Panic, Panicans!

It’s Tuesday. There are 266 days until the midterm elections. Good news out of Michigan, Trump taxes Americans and the Epstein cover-up continues.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it’s not trying to arrest you for liking Bad Bunny.

Note: We don’t know about you, Sexy Patriots, but our goddamn sides hurt from laughing so much. MAGA’s continued meltdown over Bad Bunny was about the most hilarious shit we’ve seen in a while. Getting to dance our asses off while also making fun of Kid Rock is really our jam. But making fun of Kid Rock feels kinda easy. It’s like making fun of a meth rock that’s sitting on the floor of a Waffle House bathroom covered in trucker pubes and shame. We know you’re in pain, Bob. It must suck to suck.

So instead of kicking human garbage while it’s down, we figured we’d make fun of Space Kid Rock. And by that we mean Elon Leon Musk — the world’s richest man and biggest loser…

LOLOLOL!!! Can’t believe that didn’t pan out! We thought for sure this total fucking fraud who keeps mailing his sperm to women he meets on twitter would totally get us all to Mars. We already had our bags packed lolol. When you add his imploding exploding car company and the revelations about him and Jeffrey Epstein, well, things ain’t going so great for the miserable weirdo fuckhead who took a chainsaw to our government last year. And if you think we’re happy about it, just wait until you hear from our friend Reggie the Martian.

Us: Hey Reggie!

Reggie the Martian: Hey guys! Love the newsletter!

Us: Aww thanks, Reggie. We didn’t realize we had that kind of reach. So did you hear about Elon?

Reggie: Man, we all heard. It’s been a nonstop party ever since. I can’t tell you how depressed the whole fucking planet has been thinking that weird sonofabitch was coming here. All of our females were so excited to not date him. The relief is palpable. There’s dancing in the streets.

Us: Ugh. You’re so lucky. We think this means we’re stuck with him.

Reggie: Well, he can always go to Uranus.

Us: Fuck that. Let him go to YOUR anus!

That’s one of those jokes that would have worked way better on radio. Oh well. When it comes to Elon Leon, we don’t need to write jokes. That nazi fucking doofus is high comedy on his own. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Elecktek Co

Note two: A dinosaur convention has banned all paleontologists who hung out with Epstein. So dinosaur conventions have stronger ethics and morals than the U.S. government. Feels good, don’t it? More: The Wrap

Note three: Trump sent out a statement yesterday saying “Don’t Panic.” He doesn’t want his own party to be “panicans.” Gosh. What would they panic about? Their poll numbers? Their gross pedophile president buddy? Or the jobs numbers? More: Yahoo

Note four: We’re beginning to think nobody hates Congress more than us except Congress. They’ve earned their self-loathing though. More: NBC News

Note five: So much for not making fun of Kid Rock. Wish we could be there when someone has to tell Jay-Z who that is.

Note six: If you ignore the wussy press releases and shitty social media game, Democrats actually look to be playing hardball over ICE. Good. They fucking better. More: Associated Press

Note seven: Trump is threatening Canada again. It’s too bad they can’t whoop our ass because we kinda have it coming. More: Detroit News

Note eight: Trump’s DOJ is moving to dismiss Steve Bannon’s contempt conviction. We’re sure it has nothing to do with Bannon being all over the Epstein files. More: NBC News

Note nine: It can be easy to forget that Marco Rubio tried to deport a young woman because she wrote an op-ed he didn’t like. Fortunately, a judge remembered what country this is. More: NBC News

Note 10: We fucking love Minnesota.

Note 11: Wanna see something absolutely wild? Trump’s favorite right-wing pollster has respondents saying Biden did a better job as president than Trump. Ouch. More: Rasmussen Reports

Note 12: Susan Collins is running for reelection. She should be concerned because we have to assume Mainers are sick of her bullshit. More: The Hill

Note 13: The scum at the IOC will wink and let Russians compete but they draw the line at a Ukrainian who wants to honor his dead friends. Fucking assholes. More: Associated Press

Note 14: U.S. Rep. Randy Fine, Jabba’s less attractive cousin, wants to round up and deport everyone who liked the Bad Bunny halftime show. Ok, big boy. Start with us. More: Palm Beach Post

Note 15: This is probably the coolest story you’ll see today. Fuck ‘em up, bagpipes guy.

Note 16: We don’t know whether to laugh or cry at this one. The brainworm felcher guy says that working for Trump is a “joy” because “he lets me do stuff I don’t think anybody else would ever let me do.” You got that right, freakshow. More: HuffPost

Note 17: We are so fucking proud of the Olympians who are standing up to Trump. It takes real guts, and we are grateful to them for reminding the world what America is all about. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Talent agent and LA28 chairman Casey Wasserman is all over the Epstein files. So Chappell Roan is going to find a new agent. This is how you do it, young people! More: The Wrap

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, here’s a picture of a baby giraffe. Because it made us go awwwwww and we could all use some of that.

Note 20: And on that adorable goddamn note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a great start. Unless you’re Elon or Kid Rock, in which case you can fuck off and eat shit. Love y’all!

Hell yeah!
Remember TJ Sabula? Of course you do. He’s the Ford autoworker and American hero who called Trump a “pedo protector” to his fat ugly face. If you’re like us, you’ve been wondering what happened to ol’ TJ ever since he was suspended for speaking badass truth to power. Well apparently he’s back at work and hasn’t faced any discipline. Unions, baby. Unfortunately, the White House press lack TJ’s courage so they have never asked Trump about the exchange. More: The Independent

The Trump Tax
It’s hard to believe it’s almost been a year since Trump declared Liberation Day and then almost immediately had to retreat. Still, he has gone ahead with his dumbfuck tariffs while the Supreme Court pulls its pud and tries to decide if any of this is legal. But now we know just how much these stupid goddamn tariffs are costing us. The nonpartisan Tax Foundation has found that Trump’s tariffs equal a $1000-a-year tax hike for every American household. This year, it will go up to $1,300 per household. So thanks a lot, you orange asshole. More: ABC News

Lock them all up
It’s amazing that Howard Lutnick still has a job. Lutnick lied over and over again about his relationship with Epstein and there are some really unsettling questions coming from his correspondence with the notorious child rapist. But that’s true of lots of Republicans. Members of Congress were allowed to see the full(ish) files yesterday and Ro and Massie are calling some shit out. For one, there are still redactions that shouldn’t be there. But also, they’ve identified at least six men who are being protected but shouldn’t be. Massie even found that a Sultan was involved in the “torture” stuff. This is the biggest scandal any of us have ever seen, and we keep waiting for the mainstream media to act like it. More: HuffPost, BBC, USA Today, HuffPost

Today’s clips
The general counsel for Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard on Monday warned the attorney for an anonymous government employee not to directly share a top-secret complaint about Gabbard’s handling of classified material with members of Congress. More: Associated Press

The Trump administration is expected this week to revoke a scientific finding that long has been the central basis for U.S. action to regulate greenhouse gas emissions and fight climate change, according to a White House official. More: Associated Press

The British monarchy is further distancing itself from the disgraced former Prince Andrew, as Prince William and his wife on Monday publicly expressed concern over mounting allegations against the ex-royal and Buckingham Palace said it would support a potential police investigation. More: HuffPost

The Justice Department again defended Attorney General Pam Bondi’s appointment of former Trump personal lawyer Lindsey Halligan as an interim U.S. attorney in an appeal of a judge’s dismissal of the indictments against New York Attorney General Letitia James and former FBI Director James Comey. More: NBC News