Missouri Madness

It’s Wednesday. There are 55 days until the midterm elections. Oil hits $100 a barrel, the president of the United States LIES about Sept. 11 and some crazy crap is going down in Missouri.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it has never cussed out Kaitlan Collins.

Note: Well holy shit, Sexy Patriots. Things sure are coming unglued fast here in America. We know we’re in the silly season, but we didn’t expect shit to get this silly so quickly. Yesterday, before the president of the United States LIED about where he was and what he did on Sept. 11, his daughter posted the most what-the-effing-fuck video we’ve seen in a while. And, well, you just have to see it for yourself…

So she can’t afford to fill up her car either, huh? You can tell she’s really feeling the pain of the American consumer and riding a stallion on a beach in solidarity with the rest of us. We couldn’t get past just how tone deaf and out-of-touch this shit was so we reached out for an interview. Here now is our chat with Ivanka’s horse…

Us: Hello there, you beautiful creature.
Ivanka’s Horse: You can call me Jeffrey. Jeffrey Epstein.
Us: Ivanka named her horse Jeffrey Epstein?!
Jeffrey Epstein the Horse: Yeah, it’s pretty fucked up, right? The other horses won’t come near me.
Us: Yes, that is fucked up. Speaking of which, what’s up with the beach video?
JE: Ugh. I told her not to do that shit. I said it was like saying “let them eat cake” and then she was all like “ooh I want some cake for my horseback ride” and so we had to go get her some fucking cake.
Us: Yikes. Well we’re sorry you got dragged into it. For what it’s worth, you looked majestic.
JE: Thanks but the truth is she only keeps me around because I look like Jared and she likes to eat my poop. She’s a total weirdo like her asshole dad.
Us: That’s a rough deal. Hang in there, Jeffrey Epstein the Horse.

Even for us, that was a pretty strange fake interview. Still, we’re so glad that Ivanka is living such a luxurious life while her daddy destroys everything and the rest of us struggle to get by. On second thought, she can go fuck herself. And we hope that thing about her eating horseshit is true. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Anyone need some therapy? Yeah, us too. How about today at 3 p.m. ET/noon PT? Great! We’ll see you then.

Note three: Trump’s idiotic convention kicks off tonight. For some reason the Attorney General will be there. We don’t think anyone else will be. And we want to offer a reminder that the NFL season also kicks off tonight. More: NPR

Note four: Trump is starting to spend big to try and save some Senate races. His dirty money can’t save him now. More: New York Times

Note five: Anyone else been shocked and horrified by how comfortable some people are showing off their anti-Muslim hate? It’s extremely fucked up and we reject it outright.

Note six: We fucked up yesterday. We (Sam) saw that Lindsay Clancy’s attorney asked Trump for a pardon and made a crack about it. We were then told we hate women despite the years we’ve spent busting our asses to fight for what’s right. It was not a fun day. Still, we obviously don’t want to hurt any Sexy Patriots, so we’re sorry we made light of a tragic situation.

Note seven: Trump gave Natalie Harp and two other aides $45,000 cash bonuses. Must be nice. The rest of us just got $4 gas and a shit-ton of embarrassment. More: Washington Post

Note eight: Speaking of Natalie, remember when Republicans were all sad and outraged that anyone would criticize a woman working in the White House? Well those same people aren’t saying dick about Trump’s attacks on Kaitlan Collins and Maggie Haberman. It’s almost like they’re full of shit. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Do you hate John Fetterman? Well you are not alone. You are definitely not alone. More: AP

Note 10: It’s not the most important thing happening in this clip, but what the hell is going on with Ted Cruz’s hair? He looks like an actual skunk. Smells like one too.

Note 11: Congrats to Rep. Chris Pappas on winning his primary in New Hampshire last night. We really need this seat, so let’s all get behind our guy. More: HuffPost

Note 12: We couldn’t stay awake for it, but congrats to Ben Shelton on beating Carlos Alcaraz at the U.S. Open last night. We’re sorry we missed it. More: HuffPost

Note 13: While the bigots are coming for Mamdani, he’s releasing some facts about how NYC officials like Doodie Giuliani covered up the poisonous air around Ground Zero. Thank you, Mr. Mayor, for telling us all the truth…

Note 14: Since the federal government is a broken disaster, we’re sharing this page from HuffPo about when you should get the new covid shot. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We had just hit publish when we saw this grotesque story about Sen. Roger Marshall yesterday. Man, Republicans are monsters. More: The Independent

Note 16: Congrats, everyone. It looks like there’s one swing district we don’t have to worry about anymore. More: Cornell Sun

Note 17: The guys at South Park really seem to be enjoying fucking with Trump. We get it. It keeps us going too.

