Nationalize this, buddy

It’s Tuesday. There are 273 days until the midterm elections. A reprieve in Springfield, a note to Texas Democrats and Epstein’s best friend wants us all to move on.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can say that Kid Rock sucks ass.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the effing hell are you today? Wait. Tell us in the comments section. They really give us life. Sam even sets up tea parties in his living room with dolls and action figures and one unused sex doll that was totally a gag gift from someone and he has them read out your comments so it’s like you’re all having tea together. It’s not sad or weird at all. We’re just kidding. About the tea party part. We actually fucking love the comments and we’re so fucking grateful when y’all tell us what’s on your minds.

But there’s one thing we really hate to see. And no it’s not dick pics from lonely Republicans. Though we do get way too many of those. What we really hate to see is Sexy Patriots who say there will be no elections this year. They see our daily countdown and they say Hey you gorgeous idiots, there’s no way Trump will allow free and fair elections ever again! And honestly, you can’t fault anyone for thinking that. After all, the sonofabitch is still getting away with his last violent coup attempt. And this thing he said yesterday is straight up fucked…

Well shit. Cat’s outta the bag. But it always was, y’all. We’ve always known this cheating motherfucker was gonna try and cheat because he’s a cheating motherfucker. Just ask any of his wives or kids or caddies. But just because we know he’s gonna cheat that don’t mean he’ll win or get away with it. This is our country. Don’t believe us? Ask the folks in Minnesota. Ask the folks who just won a special in Texas. Ask any Sexy Patriot. We don’t just roll over and give away our democracy. Well, a lot of us don’t.

So don’t give in to despair, you smoking hot freedom fighters. If Trump wants to end our democracy this November, we’re gonna make him fucking work for it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It’s been so fun watching the Trump scum turn on Lil’ Bitch Bovino. Over the weekend we found out that he is an actual nazi and then we found out that he ain’t so good with following orders. Enjoy your retirement, shitstain. More: NY Times, The Guardian, NBC

Note three: Elon Leon Musk, the guy who was begging to party on Epstein Island, had his offices in Paris raided this morning because of all the child porn stuff. We’re grateful to the French for taking child porn seriously. We wish Republicans did too. More: Mediaite

Note four: Speaking of Epstein creeps, one really gross dude was hired by Bari Weiss to be a CBS contributor. Instead of firing him like a normal person with a soul, Bari is fighting to keep him on. So CBS will be the pedophile news network. More: Mediaite, HuffPost

Note five: Yikes. New Trumpland Epstein talking point just landed. And it’s a doozy…

Note six: Trump literally got on the phone with the FBI agents who stole the Georgia ballots. Remember how long the press freaked out about Bill Clinton saying hi to Loretta Lynch? More: ABC

Note seven: Speaking of the Clintons, they have agreed to testify. We like this move. Mostly because we don’t want to see Hillary in jail. More: HuffPost

Note eight: This Savannah Guthrie story is horrifying. We have always liked Savannah, and we hope this comes to a better resolution than we’re all expecting. More: NBC

Note nine: We love us some Larry Krasner. We’re not sure why Shapiro and Fetterman want to fuck with him, but they might consider that Krasner is where the rest of us are on ICE. More: Inquirer

Note 10: We can’t believe we’re showing y’all this little shit, but he’s right. Imagine how the New York Times would be covering the Epstein -Bannon stuff if Bannon wasn’t such a good source for them.

Note 11: LOLOL!!! They finally announced the performers for the Turning Point Super Bowl halftime show, and we’re pretty sure they’re made up. Like we know Kid Rock is real, but there’s no way Brantley Gilbert is a real name. More: HuffPost

Note 12: We know the folks in Minnesota are still dealing with an invasion, but they really did beat Trump. Remember those troops in Alaska and North Carolina who were on standby? Well Trump blinked. More: NY Times

Note 13: So is the NRA just on vacation? Do they only show up for work after some innocent school children have been murdered?

