Oh SNAP!

It’s Monday. There are 372 days until the midterm elections and EIGHT DAYS UNTIL 2025 ELECTIONS! Greg the Gasser gets called to court, New Yorkers hit the polls and Trump is going to starve Americans.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t endorse the East Wing demolition like that asshole at WaPo did.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We missed y’all so much this weekend. We hope you canvassed, made calls and then put your phones down to avoid the constant tsunami of awful shit. We made the mistake of plugging in yesterday and we felt our brains melting and dripping out of our ears. We were ready to chuck it all to go and be soybean farmers. Then we remembered that Trump is killing that industry. Also, it’s apparently pretty competitive…

LOLOL!!! WHAT?! Yeah, and we’re astronauts. Is that richy-rich motherfucker seriously cos-playing as a soybean farmer? Where are your fucking overalls, nerd boy?! He’s felt the pain too?! He’s worth half-a-billion fucking dollars! You know, SPs, there was a time in this country when a multi-millionaire going on television and pretending to be hurting financially from the dumbfuck policies he helped implement would have been considered scandalous. The same goes for a president who spends all his time at his goddamn country club while people starve and he goes around pretending he invented the word groceries.

There is a major disconnect between the version of reality Trump is selling and the one most Americans are living through. Unfortunately, there is a major connect between most of the mainstream media and Trump’s ass. But they will all learn one day. Especially when they have to get their food from soybean farmers like Scott fucking Bessent. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Rolling Stone

Note two: Big congrats, America! You just bought an election in Argentina, and it only cost you $40 billion. Feels good, don’t it? More: HuffPost

Note three: If America seems less dumb and less stanky right now it’s because Trump is in Asia. Breathe deep while you can. More: NBC News

Note four: We feel like we need to say this again — DO NOT TAKE PREGNANCY ADVICE FROM AN 80-YEAR-OLD IDIOT WHO THINKS WINDMILLS CAUSE CANCER. More: The Hill

Note five: CNBC is basically just Fox’s dingleberry, but we love seeing Ruben Gallego mixing it up with Republican kiss-asses…

Note six: Trump spent most of the morning rambling about how he can run for president again in 2028. Meanwhile he also admitted he had an MRI at Walter Reed. The MRI machine now has syphilis. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Joe Biden spoke about the “dark days” we’re in right now. Glad to see him on his feet and fighting the good fight. More: HuffPost

Note eight: What are y’all going as for Halloween? Horrified Americans? If you are dressing up, let us know in the comments. We will also accept joke answers.

Note nine: Indiana is going ahead with a scheme to redraw their congressional maps after being threatened by Trump. For some reason, the mainstream media is treating this all like it’s normal. More: AP News

Note 10: Here is Gavin Newsom saying what Democrats (and the media) should have been saying from the jump…

Note 11: Have you voted yet? Do you have a plan to vote? Have you convinced several non-assholes to vote too? Let’s send a message next week that Trump (and the New York Times) can’t ignore!

Note 12: We dump on the NYT a lot, mostly because they suck and helped normalize fascism like nobody’s business. But today on the front page, they have a story about how Trump’s policies have basically started a depression in Iowa. Maybe Iowa shouldn’t have voted for a fucking moron. More: NY Times

Note 13: You wanna know why you don’t put a drunken idiot in charge of the military? Because we don’t need to be losing aircraft off boats. Especially twice in 30 minutes. More: AP News

Note 14: They caught two of the Louvre thieves. We have to admit that we were rooting for them to get away. More: NBC

Note 15: Thank you to AOC for this damn important message. Don’t give up hope, y’all. It’s all we’ve fucking got left.

