POTUS H8S U

It’s Monday. There are 407 days until the midterm elections. Fathead Homan’s beautiful bribes, TikTok is about to suck and the president of the United States hates you.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it doesn’t start talking about fucking tariffs during a funeral.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the effing hell are you today? Drowning in all the stupid? Yeah, us too. But we do have some good news this morning…

Hell yeah! New Year's Eve, baby! Who’s ready to party?! Now we know what you’re thinking… Guys, you are so incredibly sexy, but have you lost your fucking minds? Who gives a shit about New Year’s Eve this far out, especially when our fucking idiot president might kill us all by then?! Well you make some good points. Especially the first one. But our reason for sharing that with you is to remind you that slowly, but surely, we are getting through this goddamn nightmare.

When you’re going through hell, keep going. And that’s what we’re doing. We are just days away from early voting in Virginia and New Jersey and California. Next week, we will be under 400 days until the midterms (remember when that number was over 600?). We know everything is totally fucked up and stupid and awful, but time is marching on and our opportunities to hit back are coming. So please don’t despair. Keep your heads up, keep fighting and keep counting down the days until New Year’s Eve. Or until we can start taking our country back from the shit-eating scum who are wrecking it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Today Trump and the brain worm guy who sounds like he’s blowing a garbage disposal will tell us that Tylenol use by pregnant women is causing autism. We have no idea if that’s true, but we don’t believe a word that comes from either of these assholes. So plan on this being very, very stupid. More: BBC

Note three: Great news! Trump and Elon seem to have put their difference behind them and reunited at Charlie Kirk’s funeral. So Elon is fine being friends with someone he said is on the Epstein list. It’s almost like all these guys are total fucking creepshows! More: Mediaite

Note four: Trump spent part of the weekend accidentally letting the public know that he is pressuring Pam Bondi to charge Letitia James and Adam Schiff and he is very angry that the last U.S. attorney wouldn’t do so. The good news is he made it really fucking easy for both of those people to get this crooked shit thrown right out of court. More: NBC News

Note five: Is it even a funeral if you don’t have fireworks?

Note six: We’re sending love and hugs to anyone in San Francisco who was awakened by that earthquake. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Trump, who negotiated the end of the Afghanistan War, is threatening to go back in to retake Bagram Air Base (which was built by the Soviets). Afghanistan told him to fuck off. Who’s ready for more war? We’re sure Barron will be the first to sign up to go. More: Associated Press

Note eight: Adam spent the weekend knocking on doors in Virginia, and there was a big damn debate in New Jersey. Are you locked in for the November elections? More: Associated Press

Note nine: It’s hard to describe just how gross and ugly and stupid this UFC fight at the White House shit is. They want to do weigh-ins at the Lincoln Memorial. This is exactly what you’d expect from people who smear their shit on the walls of the U.S. Capitol. More: Associated Press

Note 10: Trump’s approval rating is in the shitter. But we are dying to know what the fuck is wrong with the 43 percent who think he’s doing a good job. Do they just enjoy paying more for coffee and cheeseburgers while the world turns its back on us?

Note 11: It’s embarrassing that Jasmine Crockett had to call out her Democratic colleagues for voting to honor Charlie Kirk. What the hell are we doing here More: HuffPost

Note 12: Speaking of feckless Democratic leadership, Schumer was on CNN yesterday begging Trump to meet with him to avert a shutdown. We probably shouldn’t have a Senate leader who has a clear and debilitating humiliation fetish. Especially when he’s still refusing to endorse the Democratic nominee for mayor in NYC. More: CNBC

Note 13: Hey for what it’s worth, we’re not monsters and we were moved by what we saw of Erika Kirk’s eulogy for her husband. We abhor political violence, and we wish the president had heard this message of forgiveness. More: Mediaite

Note 14: Three of the U.S.’s biggest allies are now recognizing a Palestinian state. We saw this news about the same time that we saw that Israel killed three children in a strike on Lebanon. It is truly astonishing how hard Bibi has worked to turn global public opinion against his country. More: NBC News, NBC News II

Note 15: Y’all have probably seen this already, but we freaking love this farmer.

Note 16: We saw reports this morning that Trump took out another fishing boat. Here’s a story about the hell he is bringing to poor fishermen. It will not make you feel proud to be an American. More: Associated Press

Note 17: In a shocking Friday news dump, the Pentagon told news outlets that from now on they’re only allowed to report government-approved talking points. It was such a stupid and un-American idea that even Trump shat all over it. More: Mediaite

Note 18: Disney is in deep shit, and Mickey Mouse can kiss our asses. Thank you to the stars who are calling for boycotts and getting Kimmel’s back. More: Variety

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you the funniest shit we’ve seen in a while. Who knew the Dutch got down like this?!

Note 20: And on that hilarious goddamn note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. Just remember that next weekend will be here before you know it. And the one after that. Time flies when you’re being ruled by a dim-witted gameshow host. Love y’all!

Illegal
As AOC asked over the weekend, who’s the illegal now? Tom Homan, the fat-headed ICE director who gets off on threatening Americans and arresting abuelas, was literally caught on tape accepting $50,000 in bribes in a fucking Cava bag before Trump took office. So what did Trump’s DOJ do? They made it go away. So the dumb motherfucker who spends all his time on television explaining that fascism is necessary because people broke the law is also a total piece of shit criminal. Shocking, right? Also, thanks again to Merrick Garland for keeping all this fucked up shit to himself. What a goddamn loser. More: MSNBC

TikTok troubles
It’s been obvious for a while now that Trump has been trying to steer TikTok into the hands of some right-wing owners. Now we know that the scum behind Fox News and the assholes at Oracle are likely part of an ownership group that will buy the app from a Chinese company. So if you’re keeping score at home, that means right-wing nutjobs own Fox News, Twitter, Meta, the Washington Post, CBS, ABC and two dixie cups with a string connecting them. We’re kidding about the last one. They can’t have that one. More: CNBC

We hate you too
So yesterday was Charlie Kirk’s memorial service in Arizona, and it was just as terrifying as you’d think. While Kirk’s widow was moving in her remarks, the rest of the scary people were pretty fucking scary. Our favorite part though was when Trump said that he hates his opponents and wishes them poorly. It reminded us that he wished Ghislaine Maxwell well. It also reminded us that he’s an evil fuckhead who genuinely hates Americans who don’t kiss his ass. Well, Mr. President, we hate you too. Bigly, you fucking asshole. More: HuffPost

Today’s clips
U.S. President Donald Trump’s new visa feesfor foreign workers drew widespread condemnation from technology executives, entrepreneurs and investors across social media, with just a few outliers, as many saw it as a major blow to a sector that contributed millions to his re-election campaign. More: HuffPost

Russia's President Vladimir Putin said Monday that Moscow will adhere to nuclear arms limits for one more year after the last remaining nuclear pact with the United States expires in February. More: NBC News

ABC News’s Jonathan Karl clapped back at MAGA influencers who derided his opening remarks on Sunday’s This Week regarding Charlie Kirk’s tragic death. More: Mediaite

Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro called for Americans to "universally condemn political violence" and "find our better angels" in the wake of conservative activist Charlie Kirk's assassination and a string of politically motivated violent incidents. More: NBC News

South Korea’s economy could fall into crises rivaling its 1997 meltdown if the government accepts current U.S. demands in stalled trade talks without safeguards, President Lee Jae Myung told Reuters. More: CNBC

The latest from Adam and Sam