No ‘No’ from Noem

It’s Thursday. There are 243 days until the midterms. Pam Bondi’s about to have a bad day, what Kristi Noem didn’t say and Trump’s AI mass murder campaign.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it knows better than to mess with Dunkin’.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How’s all the stupid treating you? Yeah, it’s getting to us too. We think the shit that really upsets us most is the obvious shit. There are some things we just feel like we shouldn’t have to say. Like we shouldn’t have to tell someone that DOJ removing Epstein files about Trump is an obvious coverup. We shouldn’t have to tell someone it’s not hygienic to do cocaine off of any part of a toilet. We shouldn’t have to tell the president of the United States not to start a stupid illegal war in the Middle East…

AND WE SURE AS FUCK SHOULDN’T HAVE TO TELL OUR OWN FUCKING PARTY NOT TO FUND THAT STUPID FUCKING WAR!!!!!

SERIOUSLY?!!!! Who the hell is passing out dumbfuck sandwiches at the Democratic meetings? And why do so many of our people keep eating them?! If we didn’t want y’all to fund ICE, we sure as shit don’t want y’all funding this psychopath’s global temper tantrums! Why are we even having to say this?! How the hell do they still not get what’s happening?! Do more people need to lose primaries before they wake up?

We are going to say this as clearly as we know how — DO NOT fund any fucked up, deadly and illegal shit that Donald Trump wants. Not even a little fucking bit. If you do, we will remember it, we will starve you of campaign funds and we won’t vote for you for a goddamn thing. If you want to be John Fetterman, then put on a hoodie and start sucking. Otherwise, act like a fucking opposition party and tell the deranged warmonger to go fuck himself. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Speaking of Fuckhead Fetterman, congrats to him and Senate Republicans on voting to own this war. We’ll make sure you never forget it. More: NPR

Note three: We did some therapy yesterday, and damn we needed it. If you missed it, please join us here for some cussing, some anger and some laughs.

Adam will be interviewing Democrat Shawn Harris at 12 PM ET today about his campaign to fill the vacant seat formerly held by Marjorie Taylor Greene. This special jungle election is taking place on Tuesday, March 10. You can tune in here YouTube

Note four: So we haven’t forgotten the shit Republicans pulled in Texas Tuesday night, and we know you haven’t either. More: HuffPost

Note five: This is way too much Fetterman in the newsletter today, but we saw this bigoted bullshit and discovered that we could actually hate him more than we already did.

Note six: Montana Sen. Steve Daines says he ain’t running anymore. Good. He’s an asshole. More: HuffPost

Note seven: For a new Catholic, JD Vance sure sucks at it. If only it was as easy as putting your little weiner in a sofa.

Vance Says He Never Apologized to Cardinal Dolan. Dolan Says He Did

Note eight: While we’re talking famous Catholics, Lou Holtz died. Oh well. More: ESPN

Note nine: There are thousands of Americans trapped in Trump’s war zone. It’s almost like he didn’t think any of this stupid shit through. When does Richard Engel start crying on live tv? More: NBC News

Note 10: Rep. Tony Gonzales finally admitted to having an affair with his staffer, but it’s cool because he says God forgave him. You’ll notice in this clip he never mentions the staffer who he pressured for pics until she literally set herself on fire.

Note 11: The brainworm felcher guy fucked up big time. He tried to mess with Dunkin’. He didn’t know that New England don’t play when it comes to this shit. And Dunkin’ is what Sam drinks every morning too, so we’re taking this personal. What a fucking moron. At least he’s focused on that whole measles thing. More: Fox Business

Note 12: Gosh. It sure is weird how young Republicans are always doing racist, nazi, rapey shit. It’s almost like there’s an alarming pattern. More: Miami Herald

Note 13: Hey so as mad as we are about the Dallas County bullshit and as disappointed as we are for Jasmine, we are excited for Talarico and ready to win. It looks like he is too. Let’s do this!

Note 14: Yesterday Karoline Leavitt said that Spain had agreed to help Trump with his dumb war. Spain immediately called bullshit. But she’s probably telling the truth about everything else. More: Associated Press

Note 15: We didn’t want to post the video directly because it’s pretty disturbing. But U.S. Senator and known liar Tim Sheehy broke the arm of a U.S. Marine yesterday. And Sheehy and the Capitol Police are acting like that’s a good thing. More: The Independent

Note 16: Trump seems pretty worried about that Texas Senate race. He’s even trying to cancel the run-off election. We’re sure Ken Paxton will be reasonable about this lol. More: The Hill

Note 17: Hey so the White House is treating a real war like it’s a video game and holy fucking shit we are all going to die.

