Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it has never been told to shut the fuck up by Pat Boone.
Note: Sexy Patriots! Holy freaking shitballs did we miss you this weekend! We have so much to talk about because Donald Trump is losing brain cells and his shit at warp(ed) speed. But before we get to the important stuff, we’re gonna ask you to indulge us while we take a moment of personal privilege. As most of you know, Sam is from Kentucky. And being a Kentuckian comes with a certain amount of shit these days. People no longer think of Muhammad Ali, Hunter S. Thompson or fried chicken. Now it’s all Mitch McConnell’s fugly corpse and Rand Paul getting beat up by senior citizens. But this weekend, Kentuckians had something big to celebrate, and they owe it all to Pete Hegsuck…
LOLOLOL!!! Thanks, Pete! Yes, the Trump curse apparently extends to roided out, shit-for-brains cabinet members who should be trying to figure out how to win the stupid war they started but instead spent the weekend losing a football game. What a goddamn dunce. But also, what a fucked up super power to have. The Trump people can literally turn anything to shit simply by showing up. That’s why we’re so happy when we see them out campaigning or on television. Wherever they go, they bring doom for the people they support. And we think that’s just peachy.
So stay on the road, Petey. Keep showing up at places where you’re not wanted, getting that loser stank all over everything. After all, it ain’t like you’re needed in the Situation Room or at the Pentagon. And it’s probably easier to cover up all those troop deaths from a football luxury box anyway. So on behalf of Kentucky football fans, thank you. And on behalf of the world, go fuck yourself. Y’all have a blessed day and Go Cats!
Note two: How about some Monday therapy? Sweet! Let’s do it at 2:30 p.m. ET/11:30 a.m. PT. We’ll see you then!
Note three: About those troop deaths… over the weekend, the Washington Post reported that there have been four more troops killed in Trump’s stupid war and the Pentagon is covering it up. Hegseth denied those accusations, but he’s a fucking liar so we don’t believe him. More: The Independent
Note four: Ok so Pat Boone didn’t technically use the words “shut the fuck up,” but he came close and we think that’s hilarious. More: Yahoo News
Note five: We want to wish our Jewish friends G’mar chatimah tova if they’re observing Yom Kippur. We also wanted to show y’all this cool video Abdul’s campaign put out. There are people who want us divided. Fuck them.
Note six: Republican senators are calling out Don Jr.’s Russian oligarch funded wedding, but Trump says it’s no big deal and that Junior paid the money back. HE DID?! WHEN? HOW MUCH? More: HuffPost
Note seven: President Fuckhead is in NYC this week for the U.N. He’s also planning to kiss Mamdani’s hot ass some more. Too funny. More: ABC7 NY
Note eight: Trump is throwing an actual state dinner for a communist country that has targeted our troops and, according to Trump, rigged the 2020 election. This sonofabitch sure has made China great again. More: AP
Note nine: You know how we were cheering state Attorneys General for fighting that Paramount merger? Well they’ve decided to cave. We sure hope none of them plan on running for office again because we are not gonna fucking forget this cowardice. And we see your fingerprints all over this, Gavin. More: Bloomberg
Note 10: It’s been pretty fun watching Mark Carney run out of fucks to give as he trolls Trump mercilessly…
Note 11: Instead of attempting a Lauren Boebert joke, we’re just gonna let y’all read the latest. Do these people ever work? More: People
Note 12: Trump wants his stupid arch to have snipers and drones. Before you worry, just remember that this dude is currently losing a war to the Reflecting Pool. More: HuffPost
Note 13: You know what day it is? Thanks to the amazing Nancy Armour for the reminder…
Note 14: Jake Paul and his brother were at the Pentagon for some reason. Do our troops need to learn how to get their jaws broken? Because Jake can actually help with that. More: Deadline, YouTube
Note 15: One of our favorite reporters, HuffPo’s Jen Bendery, took a trip to Alaska to see what’s going on with the Senate race there. It’s a great read! More: HuffPost
Note 16: Why do companies need to hire diverse staff? So they don’t do stupid shit like Converse did. What the fuck were they thinking? And why would anyone wear Converse after this? More: HuffPost
Note 17: This was the coolest thing we saw all weekend. Thank you to everyone in D.C. who rallied to protect the Kennedy Center. This is our America.
Note 18: Ukraine spent the weekend fucking up Russia’s shit, and Trump ain’t happy about it. Guess he bet on the wrong horse. More: CNN, NPR
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going back to the sports world to congratulate Lisa Leslie on becoming the first member of the L.A. Sparks to have a statue unveiled outside of the Staples Center (it will always be Staples to us). This is so cool. Check out the details. Lipstick while dunking. Hell yeah. Badass.
Note 20: And on that well-deserved note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend and didn’t fuck up anyone’s football team while losing a war. But we know you’d never do that. Love y’all!
Abolish ICE
ICE has shot someone again. This time it was a poor DoorDash driver named Wilber Rafael Garces Perez in Austin, Texas. He was literally making a delivery when they shot him. There were also weekend incidents in Illinois. And we found out that ICE has been detaining a Kentucky State University player for a month-and-a-half. ICE isn’t in the headlines anymore. But their reign of terror is ongoing and we need Democrats who will shut them down.
More: BBC, Courier-Journal, The Guardian
Neutered Watchdogs
It seems the White House press corps wasn’t kissing Trump’s ass enough. And they really tried. But Natalie showed Trump some clips and he lost his shit and he banned CNN, MSNow and Politico from the White House. So this morning, the press announced they will join together to boycott the television pool (which means Trump loses the cameras) and the news organizations are suing the White House. On Friday, Trump admitted he was banning the “free press.” This morning he said he wasn’t. The real bummer here is that none of us are rallying about the White House press because they have sucked at their jobs for years now. It’s hard to root for them to be able to kiss more orange ass.
More: NBC News
More War?
So Saudi Arabia is begging for help to fight the advancing Houthis and it sure looked like Trump was gonna help them. He returned from Camp David, the bombs were being loaded and then… Trump flip-flopped and went and played some golf. The Middle East is a mess, Americans can’t afford gas, diesel is about to disappear and dipshit went an played 18 fucking holes. It’s not funny but we can’t help but laugh that the Saudis thought this motherfucker was their friend. Oops.
More: Yahoo News
Today’s clips
Texas Democratic Senate candidate James Talarico jumped on a geographical typo by his Donald Trump-endorsed Republican rival, Ken Paxton. More: HuffPost
Rosie O’Donnell has revealed that ABC pushed back on her pitch for a segment featuring several survivors of sex offender Jeffrey Epstein’s abuse during her week as guest host of “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” More: HuffPost
President Donald Trump delivered another catastrophic warning to Iran this weekend, telling Fox News it’s only a matter of time until he’s ready to “blow the entire nation up.” More: HuffPost
Presley Gerber, the son of supermodel Cindy Crawford, died Sunday, a family representative said in a statement.
He was 27. More: NBC News
THE HAGUE, Netherlands (AP) — The Netherlands is preparing for the United States to impose sanctions on the International Criminal Court in the latest escalation of the Trump administration’s attacks on the global tribunal. More: AP
As Kamala Harris mulls whether to run for president again, she’s throwing herself into the midterms by campaigning with fellow Democrats, starting with a Tuesday trip to Michigan on behalf of Senate nominee Abdul El-Sayed. More: AP
I like Kamala. Voted for her. But she needs to find something else to do. We need new, more willing to right the ship sorts of people. New ideas. But no hate to her. She’s a good human.
Newsom is such a fucking sleaze. He just oozes it. He’s done some good things, but he’s also a corporate democrat and they really need to go.