Pardon us?

It’s Monday. There are 700 days until the midterm elections. The FBI is about to get way scarier, a warning from a monster’s mommy and Dark Brandon goes Dark Daddy.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s been saving that shit up for like a week.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Holy shit we sure missed your hot asses. How the hell are you?! How was your Thanksgiving? Does Uncle Trump Trash have third-degree burns on his crotch thanks to an “accidental” gravy boat spill? Oh that’s a shame. Well we sure are glad to be back with you, and we’re damn grateful to you for letting us take some time off to recharge. Lots of scary fucked up shit happened while we were away. But right now we need to talk about this…

Um… We don’t really know what to say here. There’s weird, there’s fuck-a-couch weird and then there’s whatever the hell that is. We kinda like that Jello Diddler (JD) Vance has gone missing, but when he pops up just to do shit like this it really freaks us the eff out. It’s like there’s a roomful of horrifying serial killers but the one you really gotta worry about is the guy who keeps disappearing. We like to think Trump traded him out for Elon Leon or he’s just off defiling a sofa, but we all know he’s probably up to something stupid and evil. Whatever it is, dude, it ain’t worth it if you’re posting shit like that on Thanksgiving. Yikes. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’d just like to take a second to congratulate all the dumbshit mainstream media reporters who bought Trump’s bullshit denials about Project 2025. More: AP News

Note three: Jamie Raskin is making a move to replace Nadler on the House Judiciary Committee. Nadler is a nice man, but this needs to happen. We need warriors in key places, and few people fight like Raskin does. More: Axios

Note four: Ex-convict Charles Kushner, who was pardoned by his son’s father-in-law, will be our next ambassador to France because the only thing Trump loves more than criminals is nepotism. More: AP News

Note five: We like y’all too much to show you the clip of RFK Jr. in the shower while Cheryl Hines sells her crap. So here’s the story without the video. You’re welcome.

Note six: We understand there are people who wish Biden hadn’t done what he did for Hunter (more in the news section), but watching Colorado Gov. Jared Polis try to cozy up to the right every chance he gets is really pissing us off. Go ahead and run for president, asshole. More: The Hill

Note seven: You’re not gonna believe this but pardoned criminal Dinesh D’Souza is totally full of shit. Ok so you will believe it. This weekend Dinesh apologized for the lies in his movie, 2,000 Mules, which was about voter fraud in the 2020 election. He should have kept lying. He might have gotten elected president. More: Independent

Note eight: Did y’all watch “A Man on the Inside” over the break? Isn’t it wonderful?

Note nine: Elon Leon Musk has like 50 kids of his own, but he spent Thanksgiving with Baron Trump. How fucking weird is that? More: CNN

Note 10: Politico and other kiss-asses just don’t understand why normal decent people are leaving Elon Leon’s nazi playground Twitter for Bluesky.

Note 11: Trump is going to privatize mortgage houses Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. So goodbye, home ownership. Ugh. More: CNN

Note 12: While we were away, Trump promised massive tariffs on Mexico if they don’t shut down the border. The Mexican president responded that all the guns in Mexico come from the U.S. and shutting down the border is dumb. Trump then declared victory. Get used to this dumb idiotic shit. More: KHOU

Note 13: Trump also threatened Canada with tariffs so Justin Trudeau flew to Mar-a-Lago. We feel so bad to have done this to other world leaders. Sorry, JT! More: Politico

Note 14: The more we watch American politics, the more it becomes clear that one party is held to really high standards while the other party is held to none. And the people enforcing this bullshit double-standard think they are the fair ones. It’s time we stop playing by their rules.

Note 15: Please join us in taking a moment to laugh at the suckiness of Trumpy quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Guess someone didn’t take enough livestock medicine. LOL.

Note 16: Bernie Sanders tweeted yesterday that “Elon Musk is right.” We understand the point he was trying to make, but jeez there’s gotta be a better way to do it. More: The Hill

Note 17: How corrupt is America right now? Enron just announced a comeback. We’re not even kidding. More: Crypto Briefing

Note 18: This is so sad and infuriating that we don’t want to share it, but we feel like we have to. NBC is reporting that gay couples are rushing to get married before Trump gets back in power. What a mean fucked up country we can be. More: NBC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to CNN. Yeah, we were surprised too. But they have a great story about a group of boys who are learning about healthy masculinity and every dude in America could use this shit.

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great turkey week, but we missed you like crazy. Now let’s get back to cussing out traitors and scumbags like we do. Love y’all!

Yiiiiiiikes

So the FBI is about to become Trump’s personal KGB. This weekend, Trump announced that deranged henchman Kash Patel is his nominee to be the next FBI director. Of course FBI directors are nominated for 10-year terms so the first scandal is that Trump is firing Chris Wray, who he nominated during his first term. But Kash is scary as shit. He’s a QAnon nutjob who has fantasized for years about using DOJ to go after the media and Trump critics. We’d say there’s no way this deranged fucker can get confirmed, but we’re guessing Trump won’t even try to get him confirmed.

More: AP News

Even his mom

A blockbuster report dropped while we were out in which Pete Hegseth’s own mom wrote him a letter calling him an abuser of women and telling him she doesn’t respect him. Yeah, Hegseth, who is Trump’s nominee to be Secretary of Defense, is a total misogynist psycho. He’s also apparently a serious drinker who has had to be carried out of events. A new deep dive in the New Yorker lays out all the ways this degenerate freakshow is unqualified to lead the Pentagon. We have to wonder how many Republican senators will agree.

More: New Yorker, Mediaite

Pardon us?

We’re kidding. Mostly. After years of saying he would not pardon his son Hunter, Joe Biden did just that this weekend, setting off a wave of pearl-clutching and hypocrisy from way too many people. Personally, we think Biden should be pardoning everyone since a vengeful lunatic is about to take office. But we totally understand the good-faith people who are pissed off about this. That said, we’d much rather be focused on the psycho terrorists Trump is trying to stock our government with. Trump immediately responded by bringing up the Jan. 6 terrorists, who he has long promised to pardon. So yeah, any Republican you see pretending to be upset about this is completely full of shit.

More: NBC News

Today’s clips

California Sen. Alex Padilla (D) said Sunday the state had “no obligation” to help President-elect Donald Trump enact his mass deportation plans, saying local officials will instead work to support migrants and undocumented immigrants. More: HuffPost

The 13-year civil war in Syria has roared back into prominence with a surprise rebel offensive on Aleppo, one of Syria’s largest cities and an ancient business hub. The push is among the rebels’ strongest in years in a war whose destabilizing effects have rippled far beyond the country’s borders. More: NBC