New Year’s Sleaze

It’s Wednesday. There are 307 days until the midterm elections. Epstein’s friend attacks Minnesota children, Boebert vs. the butthead and Trump was Epstein’s pimp.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It allows us to say fuck 2025.

Note: Why did the sexy chicken cross the road? So it could tell Donald Trump to eat shit. Ok not our best. What can we say, Sexy Patriots, but it’s the end of a long damn year and we are limping to the finish line. Yes, this shit-covered, fucked up year is finally over. We thought about doing a retrospective of the year’s highlights and lowlights, but then we remembered we don’t hate ourselves that much.

So instead we’d like to close out the year by saying thank you. You continue to humble us and blow our minds by choosing this crazy cussing newsletter as your source of news and resistance. We simply never imagined there would be so many of us when we first started almost seven years ago. Of course we also never imagined that Americans would reelect the dumb motherfucker who attacked the Capitol and played golf while 3,500 Americans died a day from COVID, so yeah, maybe we don’t know shit.

But what we do know is we’re all still here. Trump and Elon Leon and the rest of the loser assholes did everything they could to break us this year, but here we are. Yeah, we proved to ourselves and to the world that we ain’t done yet. We didn’t quit, we didn’t surrender and we didn’t fall to our knees and kiss orange ass like so many gutless cowards. No, we stood tall, we marched, we resisted and we are still here. America might be all gross and fucked up right now, but there’s still good in her. Y’all are the good, and there’s nobody we’d rather be in this fight with than your hot asses.

So thank you, from the bottoms of our sexy hearts, for helping us fight fascism and fuckheads this year. We might not have the White House, the Senate, the House or the media, but at least we’ve got each other. And that’s pretty damn good. Y’all have a blessed 2026.

Note two: If you missed yesterday’s therapy session and want to get caught up on why everyone hates Chevy Chase and Trump (not together), you can check it out on YouTube here or Substack here:

Note three: RIP to Tatianna Schlossberg. The 35-year-old granddaughter of JFK died from blood cancer yesterday, not long after writing a powerful op-ed condemning her lunatic piece of shit uncle Brainworm Felching Dumbfuck. We’re sending our love to the rest of the family. More: New Yorker

Note four: IOWA!!! Y’all came through big time yesterday, winning the last election of the year for Democrats with a 27-POINT OVERPERFORMANCE!!! Renee Hardman not only prevented Republicans from winning back a supermajority, but she also became the first Black woman elected to the Iowa state senate. Jesus. What fucking year is it? Anyway, thanks, Iowa! More: Associated Press

Note five: We cannot stress enough that you should not take medical advice from this man. Get your flu shots. Think of it as a fuck you to Oz.

Note six: Y’all, we are really gonna have to abolish ICE. Jeff Bezos’s shitty Washington Post has a story today about how Trump is spending $100 million in ads to recruit right-wing nutjobs to join the paramilitary organization. So yeah, we’re gonna have to shut all this shit down. More: Washington Post, Mediaite

Note seven: We almost didn’t want to share this because it’s so awful, but on the day when the Kennedy family was mourning the loss of Tatiana, the president of the United States decided to attack them on his gross social media website. He really gets off on hitting dead people. Probably because his bitch ass knows they can’t hit back. More: Mediaite

Note eight: If you’re one of the people getting smacked by this nasty winter storm, please be safe out there. Stay inside and drink hot chocolate and read our newsletter. More: NBC News

Note nine: It might be time for us to make peace with George Clooney now that he’s going after Bari Weiss. And to be honest, his last movie was pretty good. More: HuffPost

Note 10: The president shared a picture of a dead bird he thought was an eagle to make a point about how much he hates windmills. What a totally normal thing to write about the most powerful officeholder in the world.

Note 11: Hard to believe it’s almost Jan. 6 again. Wonder if Trump will attack America again.

Note 12: We’re sending love to Zohran Mamdani ahead of his swearing-in tomorrow. The right and the New York Post (and way too many Democrats) are gonna throw everything they have at this guy, but we think he’s up for it. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Ugh. We were so sad to hear that Isaiah Whitlock died yesterday. We freaking love The Wire. But he was good in so much. If you’ve never seen Cedar Rapids, check it out.

Note 14: From now on, Democratic presidents get to make up their own approval numbers. If this fucking idiot can do it, then we can too. More: Mediaite

Note 15: The AP wrote a kiss-ass story about what a disastrous joke Trump’s tariffs are. We still thought it was worth sharing. More: Associated Press

Note 16: RIP to former U.S. Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell. More: NBC News

Note 17: Consider us on the side of daycare workers who don’t let entitled little shits like this bust into their daycare centers…

Note 18: We don’t normally link to the New York Post, but we can’t stop laughing at 0 percent of New Yorkers saying Eric Adams was the best mayor ever. Remember when Nate Silver said this asshole was the future of the Democratic Party? LOL! More: NY Post

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we got nothing other than you and the fact that this year is, in fact, ending. Thank goodness. And thank you, Sexy Patriots, for helping us get through it with smiles on our faces. Have a fun and safe New Year’s Even, and we’ll see you in 2026. Love y’all!

Minnesota nice
Trump is escalating his war on Somali Americans by attacking all Minnesota children after HHS announced it will halt all federal childcare funding to the state. It’s important to remember that there was fraud, it was initiated by a white woman and Joe Biden’s DOJ investigated and prosecuted these cases. But Trump was desperate to fire up the racists who were asking too many questions about Epstein and the economy, so the White House is attacking Minnesotans. We hope Minnesotans are good and pissed off about it. We sure are. More: NBC News

Killing Colorado
Minnesota wasn’t the only U.S. state the American president attacked yesterday. Trump also vetoed a unanimously passed bill that would fund the completion of a major drinking water project for rural Colorado. This morning, Trump sent out a Truth Social post telling the state’s leaders to “rot in hell” because criminal clerk Tina Peters is still in jail. So yeah, he’s using his veto power to try and coerce Colorado to free his coup plotters. This is light years beyond fucked up and a totally impeachable offense. It’s so egregious that even Lauren Boebert is calling it out. Stay strong, Colorado. More: The Hill, New Republic, Mediaite

Epstein’s pimp
The Wall Street Journal dropped a bombshell last night, but they tried to make it Trump-friendly. In a stunning report, the Journal said that Trump’s Mar-a-Lago was sending girls to Epstein’s home in Palm Beach for “house calls” for years. It was to the point that the girls warned each other about going to his house because he would expose himself and do other gross inappropriate shit. Trump eventually cut him off. What a fucking hero. This is genuinely shocking shit and we’re sure the White House press will be all over it today. Right? More: Mediaite

Today’s clips
A newly unsealed order in the criminal case against Kilmar Abrego Garcia reveals that high-level Justice Department officials pushed for his indictment, calling it a “top priority,” only after he was mistakenly deported and then ordered returned to the U.S. More: NBC News

China’s People’s Liberation Army said Wednesday that it “successfully completed” two days of military exercises in the waters off Taiwan, concluding a set of high-powered maneuvers aimed at asserting its sovereignty over the island — actions that ratcheted up tension in East Asia during 2025’s waning days. More: Associated Press

Attorney General Pam Bondi subjected herself to some social media mockery after she shared a chart showing a steep decline in fentanyl deaths, with data that ended before her boss, President Donald Trump, took office. More: Mediaite

Nineteen states will raise their minimum wages to ring in the new year for 2026, with most of them reaching a rate of $15 per hour or higher. More: HuffPost