Orangey effs Arkansas

It’s Thursday. There are 558 days until the midterm elections. Putin exposes Trump’s limp peen, China does too and some crazy crypto corruption.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it doesn’t kiss Putin’s evil ass.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We have some good news — you’re not crazy. Unfortunately, everyone else is. Yeah, as Trump hits the hundred-day mark, the rest of America seems to be remembering what your hot asses already knew — Trump is a fucking idiot who shouldn’t even be allowed to take the goddamn White House tour. Even Fox’s polling has him dropping like a dumb rock…

Ooooh that’s gotta hurt. Pew has his approval rating at 40 percent, and even that is still too dang high. It’s nice seeing reality catch up with ol’ tangerine taint, but we have a few questions for the people who are just now seeing how much Trump sucks. For example, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU JUST NOW SEEING THIS?! DO YOU NOT REMEMBER NOT BEING ABLE TO GET FUCKING TOILET PAPER?! DID YOU THINK THE DUMB MOTHERFUCKER WHO KEPT SAYING HE WANTED TO BE A DICTATOR WOULD BE GOOD AT THIS SHIT?! DID YOU THINK THE SCUMBAG WHO ATTACKED THE CAPITOL WOULD BE COOL?!

We know it’s controversial to say, but it was probably really fucking stupid to elect the guy who really hates Americans. We’re so glad that people are waking up and we will gladly welcome them to the side of decency and common sense, but we’re gonna need to know what the fuck they were thinking. The good news for the rest of us is that this shit-for-brains dunce is weak and getting weaker. Fuck him. Fascism ain’t inevitable. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Pew Research

Note two: In the spirit of being cool, we’re not gonna talk shit about Dick Durbin today. (Sam really wanted to, but Adam won out). Instead we’ll just say thanks for serving, Dick. Now let’s get a real fighter in that seat. More: WBEZ

Note three: If it makes you feel better — and it probably won’t — Trump is fucking over his own people too. Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who is still the worst, is begging Trump for disaster relief and he’s lost her number. While we enjoy watching Huck get screwed over, we hate it for the people of Arkansas. Maybe they shouldn’t have voted for a cruel moron. More: Yahoo

Note four: Ummm, the U.S. government texted employees at Barnard and asked if they’re Jewish. We’re not historians, but that seems really, really fucking bad. More: The Intercept

Note five: We’re one more week of stupid tariff shit away from seeing Rupert Murdoch at a Bernie-AOC rally…

Note six: Pete Hegseth ordered a make-up studio installed at the Pentagon. We weren't gonna say anything, but he really needs it. These tough Trump guys sure do love looking pretty. More: The Independent

Note seven: We have to cop to a mistake. It was a guy named Kaspar and not Hegseth who was describing his shits at Pentagon meetings. Also, we mixed up our Cuomos last week. In our defense, they’re all worthless assholes.

Note eight: Trump signed a bunch of executive orders yesterday to do things like repeal the Civil Rights Act and make it easier for schools to beat kids. It’s important to remember that these aren’t laws, and he’s mostly doing it to feel potent (instead of impotent). But it’s still really fucked up. More: NPR

Note nine: Here’s some news you can use if you’re traveling internationally. Wired helps you figure out what to do about your phone before Trump’s goons search it. More: WIRED

Note 10: Trump is harder on Harvard than he is on Putin. Great work, America.

Note 11: Trump didn’t bring the price of eggs or gas down, but at least he’s lying about it. Wasn’t this what the whole fucking election was about?! More: CNN

Note 12: A judge has ordered another wrongly kidnapped man to be returned from Trump’s El Salvador camp. If only there was some kind of process that could be done to make sure we don’t kidnap innocent people. We could even call it due. More: CNN

Note 13: Trump has obviously been trying to restrain himself and not talk shit about Canada ahead of their elections, but he just can’t help himself. It’s so goddamn funny to see him tanking conservatives in other countries. More: Politico

Note 14: Thank you to the person who reminded Andrew Cuomo last night that he “resigned in disgrace.” Seriously, New York. Don’t do it. (Social media)

Note 15: You can tell America is great again when you see magazine covers like this one…

Note 16: Apparently Elon Leon Melvin and Scott Bessent almost got in a fist-fight in the West Wing yesterday, screaming f-bombs at each other. We wish we had been there to assure them that they both suck. More: HuffPost

Note 17: We always have mixed feelings when we see a Democrat going into right-wing media spaces, but credit to Pete Buttigieg for speaking truth in places where that doesn’t often happen. More: Advocate

Note 18: We want to say thank you and best of luck to Rep. Jan Schakowsky, who announced yesterday she won’t be running again. We don’t even have anything snarky to add. More: Politico

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Illinois, where Gov. JB Pritzker isn’t fucking around. Pritzker continues to be a true fighter against Trump’s bullshit, calling on his state to boycott El Salvador and make sure Illinois isn’t investing or spending a dime there. Thank you, JB! More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that smart note, let’s go do some news! We know you Sexy Patriots fought like hell to keep all this stupid from happening. But we gotta figure out what the fuck is wrong with everybody else. Love y’all!

Vladimir, STOP PRETTY PLEASE
Yesterday, Trump sat in the Oval Office and trashed Ukrainian President Zelensky for not accepting a really shitty non-peace deal that is basically just Ukraine giving away its country to Russia. How did Putin respond? By bombing the shit out of Kyiv. It was so bad that Trump took to Truth Social to beg his Russian daddy to STOP. We’re not sure that America has ever looked weaker. Maybe Trump can publicly offer to give Vlad a foot rub. This shit is as infuriating as it is embarrassing. More: CNBC

China, STOP PRETTY PLEASE
Trump has spent the week surrendering to China while trying like hell to make it look like he’s not surrendering to China. Yesterday in the Oval Office, he offered up some gibberish about tariffs, and his team claims they have started negotiations with the country. But China is calling bullshit. Yeah, White House reporters spent the morning getting NO COMMENT from the White House after Chinese officials said there have been zero trade talks. Trump wants China to come begging, but they have seen how weak he is and they’re seizing the opportunity. Again, the U.S. is very weak and this is very embarrassing. More: NBC News

WHAT?!
So it ain’t exactly breaking news that Trump is a corrupt piece of shit who has been selling the presidency since Day One. But this is shocking even for him. Trump’s scam memecoin surged yesterday after he announced a plan to invite the top 25 holders, or investors, to a private VIP dinner followed by a tour of the White House. Y’all, they made Jimmy Carter give up his fucking peanut farm. This is the most corrupt shit the most corrupt president ever has ever done. And goddamn that’s really saying something. More: CNBC

Today’s clips
Twelve states filed a lawsuit Wednesday challenging the legality of President Donald Trump's broad tariff agenda, arguing it unlawfully undermines Congress' constitutional authority to regulate foreign commerce. More: NBC News

Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy said after the attack he is cutting short his official trip to South Africa and returning home as the city reeled from the bombardment that kept residents on edge for about 11 hours. It appeared to be Russia’s biggest attack on Kyiv in nine months, and Zelenskyy branded it as “one of (Russia’s) most outrageous.” More: HuffPost

President Donald Trump raged against both Fox News and The Wall Street Journal on Thursday, targeting two of the most influential conservative media outlets in the country, both of which are owned by billionaire media mogul Rupert Murdoch. More: Mediaite

The latest from Adam