Pocket Squares and Genocide

It’s Tuesday. There are 210 days until the midterm elections. Senate Republicans lay out their map, an important Election Day in Wisconsin and the president of the United States thirsts for blood.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it has never threatened to erase a “whole civilization” like some kind of asshole.

Note: Believe it or not, Sexy Patriots, Sam used to be kinda respectable. We want to emphasize the “kinda” part. But back when Dubya and Obama were presidents and this deranged newsletter wasn’t even a twinkle in our eyes, Sam established The Hill’s White House beat, covering two presidents over four years. So we hope it carries a little extra credibility when we say the White House Correspondents Association should pull their pathetic fucking heads out of that giant orange ass and take some deep breaths of self-respect…

If you’re unable to read that post, we’ll summarize it for you — In a few weeks, the White House press are going to have their annual fancy dinner with Trump, the same motherfucker who just yesterday was promising to jail journalists. Yes, the very people who he calls stupid and “Piggie” and abuses daily and has made the laughing stock of the world are going to honor him at their big party. But don’t worry. They’re going to wear pocket squares with the First Amendment on them as a form of protest. We wish we were kidding.

Some of them are even going without pants so Trump can see their urine-soaked undies from peeing themselves every time they’re about to ask a hard question. We’ve heard several reporters plan to dress like “the Gimp” from Pulp Fiction. Peter Baker is wearing a ball-gag with his tux. The Washington Post team cut a hole in Trump’s chair so they can sit under it and have their dinner under the presidential taint.

Ok so we are kidding about those last few things, but seriously what a pathetic joke. No wonder these wimps don’t ever press Trump — he might not come to their party otherwise! Well, at least they have pocket squares to wipe their mouths when it’s over. Losers. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The deranged dumbshit threatening to wipe out an entire country tonight spent yesterday telling children about war and Joe Biden’s autopen. Can someone please get this loony motherfucker a straitjacket? And to the kid who asked “what?” we know exactly how you feel. More: HuffPost

Note three: Here is that story about Trump threatening to jail a journalist. It’s like he doesn’t even care about the pocket squares. More: NBC News

Note four: The U.S. started hitting Kharg Island while we were all asleep. We’re sure the commander-in-chief had a good night’s sleep before he launched this escalation. Or he was up late tweeting about the Supreme Court. More: The Daily Beast

Note five: It feels so weird when an unhinged dumbfuck calls you “foolish.” But here we are. And between the three of us, he’s the only one who has ever stared at a goddamn eclipse.

Note six: Congratulations to the Michigan Wolverines for winning the men’s NCAA basketball championship. They made really good teams look ordinary, and they sure deserve to cut down those nets. More: ESPN

Note seven: Our couch-canoodling vice president is in Hungary, shitting all over our allies and pushing Putin talking points. God we really are the worst these days. More: The Guardian

Note eight: Just a reminder — because you won’t get one from the White House — an American journalist was kidnapped in Iraq, and she is still believed to be alive. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Trump took questions twice yesterday. But he ignored the only question he got about gas prices. Fucking coward. More: Today

Note 10: Everyone on the internet was cracking up at this yesterday, and we were no exception…

Note 11: England doesn’t want Kanye. So now we’re jealous of England. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Stephen Miller is really trying to deport a U.S. soldier’s wife. Does that mean Stephen will go fight in his place? Because we’d be ok with that. More: NBC News

Note 13: Thank you to the Associated Press for this story about the lives of an Iranian couple who are struggling to make sense of whatever the fuck it is our country is doing. More: Associated Press

Note 14: We are so grateful for Aaron Rupar’s hard work documenting all of Trump’s insanity. Good to see him getting the credit he deserves. More: The Times

Note 15: Thank you to Mayor Mamdani for reminding us that our leaders don’t have to be sucky psycho fuckheads.

Note 16: How crazy has Trump been this morning? Too crazy for Ron Johnson. So basically too crazy for the shithouse rat. More: Mediaite

Note 17: Jessica Tarlov is living rent-free in Trump’s big empty head. Just when we thought we couldn’t love her anymore than we already did. More: Mediaite

Note 18: Good luck to our friend Shawn Harris today as he competes in the run-off for Marjorie Taylor Greene’s old seat. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we gotta talk Artemis. We were gonna show the video of them having to listen to Trump ramble, but they are total fucking badasses who have now traveled farther from Earth than any other humans and they deserve better. America sucks right now, but we are so grateful to the crew of Artemis for reminding us what we can be when we’re not being assholes.

Note 20: And on that breathtaking note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week so far and planning more resistance than some fucking fashion accessory. But we know you wouldn’t do some loser shit like that. Love y’all!

Where they’re scared
The Senate Republican super PAC laid out their spending plans for the fall yesterday, so now we know where they’re scared and where they’re backing off. The most telling part is that they are planning to spend the most — $79 million — in Ohio. So yeah, they’re worried about Ohio. The next highest is $71 million in North Carolina. Yeah, they should be worried there. They don’t have any reservations in Minnesota, but they are playing offense in Michigan ($45 million), New Hampshire ($17 million) and Georgia ($44 million). Choose your fighters and let’s do this shit. More: The Hill

On Wisconsin
It’s hard to believe it has only been a year since Wisconsin voters ended Elon Leon Musk’s time in the White House by making clear to him that he couldn’t buy their Supreme Court. Well today the state is voting for its high court again and we really want this one so we don’t have to worry about this shit for a couple of years. Wisconsin, you know what to do! And good luck to Judge Chris Taylor! More: The Guardian

Nuke Night?
The president of the United States is a deranged lunatic who is getting worse by the minute. This morning, we woke up to him threatening that “a whole civilization will die tonight.” Another word for that is genocide. Trump’s deadline for Iranian surrender is tonight, and the Iranians seems to be making it clear they want Trump to go fuck himself. The way Trump has been talking the last few days, it seems pretty clear that he’s considering nuking the country and yeah that is really fucking terrifying. But also remember that more than anything, Trump is a wuss with a big mouth so he’ll probably back off. Or at least we really really hope he does because this shit is fucking nuts. More: NBC News

Today’s clips
An Indianapolis council member said more than a dozen bullets were fired at his house Monday morning and a handwritten note reading “No Data Centers” was left on his doorstep. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — The Education Department said Monday it has terminated agreements with five school districts and a college aimed at upholding protections for transgender students, backing away from requirements negotiated by previous administrations that took a different interpretation of civil rights. More: NBC News

TAMPA, Fla. — Gov. Ron DeSantis signed a measure into law Monday that gives him along with other Florida leaders the ability to label groups as domestic or foreign terrorist organizations and expel state university students who support them. More: NBC News

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick will voluntarily meet with the House Oversight Committee on May 6 to answer questions about his connection to the late sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, according to a source familiar with the schedule. More: NBC News

Former Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) called for President Donald Trump’s removal from office in response to his maniacal threat to destroy “a whole civilization” on Tuesday. More: HuffPost

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Iowa can enforce a law that restricts teachers from talking about LGBTQ+ topics with students in kindergarten through the sixth grade and bans some books in libraries and classrooms, an appellate court said Monday. More: HuffPost