Poopy poll numbers
It’s Monday. There are 554 days until the midterm elections. Trump’s war on Christmas starts early, the White House is arresting judges and some really poopy poll numbers.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it hasn’t had the most disastrous first hundred days in American history.
Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we hope you enjoyed your weekend ‘cause it was a real shitshow out here in Trumpland. While the press were kissing each other’s asses and Trump was sleeping through the pope’s funeral, the world of dumbfuck continued to get dumbfucker. And that was before this happened…
Jesus Hornblower Christ. What a fucking idiot. Look, we know this is a distraction from the cratering economy and shit, but we still have to make fun of it. We’re professionals, all. You understand. So here’s an interview with Christopher Columbus…
Us: What’s up, asslick? And please don’t say you love the newsletter.
Christopher Columbus: Hey guys! Love the newsletter!
Us: Goddamnit. So you must be thrilled Trump is trying to restore your bullshit legacy?
CC: Actually no. That guy is a sick freak and he’s going way too far. I don’t want to be associated with him in the least. He’s kidnapping kids with cancer, arresting judges and destroying small businesses. Those tariffs are a fucking disaster! I say impeach his orange ass.
Us: What? Dude, you’re a total monster who has been revealed as an idiot and a criminal who got lots and lots of innocent people killed. You’re Trump on a boat.
CC: Not cool, bros. I never stared at the sun during an eclipse.
Us: Ok fine. Point to Columbus. So did you get lost on your way to hell too?
CC: C’mon, you guys.
So there you have it. Even Columbus’s burning soul thinks Trump is a gross monster. And that guy would know. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Oh Canada! Our neighbors to the North are voting today, and we know they’re gonna tell Trump to fuck off with his 51st state bullshit. Good luck! More: BBC News
Note three: No matter what Canada does, they probably won’t start kidnapping and deporting children with cancer who were born in the United States. Because what kind of scummy heartless fucked up country would do something like that More: NBC News
Note four: Want to absolutely lose your shit with rage? The White House weasel press corps gathered to fete themselves this weekend and Axios’s Alex Thompson got an award. He used the acceptance speech to say the press has lost trust because they didn’t talk more about Biden being old. We wish we were joking, but Alex has a new book to sell. We hope he eats shit and then fucks off. More: Mediaite
Note five: Rich, soulless scum have come for 60 Minutes, and 60 Minutes is not going without a fight.
Note six: The Navy hired a Jan. 6 idiot to be their spokesperson. She immediately got the date of Pearl Harbor wrong. So it’s a date that lives in infamy unless you’re a treasonous dumbshit. More: Alternet
Note seven: You’ve still got about a week or so to watch the movie Conclave before the actual Conclave stars. The Vatican announced this morning that the process will start on May 7. More: ABC News
Note eight: While we’re talking movies, get your hot asses to the theater to see Sinners. Holy shit have Ryan Coogler and Michael B. Jordan done something amazing. And we don’t even like horror movies! More: Variety
Note nine: Trump gave an interview to the Atlantic. It’s pretty boring except he claims that he runs “the country and the world.” Sure you do, champ. Let’s get you to bed. More: HuffPost
Note 10: This is too fucking funny. Don’t worry, y’all. Trump is working on subdeals. Don’t you feel better? Who are the idiots who buy this shit?
Note 11: We’re gonna talk about Trump’s shit poll numbers in the news section. But we did want to take a second to celebrate Elon Leon Melvin’s even worse numbers. How bad are they? The weird motherfucker is polling around the same place as Jaundiced Dicksneeze (JD) Vance. And that ain’t good. ABCNews/WaPo has him at 35 percent approval. The AP has it at 33 percent. For someone desperate to be liked, Elon Leon sure is hated. More: ABC News
Note 12: The Philadelphia Eagles are visiting the White House today and star running back Saquon Barkley spent the weekend hanging out with Trump. So fuck the Eagles and motherfuck Saquon Barkley. More: 6ABC Philadelphia
Note 13: Some really awful news as Virginia Giuffre, whose brave actions are partly why we know about what a monster piece of shit Jeffrey Epstein was, died by suicide last week. We hope she’s at peace. More: People
Note 14: Measles is really having a moment. Congrats to Trump and the asshole with the brain worm. More: HuffPost
Note 15: Don’t worry, everybody! Schumer has written a letter! We can all relax now!
Note 16: The anti-Schumer right now is Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker. Dude was in New Hampshire this weekend reading Trump (and weak Democrats) for filth. And we are very much here for it. Git his ass, JB! More: Associated Press
Note 17: House Republicans are shitting bricks. The AP tried to find the 10 most vulnerable House Rs, and they basically went into hiding. More: ABC22 & FOX44
Note 18: RIP to Jiggly Caliente. No, that’s not Vance’s real name. Jiggly, or Bianca Castro, was a famous drag performer who just passed away. More: Associated Press
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the Capitol steps, where Cory Booker, Chris Coons and Hakeem Jeffries started a sit-in yesterday morning that stretched for hours. We are loving this kind of activism and we want more, more, more. More: NBC News
Note 20: And on that hopeful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope you had a lovely weekend, and we’re very excited to celebrate Indigenous People’s Day with you. Because fuck Trump. Love y’all!
