More threats

It’s Monday. There are 57 days until the general election. Trump warns of a “bloody” second term, MVP drops her policy page and a post-debate battleground blitz.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So yeah, it’s the cool newsletter.

Note: Sexy Patriots, today we want to talk to you about a very important topic — ass sweat. Yes, other newsletters are too afraid to take on the big stuff, but here at TBS, we know you come to us for real talk. And this week’s real talk is we’re all gonna be nervous as hell which means lots of ass sweating which means we need to stay hydrated.

We realized the need for this PSA about PSA (Perspiration Saturated Asses) yesterday when we saw that the New York Times has Trump up one point over MVP and then we saw all the pundits deeply inhaling their own farts and talking about how MVP is in trouble because she hasn’t done enough interviews with the press. Between that and Tuesday night’s debate and the fact that Trump keeps warning us he wants to put us all in prison, our asses are sweating big time. It’s like we’re sitting in a really gross kiddie pool but it’s just our pants. If we could hook up an IV of Gatorade to our buttcheeks, we would.

However, there is a solution for excessive ass sweating — work. Yeah, it turns out that if you make phone calls and knock on doors and actively spread the word about Kamala Harris, then your ass is too busy to sweat and you don’t have to worry about butt dehydration. Now is any of this real science? Of course not. But we’re not telling you to inject bleach or take livestock medication, so what’s the harm?

So let’s get to work to keep our country democratic, our people safe and our asses dry. Y’all and your asses please have a blessed day.

Note two: Sweaty asses aside, at least we all had a better weekend than this idiot…

Note three: Btw, if that NYT poll did you leave your booty dehydrated, a new poll from ABC/Ipsos out this morning shows Harris leading 50-46 among all adults and 52-46 among likely voters. But we should probably believe the NYT poll instead just to keep us motivated. More: ABC

Note four: We learned this morning that the Country Music Awards snubbed Beyonce. What a bunch of assholes. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note five: It was another totally normal weekend in America as a man out on bail for terroristic threatening went out and bought an AR-15 and 2,000 rounds and started shooting at cars on I-75 in Kentucky. Oh and he got away. More: CNN

Note six: Vice President Harris dropped a brutal new ad on Trump’s head this morning. Share it far and wide!

Note seven: Melania Trump put out one of those dumb silent tweets where she said that the 2020 election led America to doom. But she’s seriously one of the dumbest, grossest people on the planet so who gives a shit? More: Independent

Note eight: Jagged Dicknipples (JD) Vance went swimming with a shirt on this weekend. We’re not going to make fun of that. We live in an image-obsessed world, and our heart goes out to anyone who worries about that kind of thing. You’re all beautiful. Except Vance. We figure he’s just covering up a swastika tattoo or actual Jagged Dicknipples. More: TMZ

Note nine: After Dick Cheney endorsed MVP, many eyes turned to George W. Bush. Ours didn’t because we already knew he’s a coward and a dumbass. More: NBC

Note 10: Uh-oh. Remember Matt Gaetz? Yeah, we’d kinda forgotten too. It was awesome. Anyway, he might still be in deep shit. More: NOTUS

Note 11: Yikes. We’d say Nikki Haley sold her soul, but we can’t imagine there was enough to sell. Get bent, Nikki.

Note 12: It’s fucking terrifying watching what Ron DeSantis is doing in Florida. Sending “election police” to people’s homes is just so fucked up. More: Yahoo

Note 13: We’re still waiting to see if Republicans are going to shut down the government because Trump told them to. What a cool way to run a country. More: NBC

Note 14: Thank you to the generals who have MVP’s back on this Afghanistan bullshit. You know what Biden and Harris didn’t do? Free 5,000 Taliban fighters and then invite them to Camp David. More: Axios

Note 15: How the hell are these creeps so racist and awful that they actually made us defend the Dallas Cowboys?!

Note 16: Speaking of racism and the NFL, the Miami Dolphins Tyreek Hill was cuffed and put on the ground for a traffic violation on the way to his game yesterday. One of the cops was put on leave while there’s an investigation. Hill put it best when he asked after the game, “What if I wasn’t Tyreek Hill?” Remember when a certain QB took a knee to protest this kind of bullshit? More: ESPN

Note 17: Local Republicans are freaking out that Trump hasn’t built any ground game. Probably because he spent all the money on lawyers. Oh well, sucks for them. More: Guardian

Note 18: RIP to Herbie Flowers, the bassist who gave us that killer lick from “Walk on the Wild Side.” More: Rolling Stone

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you Vice President Harris’s response when asked if she’s ready for the debate…

Note 20: And on that inspirational note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend and have some dry pants handy. It’s gonna be an intense week. We’ve got this. Love y’all!

More threats

Trump spent the weekend threatening the American people with a “bloody” second term and mass arrests. The major newspapers didn’t seem to care. We wish we were kidding. Yeah, he says his mass deportations will be a “bloody story.” Sounds pretty fucking awful. He also threatened mass arrests and imprisonment for any American who cheats in the election. And since none of us actually cheat, we assume he means he’s going to lock us up just for being normal people who hate him. This is some scary shit, y’all. The press might not take him seriously, but we should.

More: Independent, Axios

They happy now?

The news media were very busy this morning, sharing with voters all the important details just released on VP Harris’s campaign policy page. We’re just kidding. They don’t actually give a shit about policy. They just needed something to attack Harris with while Trump was running around threatening to burn down the country. But if you’re interested, the VP’s policy page went live on her campaign website last night. The best part? She compares her policy proposals to Trump’s Project 2025.

More: KamalaHarris.com

Let’s go!!!

We don’t know how tomorrow night is gonna go, but we do know where Harris and Walz are going after it’s over. We’re talking a battleground blitz, baby! On Wednesday, MVP will stay in Pennsylvania, where she’ll attend a 9/11 memorial in Shanksville and then head to the Pentagon for a wreath-laying. On Thursday, she’s hitting North Carolina, on Friday she’s back in Pennsylvania and then on Saturday she’s in Arizona. Let’s fucking go!!!

More: Reuters

Today’s clips

Jury selection was scheduled to begin Monday in the federal trial of three former Memphis officers charged with violating the civil rights of Tyre Nichols, the 29-year-old man whose fatal beating was caught on police cameras while also triggering protests and calls for police reform. More: NBC

A federal trial is set to begin Monday over claims that supporters of former President Donald Trump threatened and harassed a Biden-Harris campaign bus in Texas four years ago, disrupting the campaign on the last day of early voting. More: AP

An out-of-control wildfire in the foothills of a national forest east of Los Angeles threatened ten of thousands of buildings and forced hundreds of residents to flee Sunday amid a days-long heat wave of triple-digit temperatures. More: HuffPost