Note 14: Trump is still fighting with Harvard. We’re shocked the two of them didn’t go to Epstein Island to work it out. More: NBC

Note 15: Just a reminder that the federal government is actually in a partial shutdown. That said, be ready to be disappointed in your own party again. More: NBC, AP News

Note 16: Thank you to the Maryland statehouse Democrats who passed new congressional maps yesterday. We will be watching the state Senate, and we will happily support primary challenges to any self-righteous shithead who wants Democrats to fight with one hand tied behind our backs. More: NBC

Note 17: LOLOL!!! Yes, Markwayne. Definitely shut down the Blue State airports. We fucking dare you.

Note 18: Republicans are down to a one-vote majority. And Trump attacked Thomas Massie’s wife yesterday. Fantastic. More: Mediaite

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, it ain’t that happy. But Don Lemon is out of the clink and on Jimmy Kimmel and we wanted to share. Fuck ‘em up, Don.

Note 20: And on that note of freedom, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Try not to let Trump’s election threats freak you out too much. After all, this is a man who craps himself. Love y’all!

Springfield’s sigh of relief

Springfield, Ohio has been on edge, waiting for federal stormtroopers to invade the city and begin an ethnic cleansing campaign of Haitians who are here legally with Temporary Protected Status (TPS). Dog-and-human-killer Kristi Noem had ended that protection, and the town was expecting an invasion when it became official this week. Mercifully, a federal judge yesterday blocked the administration from ending TPS for the Haitians. The bad news is this is probably a temporary reprieve. Trump will appeal, so the poor people of Springfield can only breathe easy for a moment.

More: NPR

Stop it

Ok we’ve had enough. Y’all know we stay out of Democratic primaries usually. That’s especially true in states like Texas, where we don’t live and don’t intimately know the politics. But we know enough to tell the state’s Democratic Senate candidates to knock it off. James Talarico, Colin Allred and Jasmine Crockett seem determined to destroy each other before the primary, greasing the path for a Trump scumbag to stay in that seat. As we learned from this weekend’s special election, Texas might actually be in play. But not if we fucking implode first. We’re not going to endorse in this primary, and we’re not going to call anyone out specifically. But we are going to say that the candidates and their campaigns damn well better remember the bigger picture here. We will remember those who don’t.

More: The Hill

Sorry, Cankles

The White House press are happy to let Trump lie to them about the Epstein files, and it is really fucking infuriating. He appears in the files more than 38,000 times, and the world’s most prestigious reporters just stand there and say jack shit while he says he’s not in them at all. But he keeps saying he wants to move on and that DOJ should just say they’re done. Gosh. Why would he want to move on? The survivors demand the truth. So do we. So no, we are not moving on.

More: The Guardian, 11th Hour

Today’s clips

The Pulitzer Prize Board is demanding a “complete and unredacted copy of the Mueller Report” as part of discovery as it fights President Donald Trump’s defamation lawsuit over its refusal to rescind prizes awarded to the Washington Post and New York Times for reporting on Russian interference in the 2016 election. More: Mediaite

President Donald Trump is set to host Colombian President Gustavo Petro at the White House on Tuesday in the first meeting between two leaders who have feuded on and off with each other over the past year. More: NBC

A year after Vietnam elevated its relations with Washington to the highest diplomatic level, an internal document shows its military was taking steps to prepare for a possible American “war of aggression” and considered the United States a “belligerent” power, according to a report released Tuesday. More: AP News

Russia carried out a major attack on Ukraine overnight in what President Volodymyr Zelenskyy said Tuesday was a breach of its commitment to hold off on attacks on energy infrastructure, a day before representatives of the two countries were due to attend U.S.-brokered talks on ending the 4-year-old all-out war. More: AP News

The Justice Department said Monday that it had withdrawn several thousand documents and “media” related to disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein after lawyers told a New York judge that the lives of nearly 100 victims had been “turned upside down” by sloppy redactions in the government’s latest release of records. More: AP News

Players for the Montreal Canadiens were reportedly told by management to carry their passports at all times while in Minnesota, where they played the Minnesota Wild on Monday night. More: Mediaite

Family members of Renee Good, the 37-year-old shot dead by an immigration officer in Minneapolis last month, are expected to appear for questioning Tuesday on Capitol Hill alongside others who have been impacted by the Trump administration’s brutal immigration policies. More: HuffPost