UPDATE: Hey, y’all, we were just about to publish when we saw that Rep. Gerry Connolly is stepping down from the Oversight Committee and not running for reelection because his cancer has returned. We’re sending love.
Empty brain; empty shelves
Trump has declared war on Christmas. Yeah, despite years of bullshit rhetoric, it’s the orange asshead who is working hard to ensure American kids don’t get the cool stuff they wanted on Christmas morning. While the effect of Trump’s disastrous tariffs has already been felt in the markets, American consumers are just a week or two away from seeing how bad it really is. Empty Chinese tankers and canceled deliveries are setting up retail stores to have empty shelves sooner than later. Even the Toy Association is screaming. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent said this morning he’s not worried about it because he assumed the retailers did a bunch of pre-ordering. Yeah, Scott, that’s probably what happened. More: NBC News
There goes the judge
So this is pretty fucking fucked up. On Friday, Trump’s FBI arrested a Milwaukee judge and then they bragged about it on social media and television. They continued this morning with Pam Bondi and Karoline Leavitt calling the judge a criminal and Leavitt refusing to rule out arresting Supreme Court justices. We’ve gotten to a really dark and scary place really damn fast. More: Associated Press, Yahoo News
Stinky!
It’s fucking surreal watching the rest of America remember who and what Donald Trump actually is. Trump hits the 100-day mark of this second term this week, and the country seems to agree that it’s a fucking disaster. Every major news organization did polling to see how popular Trump is, and the numbers are brutal. The AP and the Washington Post have Trump’s approval rating at an anemic 39 percent. CNN has it at 41 percent. The New York Times has it at 42 percent. These are all historically shitty numbers. Trump’s second term is a failure. Even he knows it, rage tweeting this morning that the press “CHEATS, BIG, ON POLLS.” Yeah, sure that’s what’s happening. If only America had remembered how much they hate this guy last November. More: NBC News, Rolling Stone
Today’s clips
Organizers and the Kennedy Center have canceled a week’s worth of events celebrating LGBTQ+ rights for this summer’s World Pride festival in Washington, D.C., amid a shift in priorities and the ousting of leadership at one of the nation’s premier cultural institutions. More: Associated Press
Donald Trump and Volodymyr Zelenskyy have sat down for a face-to-face talk in the opulent halls of a Vatican basilica to discuss a possible ceasefire, after which the US president accused his Russian counterpart, Vladimir Putin, of not wanting to “stop the war”. More: The Guardian
Donald Trump Jr., megadonor Omeed Malik and several other investors are launching an invite-only club that costs more than half a million to join with an exclusive post-White House Correspondents’ Dinner gathering, according to an invite obtained by POLITICO and two people with knowledge of the venture, granted anonymity to discuss the private organization. More: Politico
A suspect has been arrested in connection with the theft last week of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem’s purse as she ate at a Washington, D.C., restaurant, officials said Sunday. More: HuffPost
Chinese online retailer Temu, known for its ultralow prices, is hitting U.S. customers with hefty import charges due to President Donald Trump's trade war. More: NBC News
The latest from Adam
Jimmy Kimmel Mops Floor With Hegseth Over Makeup Studio, Wife Joining Meetings
Late-night comedy writers are brilliant humans, but sometimes the jokes just write themselves. That’s what happens when the Secretary of Defense shares war plans over Signal with his wife and his attorney – and THEN it is revealed… well, I’ll just let Jimmy Kimmel deliver the punch lines:
We all need to gather whatever force/power/inclination/ideas/creativity, we have, and collectively organize the MILWAUKEE MISSION (Judge Dugan)..... take fast steps to abolish ICE. It's probably not legal for the Executive to have a private army....but who cares....ICE needs to go before many more of us go.
"Note 15: Don’t worry, everybody! Schumer has written a letter! We can all relax now!"
And don't forget the fundraising ask of $15. And all of the Dems, telling us to get out their and DO something. We did DO something...we donated, we wrote postcard, and letters and made phone calls, and went to meetings, and talked to our friends. And we elected you, and you did nothing in the 4 years to hold any of these incredibly obvious cartoon criminal accountable.
I mean seriously...A crapper full of boxes full of top secret materials, people telling you he did this, an insurrection....and you couldn't put one of these people in jail. WTF!!! And now we the people have no choice once again. YES we will do all those things once again...and then (a Fetterman) will throw us under the bus.
Whoa...sorry SP's too much coffee this AM.
Thanks Adam & Sam for all you are doing for our Democracy.