Note 18: Ugh. Trump ran off Lonnie Bunch, the head of the Smithsonian Institute. This is a huge loss for the whole damn country. It’s another win for racist scum who want to rewrite history though. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to something out of character and wish good luck to a Washington media organization. NOTUS has rebranded as The Washington Sun, and we’re hoping they do great work and succeed and don’t get bought by scumbag shit-eating billionaires who wreck them.

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. If not, maybe take your horse for a ride on the beach like a total fucking asshole. Love y’all!

Thanks, Trump

You know that stupid and illegal war that we’ve won over and over again? Well we might not have won it after all. Brent crude oil is back up to $100 a barrel today as the world continues to see with its own eyes that Donald Trump is full of shit and the U.S. does not actually control the Strait of Hormuz. Diesel and gasoline were already at record Labor Day highs, and the latest developments won’t help. But also, our soldiers are being hurt and killed, our bases and our credibility have been destroyed and the Trump administration is trying like hell to keep the American people from learning the truth about any of it. But sure, let’s talk some more about a twitch streamer.

More: NBC News

Lying Like a Rug

In fact, Donald Trump lies like HIS rug. By now, you’ve probably seen the clips of Donald Trump at a 9/11 ceremony yesterday. You’ve seen him lying about two firefighters saving him from a collapsing building. You probably haven’t seen his very lengthy screed on Truth Social attacking all of us who were appalled by his egregious lying yesterday, and that’s for the best. Sadly, the mainstream media continue to pussyfoot around the president’s lies with weak headlines that downplay just how disgusting his bullshit really is. Thank you to New York Magazine for writing a headline that was the actual truth and pissing off Trump in the process.

More: New York Magazine

Missouri Madness

The Show-Me State is showing us some fucked up chaos. Yesterday, Butt Kavanaugh said that the Supreme Court would not hear GOP efforts to overrule the state Supreme Court, which recently ordered the state to use older maps with two Democratic districts for this year’s elections. This was a big win. And then almost immediately after that happened, a federal Trump judge on a lower court ordered the state to use the new, racist maps that give Democrats only one seat. What happens next is pretty confusing. But the state Supreme Court has demanded the state AG appear in person today to explain why they shouldn’t hold him in contempt. It’s all pretty fucked up and confusing, but we’re hopeful that this is gonna go our way.

More: The Guardian, Missouri Independent

Today’s clips

A researcher for Anthropic resigned from the company on Tuesday, warning that “the people building AI earnestly believe that it could kill us all by the end of the decade.” More: HuffPost

Donald Trump adviser Peter Navarro said Tuesday he broke Maria Bartiromo’s trust out of “duty” after forwarding her screenshot of a Fox Business edict to not dwell on a new claim of 2020 election fraud by the president in July. More: HuffPost

MINAB, Iran (AP) — The sun set over this southern Iranian city, and Heydar Sadeghi was where he can be found almost every evening: on a bench next to the shattered remains of his grandson’s school. His face was soaked with tears. More: AP

TORONTO (AP) — The United States is banning the import of some dairy products and motorcycles from Canada along with most alcoholic beverages, the White House said Tuesday, as part of a trade war that shows little sign of cooling off. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — As the High Holy Days approach, rabbis in the United States say their congregations are deeply unsettled by antisemitic threats and aware of sharp divisions in their own communities. But many are also determined to embrace the coming days of celebration and reflection. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — A member of the Georgia National Guard deployed in Washington, D.C., as part of President Donald Trump’s task force to fight crime has been arrested for pulling a gun on a fellow Guard member in an alleged dispute over regulation haircuts. More: AP

A man accused of knocking an elderly couple to the ground in an attempt to confront Ohio gubernatorial candidate Amy Acton on Sunday has pleaded not guilty to charges stemming from the incident. More: NBC News