Poor Doodie Pooliani

Today’s Big Stuff. September 26, 2024.

It’s Thursday. There are 40 days until the general election. Republicans launch a war against Zelensky, Jared Kushner is dirtier than dog shit and an expanding Senate map. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it was never dumb enough to predict a bright future for Eric Adams. 

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it doesn’t look like “Black NAZI” Mark Robinson is going to be able to turn his dumpster fire of a campaign around. Sucks for his wife’s sister. But yeah, yesterday half the staff in the lieutenant governor’s office quit. Even Virginia Gov. Glenn Youngkin said he was pulling his support. So that just leaves Trump, Justno Dignity (JD) Vance and one dude in Robinson’s office who are still with him. And we made up that one dude so we could do a fake interview with him. Here now is that interview…

TBS: Hi, so what is it about Mark Robinson that makes you want to stay with him?

Mark Robinson’s remaining staffer: I’m really into Black nazis and getting pissed on by my wife’s sister. Robinson is actually my perfect candidate.

TBS: Gross. Is that a large demographic in North Carolina?

MRRS: Oh god no. It’s just me and Mark. Everyone thinks we’re disgusting. 

TBS: They’re right. Still, it must be nice for you that Trump and Vance are still onboard.

MRRS: It really is. I’m hoping they’ll pee on me too.

TBS: Dude, you seem like you have some serious problem.

MRRS: No question about it. Why the hell do you think I’m working for Mark Robinson in the first place?!

TBS: Get help, bro.

That fun and nasty little exercise was to remind everyone that every single person endorsing Robinson has backed away except for Trump and Vance. Because they freaking love Black nazis and cheating with your wife’s sister. And of course couches. Y’all have a blessed day. More: WRAL

Note two: Congratulations to New York City Mayor Eric Adams on making history by becoming the first sitting mayor to be indicted while in office. And it ain’t like the folks who came before him were squeaky clean. Oh well, we were never big fans. Adams should resign and serve up a nice reminder that Democrats are the actual party of law and order. More: NY Daily News

Note three: Kudos to George Conway for putting out an ad that gives Trump’s sexual assault accusers a chance to be heard. And btw, the guy running for president has been repeatedly accused of sexual assault, was caught bragging about it on tape and was called a “rapist” by a judge. More: Huff Post

Note four: Another Trump judge has gone to war against women’s rights, ruling that Catholic-owned companies can’t be legally required to pay for healthcare that includes abortion and fertility care. In his bullshit ruling, the Trump judge said religion is under attack. So yeah, more Taliban garbage from small-peen scum who want to control women. More: Associated Press

Note five: Thank you to U.S. Rep. Steven Horsford and everyone else who took a stand against racist piece of shit Rep. Clay Higgins. Mike Johnson’s caucus is a goddamn disgrace. More: Axios

Note six: This is BIG. Emgage, the largest Muslim American voter mobilization groups, is backing Kamala Harris. We’re grateful to the organization for their thoughtful approach and recognition that literally everything would get worse under Trump. More: Associated Press

Note seven: We’ve always known Nancy Mace is a lying piece of shit. But it’s nice to hear it from a South Carolina sheriff too. More: AlterNet

Note eight: Whoa. We haven’t really talked about all the investigations into NYC Mayor Eric Adams and his allies because we just kinda assume everyone knows he’s a scumbag Republican pretending to be a Democrat. But now that AOC is calling for him to step down, we feel like we should probably mention it. More: NBC News

Note nine: If you’re happy that the federal government isn’t shutting down then thank a Democrat. Because MAGA Mike Johnson couldn’t get it up. His Republican vote count, that is. More: NBC News

Note 10: Jiffylube Dickface (JD) Vance’s historial unpopularity continues to be one of the funniest, most under-reported stories. That dude fucked his ticket like it was a couch. More: Twitter

Note 11: If you’re a Floridian and in the path of Hurricane Helene, please get somewhere safe. And if you’re in the path of Hurricane Ron DeShithead, please do the same. More: NBC News

Note 12: We missed Mark Hamill’s birthday yesterday, and we feel like dicks about it. We also missed Kevin Sorbo’s birthday earlier this week, but we don’t know the fuck that is. But seriously, thank you to Luke Skywalker for being the real-life hero we all need.

