Pam the P*do-Protector

It’s Thursday. There are 229 days until the midterm elections. Bondi tries some BS, saying no to $200 billion for a stupid war and Trump really did it this time.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But only because an asshole broke the planet.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we like to have some fun here at the AltMedia. Even when the president of the United States is starting idiotic wars and the Secretary of Defense is a drunken shithead who can’t stop talking about his goddamn holy war. But it’s important that we remember that we’re all Americans, and we’re all on the same side. That’s why we’re choosing to not laugh at this until our sides hurt…

It wasn’t us! We swear to Pete Hegseth’s bloodthirsty god that we had nothing to do with this. We don’t even own drones. And we are taking this very seriously and don’t think it’s hilarious at all. Poor bastards. Just imagine Liddle Marco running down to his bunker in his Scrooge McDuck nightshirt, sobbing and peeing himself uncontrollably. Or think of poor Pete Hegseth drunk as hell, standing in his yard in his Superman underwear and screaming at the night sky as he tries to fight a drone before passing out in his own vomit and shame.

These are serious times, and America is at war. So whatever you do, please don’t laugh at these fucking idiots starting to face the consequences of their stupid dumbfuck actions. We know Hegseth and Rubio suck, but they and their scumbag families don’t deserve to panic poop themselves in the middle of the night. Or maybe they do. Fuck them. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We hate to do it, but we’re going to take a day off tomorrow. Frankly, we’re a tad exhausted so we just need an extra day of weekend to help recharge the old batteries. We are gonna try and squeeze in another Therapy Session before then though, and if you missed yesterday’s, you can catch up here.

Note three: The knives are really out for Corey Lewandowski. What can we sentence him to that’s worse than dating Kristi Noem? More: NBC News

Note four: The Fed kept interest rates where they are yesterday as Jerome Powell told Trump to eat shit and stop fucking up the economy. More: Associated Press

Note five: So like everyone else, we were totally fucking shocked and horrified by the Cesar Chavez news yesterday. We’re basically learning to never have (male) heroes. We were trying to think of something smart to say about this and then we saw Colorado journalist Kyle Clark say it smarter than we could…

Note six: MS Now is shaking up its lineup. Nobody cares so why the hell did we put this at Note Six? Our bad. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Tulski Gabbard is testifying in front of the House today and it’s going about as well as her testimony in front of the Senate yesterday. Even her lying ass is struggling to sell Trump’s bullshit. More: NBC News

Note eight: Joe Kent is nazi trash. So while this is obviously retribution for him telling the truth about Iran, we really don’t give two shits what happens to him. More: Associated Press

Note nine: To be clear, we hate the Manosphere and the weird incel assheads who fill it. But we also really hate Piers Morgan and this is really fucking funny. More: Mediaite

Note 10: Thank you to the people who did this. Trump knew he could get the White House press to forget about it if he told them it was under investigation. The rest of us aren’t that easy.

Note 11: How fucked is the United States Senate? Well we’d like to trade Fetterman for Rand Paul so pretty fucked. The whole Markwayne thing yesterday was a mess. More: NBC News

Note 12: There are few lies in American politics more egregious than the lie that Republicans care about spending. More: Associated Press

Note 13: We normally hate to see VP Couchboy, but we sure are glad they’re sending him out on the road to tell Americans the economy sucks now.

Note 14: We have so much serious shit to deal with and all we can think about is March Madness. It’s like the one sporting event that Trump hasn’t fucked up. Who do y’all have going to the Final Four?

Note 15: Pete Hegseth has one of his Christian extremist meltdowns this morning. He’s furious we’re not all kissing Trump’s ass the way he does. More: HuffPost

Note 16: Chris Van Hollen is taking on the Trumpy ADL, and we are so here for it. We talk a lot of shit about Senate Dems, but CVH has truly met this moment over and over again. More: Mediaite

Note 17: So has Jon Ossoff. Thank you, Senator, for talking about this when the media won’t.

Note 18: Welp, Delta Airlines can eat shit, fuck off and burn in hell. Scumbags. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Denver where a hero walks amongst us. Someone has reprogrammed the WALK/DON’T WALK audio to tell people when to walk and then adds “Fuck Trump.” This is some top-notch resisting, and we fucking love it. So THANK YOU whoever you are!!! More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that brilliant note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there this week. Unless you’re the person scaring the Trump administration with drones. You have to stop before we laugh ourselves to death. Love y’all!

Nice Try, Pam
Pam Bondi showed up to brief House members on the Epstein shit yesterday, and House Democrats walked out. Pam tried to tell them that DOJ was done releasing files and done with the investigation. So Democrats walked out. It’s rather obvious at this point that DOJ, with the help of Oversight Chairman James Comer, is covering up a child rape ring. We hope this is a millstone that hangs around their evil necks for the rest of their lives. Pam needs to be under oath and she needs to be under oath now. More: NBC News

Fuck no
When he wasn’t talking about Jesus or murdering people this morning, Pete Hegseth was confirming that the Pentagon wants another $200 billion for this stupid war. We dare a Democrat to vote for this shit and end their careers. We don’t have money for healthcare, and forgiving student loans was an affront to god. But we sure find money for fucking bombs, don’t we? More: Associated Press

Respected again
Man, we don’t even have a particular news hook for this section other than Trump really fucked up big time this time. Normally he can get out of his messes with some help from a compliant press corps and another fresh scandal to distract us. But that won’t work this time. There are too many repercussions. Energy costs are skyrocketing, alliances are shattering and it’s still possible that fucking asshole is going to send American troops to guard oil facilities in Iran. There are some issues that are tough for Democrats. This isn’t one of them. Be the anti-war party. Because this shit is insane. More: NBC News

Today’s clips
CHICAGO (AP) — Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker on Wednesday condemned special interest money that poured into the state ahead of this week’s primary, including from a pro-Israel political group that the billionaire and potential 2028 presidential contender once supported. More: Associated Press

Many of the upcoming celebrations and holidays honoring the late farmworker labor leader César Chavez are being renamed, postponed or completely canceled in the wake of allegations that he sexually abused women and girls while at the helm of the United Farm Workers Union. More: Associated Press

A day after a testy confirmation hearing, a Senate committee on Thursday advanced the nomination of Sen. Markwayne Mullin, R-Okla., to lead the Department of Homeland Security. More: CNBC

Senate Republicans say the debate within their conference over how hard to push for passage of the Safeguard American Voter Eligibility (SAVE America) Act, a sweeping voting reform bill, is becoming a “circular firing squad” as President Trump’s allies ramp up pressure on their GOP colleagues to use extraordinary tactics to pass the bill. More: The Hill

Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren has endorsed Graham Platner in the Democratic primary for Maine’s U.S. Senate seat, the latest high-profile endorsement the oyster farmer and U.S. Marine veteran has picked up in his bid to defeat opponent Janet Mills. More: NBC Boston

Rep. Jasmine Crockett (D-Texas) viciously turned the tables on President Donald Trump and his administration during a tense hearing about military action against Venezuela on Wednesday. More: HuffPost