President Fidiot

It’s Wednesday. There are 342 days until the midterm elections. Kids are dying in Kentucky, Brazil shows us the way and a Russian White House.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It allows us to declare NO GODDAMN TURKEY TROTS!

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s almost Turkey Day, and we are feeling thankful. Mostly we’re thankful for your hot asses and the way you fight like hell to save this country. But also we’re thankful that we’re not President Cankles J. Poopshimself serving up a big fat cope dinner today…

Yikes. That’s real. We did not make that up. We are vastly more clever than that. We also didn’t make up him being a late-night dickhead and calling a New York Times reporter ugly because she wrote about how he’s losing energy and getting around less than he did during his first term. The evidence is overwhelming — Trump is a pedophile. But also the evidence is overwhelming that Trump is losing what’s left of his shit. He’s a loser who is losing it. And now we’ve got his sad wrinkled orange ass trying to invent new words and just embarrassing himself in the process.

So we thought we’d help him out. Here are a few new words we invented to describe Trump…

*Fidiot — it’s when you combine fucking and idiot

*Smlirotfaranfail — This is when you combine the words “smells like rotten farts and failure”

*Sheashead — Shit-eating shithead

*Thesicfucwhobesfrwiepstein — This is when you combine “the sick fuck who was friends with Jeffrey Epstein”

*The guy who’s fucking up Am like an a-hole — here we just shortened the words America and asshole; we didn’t want to confuse him

Is any of this creative or funny? No. No, it’s not. But we’re not the leader of the free world, so you don’t have to worry. We wish we could say the same thing about the dumbfuck who is proud of himself for this simple shit. We can’t wait to see his finger-painting. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: That was not our best. Thank goodness we’re taking a couple of days off for the holiday. And thank goodness for our therapy sessions. If you missed yesterday’s, you can get caught up here. We’re gonna try to do another one this week because it’s the holidays and that’s when people really need therapy. Watch here.

Note three: If you live in the Nashville area, we need you to vote for Aftyn Behn and her Star Wars name. In fact, Bolts Mag has you covered for all the elections that are happening this month. More: Bolts Mag

Note four: Did Karoline Leavitt get her brother’s baby mama deported? Because that is some fucked up Jerry Springer shit. More: The Hill

Note five: We’re romantic about newspapers, so we sure love a good front page…

Note six: We wish we were kidding about Trump calling a NYT reporter ugly. Guess they probably better kiss his ass some more. More: People

Note seven: Thanks to everyone who sent well wishes to Sam. It’s a surfing injury, and we’re waiting for the MRI results. We did get some good news yesterday when the doctor declined to put him down. So yes, yet another turkey was pardoned this Thanksgiving.

Note eight: D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser isn’t running for re-election. This is the right call. More: NBC News

Note nine: Even Laura Ingraham is warning the midterms are gonna be bad for Republicans. And the sky is strawberry in her crazy world. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Jared Polis is one of those weak Democrats who thought he could play both sides of Trumpism. Even now he’s cowering over Tina Peters while Trump fans call for attacking the prison she’s in. Polis should know that weakness only invites aggression.

Note 11: We have been so proud this week to watch Democrats stand up and fight back instead of cowering. Thanks to Mark Kelly for leading the way! More: Mediaite

Note 12: They’re now trying to send the FBI after our veterans. We hope they know how to say “fuck off” to Kash’s asses. More: NBC News

Note 13: Even Lisa Murkowski is calling bullshit on this stuff, and she sucks. More: Mediaite

Note 14: Want to hear the Pope’s Thanksgiving message? It doesn’t include the phrase “radical left scum.” More: NBC News

Note 15: Ya know we were really warming up to this Pope, but we simply can’t get onboard with his no orgies policy. What a prude.

Note 16: We don’t want to gross y’all out, but we just learned about something called “Brown Friday” and found some tips to avoid it. You’re welcome? More: HuffPost

Note 17: One of the reasons Passed Out Pete Hegseth has time to fuck with real veterans is because he’s been sidelined on the Russia stuff. Probably because he’s an incompetent dumbfuck. More: Associated Press

Note 18: It’s amazing that Trump can’t even do the turkey pardons without being a total asshole. And we have to ask — does he think he’s skinny? Because that’s some seriously delusional shit. More: USA Today

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. We’re going to talk about Brazil here in a second in the news sections, but we wanted you to see this video of what it looks like when karma comes around. Watch it and feel hopeful…

Note 20: And on that delicious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are excited for the holiday. We’re gonna take the next couple of days off, but we’ll find a way to drop in and cuss all over your turkey. After all, we’re most thankful for all you Sexy Patriots. Love y’all!

Congrats, Felcher
Despite our jokey headline, this story is serious as a fucking heart attack. A third child has died of whooping cough in Kentucky. All three were unvaccinated. That’s three in one state in one year. This is why we thought it was a bad idea to put an anti-vaxx felching fuckhead in charge of our healthcare. It’s 2025, and we’ve got kids dying like they’re on the goddamn Oregon Trail. More: Kentucky Lantern

Bye, Jair
Usually we only wish we were Brazilian during Carnivale. But watching how they’ve handled Jair Bolsonaro has us wanting citizenship. After catching him trying to escape, possibly with Trump’s help, Brazilian authorities have imprisoned Bolsonaro so he can start his 27-year prison sentence. As happy as we are to see real justice being served, we can’t help but feel jealous and wish that our orange Jair was in prison too. More: CNN

Putin’s pussy
Steve Witkoff got busted telling the Russians how to push their bullshit plan on our idiot president, and the idiot president is either too idiotic or too corrupt to know or care that’s what happened. This whole thing has been like watching Harry and Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber attempt high-stake geopolitical negotiations. Even Republican senators have been mad and embarrassed. And at the end of the day, Trump still wants to surrender to Russia. So are we respected around the world again or what? More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
A federal judge in Manhattan is demanding more information from the Justice Department as he weighs its request to unseal records from the sex trafficking case against Jeffrey Epstein’s longtime confidante Ghislaine Maxwell. More: Associated Press

​​Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) launched into a full-throttle tirade at MAGA pundit Mike Cernovich demanding he “stop sh*tposting” and “run for Congress” after he simply told her to serve out her term. More: Mediaite

The Kremlin said Wednesday that the leak of a phone call between senior U.S. and Russian officials was intended to disrupt peace talks, and warned it was premature to say that a deal to end its war in Ukraine was close. More: NBC News

Cold, wintry weather and strong winds are expected in large parts of the country Wednesday as millions hit the roads and take to the skies ahead of Thanksgiving. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump absolutely lost it on social media Wednesday morning with an unhinged post responding to a story in The New York Times that suggested he was showing “signs of fatigue” and now working “shorter days.” More: HuffPost

The National Park Service said Tuesday it is going to start charging the millions of international tourists who visit U.S. parks each year an extra $100 to enter some of the most popular sites, while leaving them out of fee-free days that will be reserved for American residents. More: HuffPost