President A-hole

It’s Monday. There are 421 days until the midterm elections. Epstein’s friend attacks Tom Hanks, VP Sofa Stuffer is a proud war criminal and Speaker Little Johnson is a liar.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It comes in handy when the president of the United States is a total dickhead.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to be with you today. We thought we’d kick off this week with a little reality check since reality gets such little love these days. So let’s start with the most obvious — Donald Trump is a fucking asshole. It’s true. We’re gonna show you a clip of him berating a prominent Black woman reporter here in a minute that will make your blood boil. You already know he’s a fucking asshole though. Here’s the reality check — most of America knows it too…

BOOOOOO!!!!! YEAH, FUCK HIM!!! In case the audio wasn’t clear, that was Trump getting booed to hell and back at the U.S. Open yesterday. Now they might have been booing because he forced a delay in the tournament or they might have been booing because he’s a little dick dictator who is fucking up democracy, the economy and our national soul. Who can say? But that’s two weekends in a row that Trump has gotten a taste of just how much we all hate his ass. At least this week, millions weren’t openly hoping and praying for him to kick the bucket.

Trump and his kiss-asses in the mainstream media want us to believe that he is an all-powerful force who can’t be stopped. We’re calling bullshit. He’s a limp-weinered loser who is hated by everyone except other limp-weinered losers, and the American public are showing it over and over again. So don’t believe the hype. Boo that asshole. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you’re still not sure, just check out the polling from this weekend. CBS, which paid Trump a bribe, has his approval on the economy at 41/59 and his approval on immigration at 46/54. NBC found that 78 percent support vaccines and only 43 percent approve of the job Trump’s doing. Trump sucks and his policies blow. And even Americans can see it. More: CBS, NBC

Note three: Democrats are in a bind, and our leadership is facing its biggest test yet. Do they shut down the government or help Republicans keep it down? We’re leaning toward shutting it down because this crazy shit cannot continue with our blessing. But we will concede that this isn’t as easy as it might sound. Ezra Klein, who we never ever link to, had a piece worth reading this weekend. More: NY Times, Fox News

Note four: Wes Moore shocked the hell out of us yesterday by announcing he won’t run for president. Dude, maybe keep the door open a little bit. More: NBC

Note five: Here’s that clip of Trump being a total fucking asshole to Yamiche Alcindor. We have lots and lots of cuss words but even they fail to adequately convey how much we hate this motherfucker.

Note six: By our count, this is the second Trump administration official that Scott Bessent has threatened to punch in the face. Elon Leon was the first. And frankly, we get it. More: Politico

Note seven: One reason for Democrats to shut down the government is that Trump is asking the Supreme Court to let him ignore congressional spending laws. If he wants to cut out Congress, then we shouldn’t help him. More: NBC

Note eight: This ICE raid in Georgia appears to be a major fuck-up. Who the hell would build a factory here if it’s just going to get raided and shut down by Trump’s goons? More: NBC

Note nine: You probably won’t see this on any mainstream networks, but the American people are taking to the streets to tell Trump to eat shit and fuck off. In Chicago and D.C. this weekend, Americans were Americaning and we love it. More: AP News

Note 10: Seriously just look at all these Sexy Patriots and feel the hope!

Note 11: Missouri Republicans are moving ahead with their grotesque redistricting power grab. But we want to highlight the state’s Democrats, who are outnumbered but fighting back with everything they have. They even did a sit-in that got zero national attention. More: STLPR, KOMU

Note 12: It is endless embarrassing that Trump and his Department of Energy keep saying that dumb shit about wind and solar energy not working when the wind isn’t blowing or the sun isn’t shining. Even Ketamine boy had to weigh in. More: Mediaite

Note 13: Need some good news this Monday? Well E. Jean Carroll just won again. We never get tired of this. More: NBC

Note 14: How fucking idiotic is Florida’s plan to do away with all vaccine mandates? Even Fox News is freaked out. And they huff glue. More: Mediaite

Note 15: This weekend, Trump posted a meme that said he was going to “war” with Chicago. Sen. Tammy Duckworth, who has actually been to war, had something to say about it.

Note 16: So this seems like pretty huge fucking news. Trump’s DOJ is specifically asking a judge to protect the names of two people who got money from Epstein in 2018. Yeah, we’re gonna need to know who these creeps are and why the White House is trying to protect them. More: NBC

Note 17: Sigh. There will be no Sexy Patriot party as we did not win the Powerball. But you knew that when we showed up for work today. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Postal traffic to the U.S. has dropped by more than 80 percent because our president is an idiot. Neither rain nor sleet might not stop the post office, but an orange dumbfuck sure can. More: The Hill

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we go back to D.C. where the resistance is resisting and making us laugh along the way.

Note 20: And on that unsettling but hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a lovely weekend and that this week doesn’t suck too bad. Hey, at least you aren’t getting booed everywhere you go. And if you are, we’re sorry to hear that. Love y’all!

Yanking Hanks

Tom Hanks has spent years doing charity work for veterans and helping to preserve the legacy of the Greatest Generation. So of course Trump is cheering after West Point rescind an honor for the Saving Private Ryan actor. Trump attacked Hanks this morning in a social media post one day after it was reported that West Point would not be honoring Hanks for his contributions to the military. So if you’re keeping score at home, this president is a big fan of Ghislaine Maxwell’s but hates Tom Hanks. Are we great again or what?

More: HuffPost

The Couchfucking Killer

Jaundiced Dicknipples (JD) Vance has a taste for blood (and couches). Over the weekend Vance said on twitter that he doesn’t “give a shit” if it’s a war crime that the U.S. is now taking out fishing boats with missiles because they might be drug-trafficking. Even Rand Pau, a miniature bigot with shit-for-brains, can see how wrong this is and he called out Vance this weekend. It’s not great that we’re being led by soulless bloodthirsty animals who seem to delight in being called war criminals. Especially when we know what he does to the furniture.

More: The Hill

Lying Little Johson

A desperate Mike Little Johnson dropped a whopper of a lie on Friday, telling reporters that Trump was actually an FBI informant against Epstein. It was so egregious that Johnson’s office later walked it back. To us, the even bigger lie was Johnson saying that Trump has great compassion for the victims and will probably meet with them (why has no White House reporter asked about this?). Regardless, Trump is the first president to transfer a child-raping sex offender to a minimum security prison and we still don’t know why (oh we know why). America deserves and demands answers.

More: Guardian

Today’s clips

After losing in lower courts, President Donald Trump plans to take his case for the authority to unilaterally impose tariffs to the Supreme Court and the public square. More: NBC

Did Howard Stern really split from SiriusXM after 20 years? That was the question running wild on Monday morning — as Stern failed to return from his summer hiatus as scheduled. But the rampant speculation that his show had come to end turned out to be an elaborate prank — to the relief of Stern’s legion of fans. More: Mediaite

Argentine President Javier Milei suffered a sweeping setback on Sunday in a Buenos Aires provincial election widely viewed as a political test for his libertarian party and a barometer for how it will perform in crucial congressional midterms next month. More: The Hill

The trial of a man accused of attempting to gun down Donald Trump on his golf course is scheduled to begin Monday, nearly a year after a Secret Service agent rousted the suspect from a hiding place at the Trump International Golf Club in West Palm Beach. More: NBC