New effing tone

It’s Thursday. There are 271 days until the midterm elections. ICE out of Virginia, NBC’s Epstein cover-up and remembering to hate the couch guy.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it shit in the cereal at the Prayer Breakfast.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it’s been a rough morning here at the AltMedia HQ. Yeah, it turns out the Nigerian prince we were trying to help was just some scammer in New Jersey. And the Brooklyn Bridge that we bought turned out to not even be owned by the guy who sold it to us. The worst part? That guy claiming to be the wallet inspector turned out to be a fucking liar. Our wallets didn’t even need inspecting!

We had to start wondering if we were possibly the dumbest, most gullible sonsofbitches on the whole goddamn planet. And then we saw this…

You have got to be fucking kidding. Softer tone? Fucking seriously? We’re really still doing this fucking shit? In the same interview, that miserable motherfucker attacked Alex Pretti and Renee Good, two Americans Trump murdered, as “no angels.” And that counts as a new tone?! Well if the simps at CNN like that, they’re gonna love this — Fuck you, you CNN wusses. Eat shit, kiss our asses and then go fuck yourselves.

We hope they get super syphilis and their genitals fall off and are eaten by rats. If that seems harsh, don’t worry. We’ll say something nice next week and they’ll be on their knees praising our new tone. Fucking losers. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: While we were writing this morning, Trump was at that disgusting Prayer Breakfast attacking Democrats and asking how they can be Christians. Really, bro? We ain’t never hung out with no pedophiles. NO LINK

Note three: Welp, layoffs are up and hiring is way down. This is the golden age, right? More: CNBC

Note four: The British Prime Minister has apologized to Epstein’s victims. When will the president of the United States do the same? Oh right. More: HuffPost

Note five: Oh dear. If Melania is going to start getting Epstein questions, then we might never see her again. And that would be totally fine with us.

Note six: This thing with Savannah Guthrie’s mom is one of the weirdest and most horrible non-Trump things we can remember. More: NBC News

Note seven: Be honest — if your mom had been kidnapped and they told you Kash Patel was on the case, wouldn’t you just go ahead and start mourning? Like he’ll definitely accidentally kidnap more people, right? More: HuffPost

Note eight: Trump really did attack Renee and Alex as “no angel.” Fucking piece of shit. More: The Independent

Note nine: Democrats laid out their demands for ICE yesterday. We’re already seeing Chuckles Schumer start to negotiate with himself. Hold the fucking line. More: Associated Press

Note 10: We were gonna ask what the hell kind of Prayer Breakfast is this. But we figured the better question is What the hell kind of Christians are these?

Note 11: The Supreme Court decided not to mess with California’s new congressional map. We were happy to see it, but we fear it’s a temporary victory and this fucked up court is still gonna destroy the Voting Rights Act. More: Associated Press

Note 12: Remember the law firm Paul Weiss? Yeah, us neither. But they sold out and got on their knees for Trump. And then this week their chairman resigned because of Epstein stuff. Weird how all these things go together, ain’t it? More: CNBC

Note 13: Poll after poll shows that Americans hate ICE and want it reined in. Now we just need Senate Democrats to act like it. More: NPR

Note 14: It is endlessly funny to us that every single time they try to cram Melania down our throat, Americans go looking for Michelle Obama content. More: The Guardian

Note 15: We were gonna make this the Happy Ending, but it brought too many tears to our eyes. If you’ve never seen Best in Show, please remedy that immediately.

Note 16: So Tulsi Gabbard stole voting machines from Puerto Rico to prove that Venezuela and Italian satellites stole the 2020 election? LOL. Sure. Whatever. More: CNN

Note 17: Thanks to Sen. Ron Wyden for scaring the shit out of us yesterday. We’re actually really grateful to him for always being a real watchdog, but also what the fuck, man? More: KPIC

Note 18: Because it needs to be said, fuck Jeff Bezos. Fuck him with a rusty spoon. More: NPR

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the world of professional wrestling. No, really. This ain’t exactly our forte, but they were playing our favorite song…

Note 20: And on that no-holds-barred note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there. Unless you’re one of those new tone shitheads at CNN. They can fuck right off. Love y’all!

Get out!
This is one we were waiting for. Despite reports to the contrary, new Virginia Gov. Abigail Spanberger had not yet officially ended the state’s relationship with ICE. That is no longer the case. Yesterday Spanberger followed up her initial executive order by officially canceling contracts between state agencies and ICE. The next step is taking on the local relationships law enforcement have with ICE. Still, this is a big win and another reminder that elections matter and so does winning them. Thank you, Governor! More: Bolts Mag

NBCowards
NBC’s Tom Llamas had a one-hour sit-down interview with Trump yesterday. He didn’t ask one single question about Epstein. Fucking really, dude? Trump is in the Epstein files more than 38,000 times and it just didn’t come up? Yeah, we don’t think that’s a coincidence. We hate that we have to wonder what kinds of deals were made before the interview. Did Trump agree to help Savannah Guthrie if there were no Epstein questions? Or was Tom just worried that would happen so he took matters into his own hands. These emails are fucking horrifying. This is a major fucking scandal. So why the hell is the American press trying to make it go away? NO LINK

Oh yeah
We have days when we forget that JD Vance exists. Those are really good days. But then we have days like yesterday when we see his smug bitch ass being a dick about smearing Alex Pretti and we remember how much we fucking hate him. Vance did some interviews yesterday and reminded everyone how much he sucks. He literally went on Megyn Kelly’s show and said that Kaitlan Collins should smile more. Dude, she was asking about child rape victims. Is that something JD smiles about? Anyway, couchfuck is off to the winter Olympics and he is going to get booed to hell and back. Let ‘em know how much he sucks, Italy. More: EW

Today’s clips
Close the cover on the CIA World Factbook: The spy agency announced Wednesday that after more than 60 years, it is shuttering the popular reference manual. More: NBC News

A hearing about oversight of the U.S. financial system devolved into insults several times Wednesday as Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent clashed with Democratic lawmakers over fiscal policy, the business dealings of the Trump family and other issues. More: HuffPost

Rep. Nancy Mace (R-S.C.) refuted claims that she drank alcohol and used marijuana “excessively” through a series of social media posts on Tuesday, saying she can’t drink too much due to a “genetic affliction” — only to be countered by one of her former staffers. More: HuffPost

The IOC showed no interest Wednesday in putting pressure on 2028 Los Angeles Olympics chair Casey Wasserman over personal emails released in the latest Jeffrey Epstein files. More: Associated Press

Democratic Sen. Elissa Slotkin of Michigan is refusing to voluntarily comply with a Justice Department investigation into a video she organized urging U.S. military members to resist “illegal orders” — escalating a dispute that President Donald Trump has publicly pushed. More: Associated Press