Pardoning a predator

It’s Tuesday. There are 462 days until the midterm elections. Trump’s L.A. flop, Harvard prepares to surrender and a predator president considers pardoning a predator.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t see going to the Epstein Island as a damn “privilege.”

Note: Well, we can all relax. If you’re like us, Sexy Patriots, you’ve watched a sweaty President Cankles freak the eff out in the last few weeks in a way that makes clear he is guilty as hell of some icky and evil Epstein shit. We’ve always known he’s a rapist scumbag, but we are talking about new depths of depravity here. Or that’s what we thought. Until they sent out the super normal guy to tell us everything is totally cool…

LOLOL!!! THEY SENT OUT THE COUCH-FUCKER TO CALM THINGS DOWN?! Don’t you feel better lolololol? Were Roger Stone and his swinger club not available? Why not send Ghislaine? We can’t imagine a worse ambassador for normal than sending out Juggling Doodieballs (JD) Vance. And he’s blaming Obama and Dubya? That’s fucking hilarious. If they’d sent him out with his pants around his ankles and his little weiner in a sofa cushion, it would have been more effective than this weak bullshit.

Of course the problem is there are no normal people around Trump to tell us how normal he is. Just Diddledfurniture (JD) Vance is the closest he’s got, and that dude is a creepy fucking weirdo. So yeah, keep sending out Vice President Couchfuck to calm this shit down. We could use the laughs. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Keep breathing deeply. Our Epstein-friend president is still playing golf outside the country so it smells better here at the moment. Enjoy it while you can. Is it too late to build a wall to keep that sonofabitch out? More: CBS

Note three: Even the right-wing podcast losers are still pissed off about Trump’s Epstein cover-up. And those people are dumber than dog shit. More: Media Matters

Note four: It’s America, so there was a mass shooting yesterday. We should probably do something about this. More: The Guardian

Note five: We don’t know if this is real, but shit is sure getting real. Also, the technical term here is rape.

Note six: How much of a shithead is GOP Rep. Randy Fine? Even Marjorie Taylor Greene hates him. Though to be fair, she might think he’s the guy behind those Jewish space lasers. More: Mediaite

Note seven: Well, the U.S. has officially taken possession of Qatar’s bribe plane. Pretty exciting, right? Sorry. We meant gross and shameful. More: ABC

Note eight: If they rename the Kennedy Center after Trump, we’re gonna have to drive over there and poop on the steps every damn day. So please, for everybody’s sake, keep it the Kennedy Center. More: NBC

Note nine: Trump said yesterday he never had the “privilege” of going to Epstein’s island. Yeah, it made us want to hurl too. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Try not to think about how embarrassing it is that we lose to these goddamn morons.

Note 11: These big tough masculine guys on the right sure do piss their panties at the thought of being in New York. Maybe we do have a masculinity crisis. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Kristi Noem is in Argentina riding horses for some reason. Yeah, it sucks that we’re paying for it, but at least it forces her to take a break from killing puppies and doing nazi shit. More: The Independent

Note 13: Trump wants Rupert Murdoch quickly deposed because Rupert is old. We hope these creepy assholes destroy each other. More: NPR

Note 14: Y’all be safe because it’s hotter than hell out there. Probably because we elected the damn devil our president. More: NBC

Note 15: This fucking weasel calls Trump his daddy at least once a week. His actual dad must have been a shameless ass-kissing loser too. HE LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU, DAD!!!

Note 16: Procter & Gamble are hiking prices on all kinds of stuff that we all use. So why the fuck does the New York Times have a story today that says Trump is “winning his trade war?” More: Yahoo Finance

Note 17: RIP to Ryne Sandberg. We know our friends in Chicago are taking this one hard. Sending love. More: ESPN

Note 18: Bullshit Bondi has announced she’s going after Judge Boasberg. Congratulations to John Roberts for making this idiotic attack possible. More: AP News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re broadening our musical tastes. We never really cared for the bagpipes. Until now…

Note 20: And on that cacophonous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a good start. Or at the very least we hope you didn’t screw up so bad that some weird couch-fucker had to go out and defend your honor. Love y’all!

Lying about La-La-Land

Remember how Trump said if he didn’t invade Los Angeles with U.S. troops then protesters would have burned down the city? Well you won’t be shocked to learn that was total bullshit. The U.S. Attorney Trump sent to rule over the City of Angels can’t get a grand jury to indict anyone, lots of charges are being dismissed and we’re finding out that ICE lied over and over again. So Americans spent about $150 million to occupy an American city, and it accomplished less than nothing other than scaring some poor kids in a park. This would be a major fucking scandal if another president did it. Viva Los Angeles! Fuck ICE!

More: The Guardian

Crimson cowards

After watching Columbia get destroyed by Trump and his army of dumbshits, Harvard has decided to get in on the action. According to the NYT, the school is considering a bribe as much as $500 million to “settle” things with Trump. Someone explain to us how schools that are worried about funding can find the cash to pay a half-a-billion-dollar bribe. Also, do these fucking losers not get that this won’t end with the bribe? How many more institutions does Trump have to make his personal bitch before these wimps start catching on?

More: NBC Boston

The predator president

We are going to keep making this the top news item because that’s what every news organization should be doing. THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS WEIGHING A PARDON FOR A CONVICTED CHILD SEX TRAFFICKER AND CHILD RAPIST. Maxwell’s lawyer is now openly asking the Supreme Court and Trump to give his rapist client a break, and it’s quite obvious that Trump is considering it, especially now that she has given a list of names to Trump’s defense attorney. It’s only a matter of time until Trump releases a fake list that conveniently leaves his name off. That’s why we’re going to keep screaming about the president of the United States making deals with a child rapist. Oh and remember how all those Trump supporters spent years telling us that Trump dumped Epstein once he found out he was a creep and a monster? Well Trump made clear yesterday that’s a big fat fucking lie.

More: The Hill, USA Today, ABC

Today’s clips

A gunman opened fire inside a high-rise corporate building in the heart of Manhattan on Monday evening, killing a New York City police officer, a Blackstone executive and two other people, officials said. More: NBC

The Late Show host Stephen Colbert ridiculed the merger deal between his show’s parent company Paramount and Skydance on Monday with a slew of pee-related jokes. More: Mediaite

Two major Israeli human rights groups released separate reports on Monday concluding that Israel is committing genocide in Gaza, joining a growing number of international voices that have made similar accusations against the country that has been destroying the Palestinian territory over the last 22 months. More: HuffPost

Matt Groening, creator of “The Simpsons,” mocked President Donald Trump’s followers on Saturday as he played with fan theories that the long-running animated series has a knack for predicting the future. More: HuffPost

After spending her days terrorizing her colleagues and constituents, Rep. Nancy Mace (R-S.C.) apparently likes to unwind by doing something that’s so cartoonishly evil it sounds like something “The Simpsons” would’ve written for Mr. Burns. More: HuffPost