Old Ain’t Nick

It’s Tuesday. There are 329 days until the midterm elections. Trump sells out to Xi, a serious problem with women and the economic data that wasn’t.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It allows us to cuss out the assholes doing chin-ups at the damn airport.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, it ain’t easy. It ain’t easy watching your country be gobbled up by a bunch of freaks, losers and assholes. It takes the horror of the situation and adds indignity and insult to it. It’s basically Hitler’s moustache. You’ve got this little monster murdering millions all while looking like he’s got a piece of doodie on his lip. It’s the John Wayne Gacy of it all. The child-murdering clown. Or at least that’s what we were thinking when we saw this and laughed at it until we peed…

Oh dear. Well first, congratulations to all the women of the world throughout history. You really dodged a bullet there. Second of all, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! We’re up against the 40-year-old virgin nazi. Piers Morgan has famously struck out with every famous woman on the planet and even he is dunking on this little gremlin. From the looks of him, Fuentes is even getting rejected by his right hand. And we stand with the hand.

At some point it should become really obvious that there’s an entire political movement in this country made up of loser limp-dick white dude virgins who are scared of Black, brown people and women so they just hate everyone. And we’re really glad to be in the party that opposes that lame shit. We’re also really glad to not be virgins. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: A federal judge is allowing DOJ to unseal the Maxwell records from her 2021 case. No wonder Trump is losing his shit (even more) these days. More: HuffPost

Note three: The big news making the rounds this morning is that Trump did an interview with one of his butt-kissers at Politico. He refused to rule out invading Venezuela, but he was free to lie about the 2020 election with impunity. That’s some quality butt-kissing, Politico. More: Politico

Note four: Congrats to America’s farmers on their welfare. We hope they don’t spend it on drugs and junk food. More: NBC News

Note five: We wish we were kidding about that stupid airport shit. Who the hell is asking for this? Do these idiots just need something to do?!

Note six: Trump is giving himself an “A-plus-plus-plus-plus-plus” on the economy. We don’t even have a joke. More: Yahoo News

Note seven: We were gonna save this for the Happy Ending, but huge congrats to Jimmy Kimmel on getting a contract extension. We’re happy for Jimmy, but we’re mostly happy to know how much this must piss off dipshit. More: CNN

Note eight: We stay out of primaries, but we do want to congratulate Jasmine Crockett on the launch of her U.S. Senate bid. Jasmine has been a strong leader for Democrats this year, and this video is powerful.

Note nine: A corrupt and broken SCOTUS is going to let Trump do whatever he wants to the government. Let’s all pretend to be surprised. More: NBC News

Note 10: Hey Blue Team! Are we flipping the mayor’s office in Miami today? Let’s do this. More: NBC News

Note 11: We doubt this will hold, but Congress is flirting with limiting Passed Out Pete Hegseth’s travel funds unless he gives up the Venezuela snuff film. More of this! More: NBC News

Note 12: Alina Habba is out of a job. Of course she was never really in a job. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Can we please just have one goddamn day where this absolute freakshow doesn’t creep us the eff out?!

Note 14: Congrats to Shohei Ohtani on being named the AP’s Male Athlete of the Year. Sam has seen dude play in-person a couple times and he’s the truth. More: Associated Press

Note 15: We were gonna congratulate Tony “Ron Burgundy” Dokupil on becoming the new anchor of CBS Evening News. But then we remembered he’s only getting that gig because he was a total fucking asshole to Ta-Nehisi Coates and Bari Weiss must’ve loved that. So fuck ‘em both. More: Mediaite, Associated Press

Note 16: The whole damn fight over who gets to buy Warner Bros. is over whether Trump will get to destroy CNN. And while we are tempted to root for that, we ultimately think it would be a bad thing. More: Associated Press

Note 17: We were gonna make fun of Melania’s fake Christmas shit, but we thought you’d enjoy another video of Maxwell Frost dancing more.

Note 18: LOLOL!!! Honduras has issued an arrest warrant for the piece of shit drug dealer Trump just pardoned. Congrats to Trump on being weaker on crime than Honduras. More: CNN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to D.C. last Friday. It was there that Joe Biden had folks getting misty with his rousing address to the LGBTQ+ Victory Institute. The whole thing is worth watching, but we thought we’d pull the motivational part.

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week so far. And we really, really hope that you’re not aging virgin nazis. Love y’all!

Meet the new boss
So we’ve all been wondering what Trump offered China to get them to start buying soybeans again. It turns out it was advanced AI chips that will give China a massive boost. Yeah, this is basically what China’s spies would be trying to steal if our dumbfuck president wasn’t just handing it over. The worst part? China still ain’t buying that many soybeans. Ok so that’s not the worst part. We don’t really care about AI or the AI race, but we do get sick of our president selling us out to China and Russia. More: CNBC

Enough
Trump attacked another woman reporter yesterday. This is becoming a daily thing. And yet none of the cowards in the White House press corps have confronted him over it. Yesterday ABC’s Rachel Scott, a terrific young reporter, asked Trump about his flip-flop on releasing the second strike video. Because he was caught in a lie, Trump started attacking Scott as “obnoxious.” None of the other reporters in the room had her back or even asked a follow-up. We get that these reporters don’t want to become the news, but it is most certainly newsworthy that the president of the United States is increasingly verbally abusive to women reporters. It’s fair to ask if he’s lashing out because of the pressures of the job. It’s also fair to think about little girls who might be watching this shit. More: Deadline

What numbers?
Last Friday, we should have gotten the November jobs report. We didn’t. Yesterday we learned that the Bureau of Labor Statistics isn’t going to publish an October PPI inflation report. Hmmmm. This comes after they canceled the GDP report too. We’re not economists, but we think the economy is probably in real fucking trouble if the Jan. 6 asshole is working this hard to disappear all the data. Can you imagine if Obama had… More: Raw Story

Today’s clips
An Indiana State Senate committee advanced a proposed new congressional map after hearings Monday, after months of contentious debate and pressure from the Trump administration. More: CBS News

Twelve FBI agents who were fired this year for taking a knee during racial justice protests in the heated summer of 2020 are suing the Bureau and its director, alleging unlawful retaliation. More: NPR

DR. MEHMET OZ, the administrator for the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) and former daytime talk show star, has recently been emailing all federal workers in his agency weekly tips on “Crushing Cubicle Cravings” and how to avoid snacking in the office. More: Wired

President Donald Trump has asserted executive privilege to prevent courtroom adversaries from accessing evidence in a long-running lawsuit that accuses him of stoking violence at the Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021. More: Politico

Texas has launched a partnership with Turning Point USA to create chapters of the right-wing organization on every high school campus in the state. More: Texas Tribune

The Daily Show host Jon Stewart ridiculed Newsmax host Greg Kelly on Monday for struggling to locate Venezuela on a map during a news segment about a potential conflict with the country. More: Mediaite

President Donald Trump snapped that Politico’s White House chief Dasha Burns was being “dramatic” as she warned American households were budgeting for “holiday presents” and 2026 around a looming healthcare subsidies cliff edge. More: Mediaite