Note 16: Hurricane Meliss is coming. We’re sending love to the good people of Jamaica. Because you know America won’t send shit else these days. More: NBC

Note 17: The Washington Post editorial board really did praise Trump’s demolition of the East Wing. They just failed to mention that owner Jeff Bezos is helping to fund the ballroom with his bribes. Once again, RIP to the Washington Post. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Kamala said she’s not ruling out a 2028 bid. We’re definitely shopping for other candidates, but we remain big fans of the VP and we hate seeing so many folks shit over her for saying this. More: AP News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, you’re just gonna have to watch. We should make clear that we abhor violence and we don’t want anyone to die. But this is pretty fucking funny. And yes, the interviewer is that girl who pooped her pants a few years ago.

Note 20: And on that knee-slapping note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a lovely weekend and didn’t have to spend it toiling in the fields like our Treasury Secretary. What a fucking asshole. Love y’all!

Greg the Gasser

If you’ve never heard of Greg Bovino, then you are very, very lucky. Bovino is the commander of Border Patrol, and he loves violence almost as much as he loves thinking he’s in a television show. Bovino is the tip of the spear of Trump’s assaults on American cities. We first became aware of him when he was spouting off in front of the cameras in Los Angeles. Well now he’s in Chicago, and he was busted on tape throwing tear gas canisters at protesters in open violation of a judge’s ruling. So the judge is hauling his ass to court tomorrow. We’re damn eager to see how this goes. The Trump administration is arguing that state and local police can’t do shit to Trump’s stormtroopers, and it does feel like this will come to a head. The good news is Bovino doesn’t do so well in court. When he testified (and lied) in L.A., his side lost the court case.

More: NBC, Cal Matters

We heart NY!

Last night in NYC, AOC and Bernie and a bunch of Democrats gathered to rally with Zohran Mamdani. And holy shit is there some big damn momentum behind that campaign. According to The City, more than 164,000 New Yorkers have already voted. That’s almost as many people as voted in total in 2021. You can tell Zo is doing great because the racists are pulling out all the stops. The New York Daily News even endorsed Cuomo, downplaying the fucked up shit he did as governor. One of the many reasons we like Zo is that he makes billionaires very sad, and we love that. If you’re a New Yorker, don’t forget to vote. If you’re not a New Yorker, don’t forget to vote wherever you do live.

More: NBC

The Golden Age

According to Trump, America has never been richer. His tariffs and shakedowns are such huge successes that there are billions of dollars on the tariff shelf and trillions have been invested in this country. But apparently we don’t have enough money to feed starving children. On Nov. 1, SNAP benefits will run out in this country, and people will go hungry. Trump has access to a $5 billion emergency fund he could use, but instead he has sent out a notice that the benefits will run out. Why? Well he’s using starving children as leverage in the shutdown fight. And also because he’s a heartless piece of shit who hates everyone who isn’t rich. A lot of people depend on these benefits, and we’re going to have to fill the gap. Please do whatever you can to help your local food banks. We’ve got to help each other through this because the president of the United States is focused on his fucking ballroom.

More: The Hill, Politico

Today’s clips

CNN’s Harry Enten discussed the American public’s stunning shift against President Donald Trump’s tariffs on Monday morning — and offered some unsolicited advice to the commander-in-chief. More: Mediaite

Sen. James Lankford (R-Okla.) has admitted he’d be “apoplectic” if former President Joe Biden had authorized deadly strikes on alleged drug-trafficking vessels without consulting Congress, as President Donald Trump is doing right now. More: HuffPost

The first caller on a telephone town hall with Maryland Rep. Andy Harris, leader of the House’s conservative Freedom Caucus, came ready with a question about the Affordable Care Act. Her cousin’s disabled son is at risk of losing the insurance he gained under that law, the caller said. More: AP News

U.S. Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy warned Sunday that he is about make good on a threat to revoke millions in federal funds for California because he says the state is illegally issuing commercial driver’s licenses to noncitizens. More: AP News

Gunfire erupted during outdoor festivities at Pennsylvania’s Lincoln University late Saturday, killing one person and wounding six others as students and alumni celebrated homecoming at the historically Black school, authorities said. More: HuffPost