Operation Epic Eff Up

It’s Wednesday. There are 181 days until the midterm elections. The cult holds in the Hoosier State, the FDA is a joke and the war is ending any minute now.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it doesn’t quote Ice Cube like a dork.

Note: Oh, Sexy Patriots. You don’t deserve this. And we hate to be the ones to do it to you. We know that you’re just going about your day, looking all sexy and fighting the good fight for democracy and decency and then our hot asses come along and ruin it. We’re so sorry. But we just think you should know that the president of the United States seems to be lying about how good he is at golf…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! LOSER!!!!!! And we’re supposed to believe this hack motherfucker is winning club championships? He looks like he’d pass out on a putt-putt course and then try to fuck the windmill on the 18th hole. Because you know he has a thing about windmills.

Joking aside, remember when Kim Jong-il used to say that he shot an 18 while playing golf and we would all laugh at how embarrassing it was that a whole country had to pretend that stupid shit was true? Well that’s us now. And it sucks. Like Trump at golf. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How about some therapy because everything is fucked up? Awesome! We’ll see you at 4 p.m. ET/1 p.m. PT here on Substack or on YouTube!

Note three: HUGE thank you to the Sexy Patriots in Michigan who turned out and held the majority in the state Senate. This stuff is damn important, and we are damn grateful y’all came through. More: The Hill

Note four: There was a big debate in the California guv race last night, and holy shit this thing is a mess. We trust the voters there to sift through this crap and pick a non-Republican. More: HuffPost

Note five: We, as a country, don’t spend enough time talking about what a weird fucking dork this guy is. Probably because we talk about how he fucks couches instead.

Note six: Howard Nutlick is testifying in front of House Oversight today about his buddy Epstein. We hope he has a really shitty day. More: The Guardian

Note seven: An ICE official ran for office. And even Republicans didn’t want her. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Speaking of Ohio, our mission is clear now. We have to elect Sherrod Brown and Amy Acton. Because they’re running against real assholes. More: The Guardian

Note nine: We wish we were joking about Marco Rubio quoting Ice Cube. He also kinda quoted Cypress Hill. And it was some of the corniest shit you’ve ever seen. Someone tell this lame bitch that we’re at war. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Thank you to the brave Americans who marched at the Tennessee state capital to call out Jim Crow yesterday.

Note 11: The Los Angeles mayoral candidates are debating tonight. We are begging you, L.A., please don’t elect Spencer Pratt. More: NBC LA

Note 12: Markwayn Mullen admitted on television this morning that the administration is trying to be more “quiet” with its deportation forces. This is why. What they’ve done is extremely unpopular and millions of Americans know someone who was affected. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Adam Mockler has been chewing up old men and spitting them out, and the old men are really not taking it well. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Some bad parents let their kids hang out with Trump yesterday. We’re glad we’re not the ones paying for those kids’ therapy bills. More: HuffPost

Note 15: A real president was hanging out with Colbert last night. We would definitely vote for Stephen before we’d vote for Rahm.

Note 16: Not only did Trump wreck the East Wing, but he also poisoned a local public golf course with the debris. We don’t expect people to get too upset about a golf course, but this one is very special to us. It’s where Sam played after he got out of rehab. It’s a public course that the public loved and used. So of course Trump is fucking it up. More: WTOP

Note 17: Ted Turner died. Yeah, he saw what CNN is now and he croaked. Ok that’s not true but we like to make jokes. More: CNN

Note 18: According to AAA, the cost of gasoline is now 50 percent higher than it was before Trump started his stupid war. Guess we’re all sitting at home this summer. More: PBS

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, it’s activity time! Thanks to the Internet, you can now create your very own Trumpland conspiracy theory. Sam’s is Hunter Biden created COVID because everybody’s a secret Muslim. WE KNEW IT!

Note 20: And on that fun/depressing note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week and don’t suck at golf like Trump does. Maybe instead he should take up not sucking. We’d sure enjoy that. Love y’all!

Oh Indiana
Trump is a massively unpopular president who is hemorrhaging support. But not in Indiana. Yeah, Trump’s revenge tour against the Indiana Republicans who defied him on redistricting was pretty darn successful, with only one incumbent surviving Trump’s petty and expensive quest for vengeance. As unsettling as this is, we were comforted by social media users who pointed out that this means Republicans across the country will be too afraid to go against Trump, so they will continue to tie their fates to his. And we love that for them. See y’all in November. More: NBC News

FDAssholes
A corrupt FDA run by the brain worm felching raccoon dick guy is covering up studies that show vaccines to prevent COVID and shingles are safe and effective. This kinda thing used to be a major scandal. The RFK people said, anonymously, that the data didn’t support the conclusions. Yeah right. The reality is Trump put a mentally ill anti-vaxxer in charge of our health and this is the kind of crazy fucked up shit he’s doing. Get your shots, folks. More: CNBC

Any minute now
We’re doing that thing again today where Trump calls Axios and tells them that his war in Iran is about to end and Iran and Israel and everyone else are like what the fuck is he talking about. Yesterday Marco and Hegseth told us all that Operation Epic Fury was over and Operation Freedom was starting. Then a few hours later, Trump said Operation Freedom was paused. So yeah, things are going great. The only reason we think this shit might actually be nearing a resolution is because the Chinese are getting more involved. Still, we have faith that Trump will find a way to keep fucking this up. More: The Guardian

Today’s clips
The FBI has launched a criminal leak investigation focusing on an Atlantic magazine journalist who wrote a deeply unflattering account last month of Director Kash Patel’s work habits, two people familiar with the matter told MS NOW. More: MSNOW

Amid all the areas designed to foster culture and community at the Obama Presidential Center opening in June, there is a personal feature close to Barack Obama’s heart. More: CNBC

About 13,000 flights were canceled globally this month as jet fuel prices have continued to rise as a result of the war in Iran, the BBC and The Guardian reported, citing data from aviation analytics company Cirium, amid concerns about how the Middle East conflict will potentially impact travel during the busy summer period. More: HuffPost

JOHANNESBURG/AMSTERDAM, May 6 (Reuters) - Three people, two of them seriously ill, were evacuated on Wednesday from a luxury cruise ship hit by a deadly hantavirus outbreak and marooned for days off the coast of Cape Verde, the World Health Organization said. More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump will host Brazilian President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva on Thursday for talks about shared economic and security issues, a White House official said, speaking on condition of anonymity about a meeting that has not been officially announced. More: Associated Press

“Hangover” star Zach Galifianakis is tearing into fellow comedians who have had President Donald Trump on their podcasts without pushing back against his claims or doing their jobs as modern-day court jesters — and he’s recalling holding power to account himself a few times too. More: HuffPost