President Gasoline

Happy Friday. There are 417 days until the midterm elections. A suspect is caught (but not by the FBI), a day of bomb threats and the president is a bloodthirsty lunatic.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s the only way we can talk about the insane shit we saw on Fox and Friends.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, this insanely fucked up week is about over. The last grains of American sanity are flowing through the hourglass, and soon we’ll all be drooling, babbling morons wondering what the hell happened. But before that, we must ask… WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH TRUMPS FACE?!

YOWZER! Ol’ Donnie is getting a little droopy! Now given how tense things are right now, we want to be clear that we don’t want anything bad to happen to the president. But given all the talk about the importance of presidential health, we think the American people deserve to know what’s going on. That’s why we brought in some experts. Here now is Donald Trump’s Left and Right Cheek (and this is best read in the voices of the old men from the Muppets, Statler and Waldorf)...

Left Cheek: Hey, Righty! Where you going?

Right Cheek: I’m getting out of here. This guy is crazy!

Left Cheek: Well I can’t argue that. Do you hear the shit that keeps coming out of that big hole in the middle?

Right Cheek: Which one?!

Both: Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Right Cheek: No, but seriously something is wrong here.

And scene. Now obviously we’re not doctors so take this as seriously as you’d take a guy with a brain worm who desecrated a bear corpse, but it’s pretty obvious to us that Trump is melting. It’s probably the chemtrails. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Be careful out there these days, SPs. The right has lost its fucking mind and people who quote Charlie Kirk accurately or dare to criticize his racist, misogynist ass are getting fired left and right. They sure do love free speech, don’t they? More: Yahoo News

Note three: Schumer is now open to shutting the government down. Yeah, it’s time. We’ve been on the fence, but we have to send a message and do what we can to stop the fascist takeover of our country. Shut it down. More: HuffPost

Note four: The White House is having to defend Kash Patel because he’s an incompetent loser who has zero business being FBI director. More: NBC News

Note five: Brace yourselves because this is maybe the most horrifying thing you will ever hear a president of the United States say…

Note six: Trump is sending the National Guard to Memphis. He still seems scared to go into Chicago. Maybe Trump could have soldiers save Memphians from Elon Leon’s toxic fumes. More: Associated Press

Note seven: Remember how we couldn’t save a woman’s right to choose or voting rights because Senate rules were so fucking sacred? Well Republicans just went nuclear yesterday. So we’ll say it again — shut it down. More: NBC News

Note eight: Trump heard boos again last night. Also, we really fucking hate the Yankees. More: Independent

Note nine: The disgusting way in which President Fathead J. Cankles talks about Zohran Mamdani makes us like Mamdani even more. More: Mediaite

Note 10: These motherfuckers aren’t even hiding it anymore. They want us all dead. Unfortunately for them, we cut out soda and donuts so we’re gonna live forever.

Note 11: The South Koreans who ICE tormented have made it back home. Bet they don’t think America is great again. What a goddamn embarrassment for us all. More: NBC News

Note 12: UC Berkeley has folded and given Trump the names of 160 students, faculty and staff as part of a fake investigation into antisemitism. So Berkeley is naming names. Fuck Berkeley. More: SF Chronicle

Note 13: So how is the U.S. handling Russian drones going into Polish airspace? Trump is calling it a mistake and his NATO ambassador didn’t even show up for the meeting about it. More: CBS News

Note 14: This one is for Californians. You know how Rick Caruso pretended to be a Democrat when he ran for mayor of Los Angeles? Well he was just spotted having dinner with Tucker Carlson, Tulsi Gabbard and Kevin McCarthy. Yeah, we’re surprised they invited McCarthy too. Anyway, fuck Rick Caruso. More: LA Taco

Note 15: Oh look, it’s No Soul Barbie here to make excuses for her daddy starving kids.

Note 16: It’s so goddamn weird to be agreeing with just about everything Thomas Massie is saying these days. It really goes to show just how fucking crazy the rest of his party has become. More: The Hill

Note 17: We’re so damn jealous of Brazil. Yesterday their Supreme Court convicted Bolsonaro of a coup attempt and sentenced him to 27 years in prison. As you can imagine, Trump is pissing himself at the idea. More: CNBC

Note 18: We already mentioned what a joke Kash is, but this video had us rolling. Put it to the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme and it’s comedy gold. We sure feel safe, don’t you?

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re looking at you. When things are scary and shitty, we’re reminded just how fucking lucky we are to have a community of cool and sexy and smart people like you to commiserate with. Thank you for keeping us kinda, sorta sane. Here’s Earth, Wind and Fire… More: YouTube

Note 20: And on that note of gratitude, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all have a lovely weekend and that your face doesn’t try to run away from you. Love y’all!

Thanks for nothing, Kash
The suspect who allegedly murdered Charlie Kirk has been caught. Sorta. His dad turned him in, which is good because the cops were admitting last night they had jack shit. This morning, Trump and Kash Patel and crew are doing a victory lap, but the truth is they got really lucky. So far the only thing we know about the dude is he’s 22, white, male and his bullet casings had what sounded like right-wing trolls to us. We’re sure the online right will work hard to turn this guy into a trans liberal or some shit, but he looks like most American shooters to us. More: NBC News

Other threats
We’re putting this here because the mainstream media doesn’t seem to give a shit, but there were bomb threats called into seven HBCUs yesterday. It reminded us of the bomb threats called into Black polling places last November that the press immediately stopped giving a shit about. There is a campaign of fear and terror against anyone in this country who isn’t kissing Trump’s ass. Well fuck him. Show them you’re not afraid and keep doing what you’re doing. We’re sending love to those HBCUs. More: USA Today

Chill the fuck out
Trump is just one big droopy, becankled bucket of gasoline (and shit) these days. Since Kirk was murdered, Trump has done everything he can to inspire more violence against people who disagree with him. It is fucking chilling. That clip we showed you from Fox and Friends this morning is seriously one of the craziest and most irresponsible things we’ve ever seen or heard. And yesterday he was saying he has to “beat the hell” out of people. It’s bad enough that neither Trump nor the press cared about Melissa Hortman. It’s even worse that they want more just like her. Y’all be careful out there. The crazies are on the loose and in the White House. More: Politico

Today’s clips
Paramount Skydance is working with an investment bank as it prepares an offer for Warner Bros. Discovery, according to people familiar with the matter. More: CNBC

The British government banned Palestine Action — which describes itself as a direct action movement that uses disruptive methods — as a terrorist organization in July, putting it alongside Al Qaeda and the Islamic State terrorist group, or ISIS. It made membership in or support of the group a criminal offense punishable by up to 14 years in prison under British law. More: NBC News

Rep. Anna Paulina Luna (R-Fla.) and a group of fellow MAGA lawmakers want a permanent tribute to assassinated right-wing activist Charlie Kirk in Washington. More: HuffPost

A U.S. appeals court panel on Thursday allowed President Donald Trump’s administration to block Medicaid funds to Planned Parenthood while legal challenges continue. More: NBC News

Josh Kraft, the son of the New England Patriots’ owner, announced Thursday he is dropping his bid to unseat Boston Mayor Michelle Wu, days after advancing to the November ballot. More: NBC News