Note 13: We don’t know how else to put this, but there is some weird shit happening in Nebraska. No, not that. Some other weird shit. Democrats didn’t field a U.S. Senate candidate against Sen. Deb Fischer, but independent candidate Dan Osborn has turned this thing into a dead heat. Effing nuts. More: KETV

Note 14: Huge surprise that DOJ’s corrupt inspector general isn’t going to have his report on Jan. 6 done before the election. Even though it’s already done. But he will have it done before the inauguration. Sure is wild that he knows when he’ll have it done, and that it won’t be in time for the American people to be able to do anything about it. The words you’re looking for are “fucking bullshit.” More: Politico

Note 15: VP Harris absolutely crushed it yesterday. First with her economic speech laying out her vision for helping the middle class and then with her sitdown interview with Stephanie Ruhle. Do you see all those stories today about how she needs more detail or went off on weird tangents about Hannibal Lecter? No you do not. 

Note 16: We just want to say thanks to Mark Cuban for being such a great surrogate for the Harris-Walz campaign, and especially for the Vice President. Mark is a billionaire who could just enjoy his Trump tax cuts, but instead he’s showing us what it looks like to be a responsible and compassionate leader. Thanks for all you do, Mark! But fuck the Mavs. More: Mediaite

Note 17: We got new GDP numbers this morning, and Dark Brandon’s economy is still growing like crazy. It’s amazing how many Americans take this shit for granted. More: MarketWatch

Note 18: Congratulations to Diana Taurasi, the WNBA’s all-time leading scorer who likely played her last game last night. Also, seriously, you need to be watching these playoffs. It’s a nice break from all the existential dread. More: ESPN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you our old friend Doodie Pooliani. You might remember Doodie from Four Seasons Landscaping, that time it looks like he was crapping out of his face or that weird Borat scene. But today we are celebrating because Gargamel has been officially disbarred. Now he’ll have more time to get drunk and kiss Trump’s ass. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer piece of shit. More: Twitter

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great day. And if you run into a North Carolina Republican, you probably shouldn't shake their hand. Love y’all! 

Traitors
Ukrainian President Zelensky is in the US, and today is meeting with VP Harris and President Biden. He asked to meet with Speaker MAGA Mike Johnson and Trump and they both refused. In fact, Trump has now started attacking Zelensky and blaming him and the US for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. And now Johnson is calling for the Ukrainian ambassador to the US to be fired because Zelinsky went to Pennsylvania and got a tour of a munitions factory with Josh Shapiro. So yeah, Republicans are all-in with their Russian friends, and if we want Ukraine to win, then we have to win this damn election. More: BBC, Associated Press

But Hunter
So the Senate Finance Committee released details of its investigation into Jared Kushner and foreign money, and that motherfucker is dirty. Kushner has been paid $157 million in fees since he left the White House, but he hasn’t actually made a profit of any kind. It’s almost like he’s a human slush fund where hostile foreign countries can bribe Trump. So someone please explain to us why we’re just now talking about this after three goddamn years of Hunter Biden’s dick pics. More: The Guardian

Here we go
So with things looking bleak in the Montana US Senate race, the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee (DSCC) is expanding the map. As of today, the DSCC is officially going after Rick Scott in Florida and Ted Cruz in Texas or Cancun. So if you’re still looking for a Senate race to get involved with, Colin Allred and Debbie Mucarsel-Powell could sure use your help. And really, Scott and Cruz are two of the biggest turds in politics. Just imagine how much fun it would be to flush them. More: CNN

Today’s clips
In the weeks before Election Day, a loose-knit group of women are organizing online to blanket their communities with pro-Kamala Harris messages — not on yard signs or fliers, but on sticky notes. More: NBC News

Fox News host Martha MacCallum questioned Robert F. Kennedy Jr. about what she called his “inappropriate” relationship with New York Magazine’s star Washington correspondent Olivia Nuzzi on Wednesday. More: Huff Post

The U.S., France and other allies jointly called Wednesday for an immediate 21-day cease-fire to allow for negotiations in the escalating conflict between Israel and Hezbollah that has killed more than 600 people in Lebanon in recent days. More: Huff Post