No effing way

It’s Wednesday. There are 391 days until the midterm elections. BS Bondi’s telling silence, Little Johnson’s games and Comey gets arraigned.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it never shot a priest in the face with tear gas.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We’ve got a real treat for you today. The beauty and tragedy of following the news closely during the Trump years is you can still manage to miss a lot of really, really dumb shit. And one of the things we missed was this thing Trump said about being good so he can get into Heaven…

Ummm he’s been talking about this a lot lately. Or maybe it’s The Bruise talking. Regardless, we went straight to the source to see if Trump should be worried about his chances of getting into Heaven. Here now is an exclusive interview with our dear friend, God…

Us: Hey God!

God: Hey boys! Loving the newsletter! Aren’t you glad to be using your me-given powers of cussing for good and not evil?

Us: Yes ma’am! So is Trump getting into Heaven?

God: Fuck no!

Us: LOL! Oh so that didn’t seem like a hard question.

God: How could it be Heaven if he was here? I’d have to change the name to like Cankles Fart Dump Shitsville or something.

Us: Good point, God. Well thanks for clearing that up.

God: No problem, boys. Stay sexy.

Well there you have it. It’s always such a treat when she swings by to chat. We really appreciate her candor. And the way she uses the f-word. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Who needs some therapy? Yeah, us too. So join us today at 4:30 ET/1:30 PT where we’ll talk it out. You can find us here on the substack app or live on twitter/facebook/youtube/instagram

Note three: One of the reasons we need therapy is Dolly Parton’s sister. Seriously, please don’t scare the shit out of us like this. We just can’t take it right now. More: HuffPost

Note four: You might not be feeling very proud to be an American these days, but we bet that will change when you hear that Herschel Walker was confirmed to be ambassador to the Bahamas. No? Still pretty fucking ashamed? Yeah, we get that. More: NBC News

Note five: You know how we know we’re on the good side? Because our side isn’t shooting fucking priests in the fucking face.

Note six: We’re gonna go out on a limb and say that yesterday was not a proud day for Canadians. Mark Carney is clearly trying to play nice with the guy who keeps insulting and threatening his country, and it’s not a good look. More: HuffPost

Note seven: We didn’t realize there was a corrupt flunkie behind Trump’s sharpiegate. We also didn’t realize that flunky is now running NOAA. So yeah we’re fucked. Good luck, Florida! More: NBC News

Note eight: Kristi Noem is big mad about Zach Bryan’s new anti-ICE country song. That has made us like it even more. More: Mediaite

Note nine: We’re actually not kidding. Here’s some of the song, and we can’t believe we’re saying this but it’s kinda…. Good.

Note 10: We’re gonna warn you this is a very hard story to read. It’s about the children that Elon and Trump are starving to death. We hope they both enjoy hell. More: Associated Press

Note 11: We’re not the first to point it out, but thank you to the local journalists on the ground in Chicago (and Portland) for spreading the truth about their cities. It really should be a bigger deal that the president of the United States is lying about this shit. More: Southside Weekly

Note 12: A lot of people are piling on Katie Porter for this interview, and we get it. We’re not the hugest Porter fans, but this is some bullshit questioning and we actually want to see more Democrats pushing back against this stuff. Asking repeatedly how to win Trump voters in California is a joke. More: Yahoo News

Note 13: Here’s Kristi Noem again. She’s leading a prayer with her extramarital asshead. These people sure are full of shit, ain’t they?

Note 14: A broken and corrupt Supreme Court is going to legalize torturing gay kids, even in blue states. They are some truly sick fucks. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Whoa!!! Senate Democratic candidates are putting up some really big fundraising numbers. Roy Cooper set a record with almost $15 million in a quarter, and Jon Ossoff just reported $12 million. It’s almost like people really, really want change. More: AJC, The Hill

Note 16: So this is a shocking thing to write, but you have to check out this video from Schumer. Yeah, we know. We can’t believe it either, but this is really good.

Note 17: Cheryl Hines is talking shit about the Kennedy family. And they’re not even the ones cheating on her and trying to kill children. Fuck Cheryl Hines. More: The Hill

Note 18: Goddamnit, Portland. Y’all are just too lovable! Resist, baby!!!

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you up to Fairbanks, Alaska, where last night a Democrat defeated the Republican mayor. Apparently the Republican mayor was a real asshole, so we’re happy he lost. Thank you, Fairbanks!!! (And thank you to Bolts Mag’s Daniel Nichanian for pointing this out.) More: Alaska News Source

Note 20: And on that winning note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week and have an excellent hump day. Except Trump. He can eat shit. Love y’all!

Note 21: Here’s a bonus Happy Ending of VP Harris talking like she reads our newsletter. Welcome to the party, ma’am.

Bullshit Bondi
Well that was a damn disgrace. Yesterday AG Pam Bondi testified in front of a Senate panel, and she made a mockery of the whole damn thing. But worse, she had to scream and make a scene because she couldn’t answer questions about Trump being photographed with half-naked girls or Tom Homan taking bags of cash. Instead she attacked and insulted every Democratic member of the committee while chairman Chuck Grassley spread lies about Jan. 6. It’s good to know that Republican senators will be fine being treated like this by the next Democratic AG who better fucking not be Merrick Garland. More: CNBC, New Republic

Flip-flopping Little Johnson
Mike Little Johnson is not handling losing this shutdown very well. And he is REALLY having a hard time lying about why he is refusing to swear in Democratic Rep.-elect Adelita Grijalva. As y’all know, Grijalva is the magic 218th vote to force a vote to release the Epstein files, and Johnson has done everything he can to avoid seating her. Yesterday, when confronted with the truth about other members he has seated right away, Johnson said that Grijalva could be seated whenever she wants. Then he had his staff walk that back and say she can be sworn in when the shutdown ends. So again, the Republican Speaker of the House is covering up a notorious child sex-trafficking ring for political reasons. Sounds like a scandal to us. More: CNN

This is wrong
Sigh. Jim Comey is getting arranged today, so we guess we better defend this fucking asshole. Comey, the arrogant d-bag who threw the 2016 election to Trump, is being arraigned on two counts dealing with leaking information to a reporter and lying to Congress. It’s pretty obvious he didn’t do either, and we’re excited for him to get off. But man it sucks having to defend this shithead. That’s how gross this abuse of power from Trump is. Because if we could avoid defending Comey, we would. There were reports that the FBI fired an agent for refusing to handcuff and perp walk Comey, so we’ll see if there are any shenanigans today. More: NBC News, CNN

Today’s clips
President Donald Trump said in a post to Truth Social on Wednesday that Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson and Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker “should be in jail” in an escalation of his conflict with the two Democratic officials. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump is reportedly “perplexed” by MAGA loyalist Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) for breaking ranks with both party and the president on several major issues, including Gaza and the government shutdown. More: Mediaite

Two key Democratic figures this week said President Donald Trump may be suffering from dementia. More: HuffPost

Pope Leo told U.S. bishops visiting him at the Vatican on Wednesday that they should firmly address how immigrants are being treated by President Donald Trump’s hardline policies, attendees said, in the latest push by the pontiff on the issue. More: HuffPost

Democratic Arizona Gov. Katie Hobbs launched her reelection bid Wednesday, outlining a practical rather than confrontational approach to campaigning in a swing state where the politics are delicate and she will need Republican support. More: Associated Press

Read some Sexy Testimonials from some Sexy Patriots

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