‘Our groceries are way down’

Happy Friday. There are 361 days until the midterm elections. Trump REALLY wants to starve people, Elon Leon makes us sick and the president doesn’t want to hear about affordability.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t end the jobs reports.

Note: Hold onto your sexy hats, Sexy Patriots! We’ve got something good, and we’ve been saving it for Friday. (It’s just one of our fake interviews so don’t get too excited.) We don’t know about y’all, but we’ve really been blown away by the way the new Pope is taking on Trump and his crap-filled evilness. We’re not Catholic and we don’t shit in the woods, but we know a good dude when we see one and to paraphrase Edie McClurg, we think the Pope is a righteous dude.

We also think it’s pretty fucked up that it was a huge goddamn news story everytime some assheaded cardinal wanted to refuse to give communion to Catholic Democrats because they were on some abortion bullshit, but the first American Pope is constantly rebuking the president of the United States and it’s barely a story.

Well, we’ve had enough. So here’s a (not real) interview with Pope Leo the Kick-Ass…

Us: Thanks so much for doing this, Your Holiness.

Pope Leo: Hey guys! Love the newsletter! Your interviews with God kill me.

Us: Awww thanks, buddy. So you’ve really been taking it to Trump for terrorizing the poor and migrants. Do you hate him as much as we do?

Leo: I don’t hate anyone. I am the Pope. I preach love and forgiveness.

Us: Sure but if you did?

Leo: Oh I’d hate the ever-living shit out of these sick, twisted motherfuckers. Especially that little Vance asshole. What a fucking weirdo!

Us: We hear that!

Leo: I mean it’s God’s command to not bear false witness, but I totally believe that couch shit. Just look at him! I’ve known some super creepy dudes, and JD has that creep stank all over him.

Us: Preach!

Leo: And President Ass-for-Brains. Christ! Where do I even begin? Even Satan didn’t suck this much! I mean Satan fucking sucks, but he didn’t demolish the fucking East Wing!

Us: Wow. Well hey thanks for joining us. This was really fun.

Leo: Thanks, boys. Keep giving those fuckers hell and God be with you.

See? We told you we had a treat! How great was that? You can really tell he’s from Chicago. Y’all have a blessed day. More: BBC, Yahoo

Note two: We hate to do this, but Veterans’ Day is next week and we thought we might take a day off. Coming off such a great and celebratory week, a three-day weekend seems in order. We hope you’ll forgive us, and we’ll try to add some extra cuss words today to hold y’all over.

Note three: Some dude collapsed in the Oval Office during a health event yesterday, and you can see the president was clearly rattled or completely unaware it was happening two feet away from him. It’s also possible he just didn’t give a rat’s ass.

Note four: The president of the United States says he’s glad former Speaker Pelosi’s “stench” is going away. He’s all class, ain’t he? We fucking love that he mentioned that she impeached him twice. Loser. NO LINK

Note five: There should be a jobs report today telling us just how badly Trump has fucked up the economy, but he fucked that up too. More: CNBC

Note six: Trump is hanging out with a fascist piece of shit at the White House today, and it’s not his wife. More: HuffPost

Note seven: We were gonna put this in the news section, but we couldn’t wait. A D.C. jury acquitted sandwich guy yesterday. It’s almost like this idiotic video from Jeanine Pirro was idiotic. LOLOL! Thank you, D.C.!

Note eight: Trump pardoned some more corrupt Republican officials yesterday. If we tell the press Biden didn’t it, maybe they’ll act like it’s a scandal. More: NBC

Note nine: Elise Stefanik’s gross, racist ass is running for governor in New York. We are so excited to watch her lose like the loser that she is. More: The Guardian

Note 10: If you’re flying today, well, good luck with that shit. More: NBC

Note 11: A lot of Americans are hurting right now. If you can donate or volunteer at a food bank, please do.

Note 12: Trump’s health creeps sure are creepy. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Gosh. We can’t believe Trump keeps lying about $2 gas. It’s almost like he’s a goddamn liar and every word out of his mouth is a goddamn lie.

Note 14: Of all the people who should go the fuck away, Kim Davis should go the fuck away the mostest. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Republican senators could have stopped Trump’s coming war in Venezuela. They didn’t. So that makes them complicit little bitches. More: HuffPost

Note 16: The miserable scum at SCOTUS let Trump be a dick to trans people. We really hate SCOTUS. More: AP News

Note 17: YESSSSSS!!!! Props to Rep. Yassamin Ansari. This is how you do it!

Note 18: Pete Hegseth thinks his Signal leaks are funny. In his defense, he might have been drinking when he made this joke and he’s a fucking moron. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, it ain’t that happy. But we saw this video of an American hero calling out Trump’s thugs and we wanted to share it in hopes that more people will do this.

Note 20: And on that passionate note of resistance, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing weekend after an amazing week. We’ve got these fuckers on the run, so be like the Pope and keep giving them hell. Love y’all!

Let them eat nothing

Last night at a fancy dinner at the White House, Trump made excuses for taking people’s food stamps. While he was doing that, his DOJ was appealing a judge’s decision ordering him to fully fund the SNAP program. We’ve seen some out of touch shit from politicians before, but we’ve never seen any president go out of his way to starve millions of Americans while sending $40 billion to Argentina and $350 million to build himself a fucking ballroom. Dude is going out of his way to hurt poor Americans. What a man of the people. More: NBC

Fuck Elon Leon

Elon Leon, who has said nothing about his child-raping father, is apparently in a position to get a $1 trillion pay package from Tesla. We found out about this the same day that we found out Elon Leon’s destruction of USAID has already resulted in more than half-a-million deaths, two-thirds of whom are children. What’s even more shocking is that this is not a huge international scandal resulting in Elon being transported to the Hague for trial. If you buy a Tesla, you are supporting pure fucking evil.

More: CNBC, New Yorker

Keep talking

At last night’s fancy dinner, Trump got very angry when asked about high prices. After Zohran Mamdani’s success, Trump has been forced to lie all week that he cares about affordability, repeatedly telling Americans that the high prices they’re paying aren’t real. Last night, Trump snapped when pressed on the issue, lying again that prices are down and adding, “so I don’t want to hear about the affordability because right now we’re much less.” Try to imagine how the beltway press would have covered Obama or Biden telling the American people to shut the fuck up about high prices.

Today’s clips

Former President Barack Obama made a surprise appearance Thursday at a progressive event in Washington, telling the crowd that American voters are rejecting the Trump agenda and offering hope that divisions within the Democratic party can be bridged. More: AP News

Kayleigh McEnany on Thursday said Donald Trump was “genuinely concerned” about Rep. Nancy Pelosi’s husband when he joked about the 2022 hammer attack that fractured Paul Pelosi’s skull. More: HuffPost

Sinclair Broadcast Group’s revenues slid sharply in the third quarter, in the same period the conservative local TV giant pulled ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel Live! from more than 180 stations, a move top executives deny is linked to the drop. More: Mediaite

Steve Bannon told a hall full of conservatives that if Democrats win the 2026 midterm elections and the presidency in 2028, some of them will go to prison, including him. More: Mediaite

Prince Harry has apologized to Canada after wearing a Los Angeles Dodgers cap at a World Series game against the Toronto Blue Jays. More: NBC