‘Morally exhilarating’
It’s Tuesday. There are 308 days until the midterm elections. The Kennedy-Cankles Center crash out, Trump bombed Venezuela and the Russians are invited back.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t fuck up the Kennedy Center.
Note: Que pasa, Sexy Patriots! How the heck are ya? Furious, fed up and fucking gorgeous? Yeah, we know. And it’s those first two we need to talk to y’all about. We are currently in the middle of what’s known as Taint Week. It also goes by Gooch Week, Perineum Days and Ted Cruz Smooth Crotch Time. Ok nobody calls it that last thing. But basically it’s the few days between holidays and before the new year starts. It ‘taint one and it ‘taint the other. Get it?
So what’s our Taint Week message? Well this might be crazy, but we suggest you put this newsletter down. And not just our sexy asses. Put it all down. Give your brain a break. Take a big deep damn breath, hit the snooze button and try to rest up as best you can before 2026 starts showing us just how uniquely fucked up it can be.
Trump has dominated everything for the last goddamn decade, and last year was no different. But guess what — He was an asshole yesterday, he was an asshole today and he’ll be an asshole tomorrow. That story never changes. The only thing that changes is we learn almost daily that the scummiest piece of shit in history is capable of becoming even scummier. We all know the actual big news we’re all waiting on (what the fuck is taking so long, McDonald’s?!), and you can bet your hot ass that we’ll be sending an all-caps subject line when that day comes. But until then, we promise it’s cool if you want to take a day off and recharge the old batteries.
Or just totally phone it in like we are this week and like Trump has his whole miserable fucking life. If you have to work this week, you damn sure shouldn’t work hard. This is all to say that we love you very much, and we know how emotionally torturous this relentless nightmare can be. So please be good to yourself and make sure to take lots of breaks. You deserve it. Your president is a fucking idiot. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Anyone need some therapy? Yeah, us too. How about 3 p.m. ET/12 p.m. PT? Great! We’ll see you then!
Note three: Hey can someone tell us what the fuck this deranged asshole is talking about? Because he ain’t getting inaugurated again.
Note four: According to Aaron, Trump is golfing today. Remember when Republicans spent the year telling us that able-bodied adults should be at the office? We suppose able-bodied probably doesn’t apply to Trump.
Note five: America is getting walloped by a winter storm (and a bunch of stupid shitheads). Please be safe out there! More: NBC
Note six: There’s an election today! Iowa, we need you! Come through! More: AP News
Note seven: Israel is now going to war with Doctors Without Borders. It’s about time those bastards got what was coming to them. But seriously what the fuck are we doing here?! More: NBC
Note eight: Oh right. We have a president who says Bibi can commit all the genocide he wants. What happened to all those people who were yelling at Kamala about this? Did Genocide Joe just have a nice ring to it?
Note nine: How racist is America? Trump removed plaques honoring Black WWII soldiers, and it was barely a fucking story. If you read this, your blood will boil. More: AP News
Note 10: Zohran Mamdani is getting sworn-in Thursday. He’s a nice reminder that we can still do big things and every election doesn’t have to be a soul-crushing lesson in cosmic injustice. More: HuffPost
Note 11: We like to think that truth is Trump’s top adversary. But the reality is that it’s stairs. Motherfucker is REALLY afraid of stairs.
Note 12: “Peace hopes dented.” Putin lied yesterday and said that Ukraine tried to bomb one of his houses. Both the president of the United States and the mainstream media chose to believe the mass murderer and pretend that he actually wanted peace before this happened. STOP BEING SO FUCKING GULLIBLE!!! More: HuffPost
Note 13: Bill Maher is still making excuses for kissing Trump’s ass. Bill Maher can eat shit. More: HuffPost
Note 14: Healthcare subsidies expire tomorrow fucking over millions of Americans. But don’t worry…
Note 15: Norman Rockwell was antifa. Fuck yeah. More: Mediaite
Note 16: We can’t vouch for the legitimacy of this website, but we do know this was a real interview and it was really hilarious. Deuce Bigalow thinks politics is the only reason he doesn’t get Mark Ruffalo’s jobs. LOLOLOL!!! Sure, Deucey. More: We Got This Covered
Note 17: Remember when Cheryl Hines tried to play coy so we wouldn’t know she has the same fucked up ideas as her scumbag worm-brained hubby? Guess she’s over that.
Note 18: It’s almost 2026, the year when we find out if we still have free and fair elections in this country. The suspense is killing us. More: AP News
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to wish a very and belated happy birthday to Flossie, the world’s oldest cat. And here we thought Lindsey Graham was the world’s oldest pussy.
Note 20: And on that adorable note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your taint week is going smoothly. And if it ain’t, feel free to turn this shit off and watch some cartoons. Your brain will thank you. Love y’all!
A Kennedy Center revolt
Yesterday we told you about jazz musician Chuck Redd and how he’s being sued by Trumpkins because he refused to perform at the Trump-Kennedy Center under its gross new name. Well Mr. Redd was not alone. Lots and lots of artists are canceling, and Ricky Grennell, the Trump hemorrhoid running the shop, is lashing out big time. He really thinks he can force artists to kiss as much orange ass as he does. Pathetic. But this story did give us the greatest line we’ve come across in a while. The Doug Varone Dancers canceled two shows at the Cankles Center. Varone told the New York Times that the move was “financially devastating but morally exhilarating.” Goddamn that’s perfect. Oh and the Trump-hosted Kennedy Center honors were some of the lowest rated ever.
More: Yahoo, Independent, CBS19
New Iraq. Who dis?
Our dumbshit president moved us closer to war this week, letting the CIA bomb a port in Venezuela and then blabbing to the whole world about it like a total dumbshit. It’s still very unclear what happened, but it does appear the Trump-Hegseth bloodlust is spreading beyond the murdering fishermen arena. Just remember that this was never about drugs. If it was, Trump probably wouldn’t keep pardoning drug dealers. No, this is a war for oil. Another goddamn war for oil. Fuck.
More: AP News
Russia, if you’re listening
Trump really doesn’t want more people with Black or brown skin coming to America. But if you’re a Russian spy, come on in. Yeah, the Bulwark is reporting that the Trump administration has welcomed back the founders of Tenet Media just one year after they were busted giving Russian cash to right-wingers like Benny Johnson and Tim Pool. Gosh, why would the president of the United States go out of his way to invite some Russian propagandists back to this country? It sure is a fucking mystery.
Today’s clips
One of Florida’s largest school districts cut ties in 2022 with James Fishback, now a Republican candidate for governor, following allegations that he had an inappropriate relationship with a student who was a minor at the time, according to interviews and records reviewed by NBC News. More: NBC
The Trump transition team was informed about the DOJ’s bribery investigation into Tom Homan, the former acting director of ICE whom Donald Trump tapped as his border czar shortly after he prevailed in the 2024 presidential election, a few days before Trump took the oath of office in January. More: Mediaite
China fired rockets, massed assault ships and flew bombers around Taiwan on Tuesday, simulating a military blockade in an apparent warning to the United States against supporting the Beijing-claimed island. More: NBC
Leaders from Europe and Canada held talks Tuesday on U.S.-led peace efforts to end the nearly four-year war between Russia and Ukraine, as Moscow and Kyiv sparred over Russian claims, denied by Ukraine, of a mass drone attack on a lakeside residence used by President Vladimir Putin. More: AP News
Are we supposed to be upset that supposedly Ukraine tried to attack Putin? Only in bizzaro Trumpland is that troubling lol!
Great newsletter today!