Note 18: Hey Virginia, early voting starts tomorrow to let the state draw new congressional maps. We need this one if we’re going to win the House, so let’s get into it. More: Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, we’re gonna talk more about the Noem hearing in a second. But we saw this this morning and could not stop laughing.

Note 20: And on that hilariously awkward note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there this week. But we totally get it if you’re losing your minds. That seems like a pretty normal reaction to everything. Let’s lose ‘em together! Love y’all!

Get ready, Pamela Jo
While Trump hopes we’re all going to forget about his child rape scandal, House Democrats (and a few Republicans) voted yesterday to subpoena Pam Bondi to come testify about why she is covering this shit up. It really tells you how fucked up this all is that even people like Nancy Mace are voting with us. And she’s the worst! Between this and Lutnick, the Epstein scandal has now reached members of the Cabinet. It’s a start. But when do Trump and Melania testify? More: Associated Press

No ‘no’ from Noem
Sam thought that was really clever. Also, who do you feel more sorry for — Cricket or Mr. Noem? Yeah, it’s Cricket for us too. So Kristi Noem has had a rough couple of days on Capitol Hill as Democrats and a couple of Republicans have demanded answers over her department’s murder of two Americans, her blowing through tax dollars on fancy jets and the affair she’s having with Corey Lewandowski. HUGE thanks to Rep. Sydney Kamlager-Dove on her tough questioning yesterday. There are reports this morning that Trump is quite angry with how it’s all gone (not the affair part), and he wants to replace her with Markwaynebillybob. LOL. Good choice, dude. We want to point out, as others have, that Noem refused to say she wasn’t having an affair with Corey. Because she knew that would have been a lie to Congress. More: The Independent, HuffPost

Terminator Too
The future is here, and it’s fucking terrifying. Trump and his drunken rapey SecDef are using AI to identify and execute targets (people) in Iran. And while there is not yet confirmation that this is why 165 people, mostly little girls, were murdered, there are a lot of experts who suspect that AI used an outdated map and that’s why we did a fucking double-tap on more than a hundred children. This is one of those rare stories that makes us angry AND scares the living shit out of us. How long until Republicans want to start using this technology on Americans too? More: The Guardian, Middle East Eye

Today’s clips
Renewed retaliatory strikes from Iran again raised anxiety in U.S. markets Thursday, sending futures lower and energy prices higher with prices at the pump jumping overnight. More: HuffPost

A CBS town hall event featuring Vice President JD Vance that was originally scheduled for March 14 has been postponed “due to the war,” according to the network. More: HuffPost

Britney Spears was arrested in Southern California on Wednesday night, according to Ventura County jail records. More: NBC News

The National Capital Planning Commission on Thursday will review and could vote on President Donald Trump’s new White House ballroom plans, potentially paving the way for the massive architectural project to move forward. More: NBC News

GALLE, Sri Lanka (AP) — An Iranian warship that was sunk by a U.S. submarine near Sri Lanka had participated in naval exercises hosted by India before heading out into international waters in the Indian Ocean on its way home, New Delhi said. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — The House is preparing to vote Thursday on a war powers resolution to halt President Donald Trump’s attack on Iran, a sign of unease in Congress over the rapidly widening conflict that is reordering U.S. priorities at home and abroad.

MINNEAPOLIS (AP) — U.S. Customs and Border Protection has opened an internal investigation into whether Gregory Bovino, the one-time architect of President Donald Trump’s large-scale immigration crackdown, made disparaging comments about the Jewish faith of the U.S. attorney for Minnesota. More: Associated Press

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) — A federal judge temporarily blocked the enforcement on Wednesday of an executive order issued last year by Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis that designates two Muslim groups as foreign terrorist organizations. More: Associated Press

DENVER (AP) — Colorado’s Democratic governor, facing a pressure campaign from President Donald Trump, is signaling his openness to granting clemency to a former county clerk who was convicted in a scheme that attempted to find proof of fraud in the 2020 presidential election. More: Associated Press