Mission Accompl-ish

It’s Tuesday. There are 238 days until the midterm elections. Trump tries to steal Arizona again, JD loses to Liddle and the war is just starting/already ending.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can tell Pete Hegseth to eat shit and then be shocked when he enthusiastically does so.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And welcome to another day in the shitter. We’re so glad you’ve joined us (at the newsletter; not in the shitter). Alas, we only have small nuggets of good news to help you stay hopeful. With all the killing of people and the economy, it can be hard to find something cheerful. But don’t worry. We got you. Because today Melania is available to not rent at home…

LOLOL!!!! It’s available to rent already?! They didn’t want to do another run in theaters? But why? Oh right. Because it was 10 pounds of hog shit in a five pound bag and it was only made as a bribe to an idiot dictator and his gross participation trophy wife. We can’t wait to not watch the shit out of it tonight. We were gonna say we were washing our hair, but that seemed too nice. So here are a few things you can say you’re doing in case someone invites you over to watch “Trashy Dumbshit First Lady” or whatever it’s called…

• “Thanks, but I’m going to stare at the moon to see if it’s like staring at the sun.”

• “I would, but I’ve invited a couple dozen strangers to come stab me in my eyes and ears and genitals with unsharpened pencils.”

• “Dang it. I already made plans to fuck an electric fence tonight.”

• “Fuck you. Why the hell would you ask me that? I thought we were friends. Don’t call me again. You’re dead to me.”

What did we miss? And for the record, we came up with a doozy of a “Rent Melania” joke, but we didn’t use it because we’re classy as fuck and frankly we have a lot more respect for sex workers than we do Melania Trump. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The president of the United States murdered 168 schoolgirls and he is lying to the world about it. He’s really just a stupid Putin. More: HuffPost

Note three: Even a Republican senator is admitting what happened. How long can Trump lie about it? Pete Hegseth’s bullshit Pentagon press corps didn’t even ask about it this morning. More: HuffPost

Note four: It’s Tuesday, so that means people are voting. If they’re voting near you, you should join them and vote for good people instead of assholes and scumbags. More: Bolts Mag

Note five: Was there ever a time when Republicans thought for themselves instead of doing whatever a gameshow host told them to?

Note six: We wanted to share this other story from our friends at Bolts Mag about the Wisconsin Supreme Court. Y’all have done a good job of winning that thing, but we can run up the score. More: Bolts Mag

Note seven: This morning, Randy Fine was on Newsmax saying Mayor Mamdani should be deported. Yesterday Andy Ogles said Muslims should be removed from America. This outright bigotry was largely ignored by the mainstream media. So we wanted to be sure to tell Randy and Andy to fuck off, fuck themselves and fuck each other. More: NBC News

Note eight: Trump has done the impossible — he has unified Americans. Yeah, we’re all super pissed off gas prices are skyrocketing. More: Associated Press

Note nine: We know very little about Kai Trump. But we know she sucks and we hate her. More: HuffPost

Note 10: It should have been clear just how fucked we are when things got so stupid that even Rand Paul was making sense…

Note 11: Thank you to Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson for issuing a smackdown to Brett Kavanaugh right to his little rat face. More: Associated Press

Note 12: We finally watched the movie Nuremberg, and it could have been really good if it weren’t for whatever that Rami Malek shit was. The new Dinosaurs documentary on Netflix is amazing. And The Rise and Fall of Reggie Dinkins is hilarious. This has been your pop culture break from the shitshow.

Note 13: Want to get totally skeeved the eff out by the president of the United States who is also a credibly accused child rapist? Then watch this.

Note 14: If you want to win the 2028 Democratic nomination, then you better be ready to go to war with the billionaires. They are an existential threat to this nation, and it’s about goddamn time they were treated like it. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Loudmouth assclown Stephen A. Smith admitted to his buddy Sean Hannity yesterday that he’s probably not going to run for president because he would have to give up his money. We don’t know what that means, but fuck him and fuck his friend Sean. More: The Independent

Note 16: LOL. This congressman from California just announced he’s leaving the GOP and becoming an indie. It’s clearly a scam to try and save his ass in a newly drawn district. He even said he’s going to keep caucusing with Republicans. Nice try, asshole. More: The Associated Press

Note 17: RIP to Reggie Jackson and the last of Alina Habba’s dignity…

Note 18: We’re not gonna link to it, but we’d like to invite the New York Times to eat shit over its constant garbage coverage of Mayor Mamdani, especially over this IED stuff. We get it. The rich white people don’t like the Muslim mayor. Too fucking bad. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, here’s a video of a pig warming itself by the fire. We were gonna make a Fetterman joke, but this pig is just too damn cute and doesn’t get off on murdering civilians.

Note 20: And on that note of warmth, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a great start. If it is and you want to keep it that way, you probably shouldn’t watch the Melania movie. Can you fucking imagine? Love y’all!

What year is it?
Apparently a Republican state senator in Arizona has happily helped the FBI help itself to Arizona’s 2020 election records. Yeah, they’re doing the same shit there they did in Fulton County, Georgia. We have to admit we are damn curious to see what the plan is here. Are they just going to pretend like all those lawsuits and recounts didn’t happen? Well of course they are. There’s no way Trump is going to let us win this year. So we’ll just have to beat his ass so bad (metaphorically) that he can’t cheat. More: The Guardian

Back to the sofa
We almost made this the Happy Ending because it’s so fucking funny. Trump has started polling everyone around him to see if he should endorse JD Vance or Liddle Marco Rubio for the next Republican nomination. And Liddle is winning in a landslide. Goddamn that’s funny. JD sold his soul and sold out his family, and he’s still gonna get the Pence treatment. Ok that’s the funny part. The scary part is that Rubio could be president someday. More: The Wall Street Journal, Mediaite

War! What war?
According to drunken jihadist Pete Hegseth, today will be the “most intense” day of strikes against Iran yet. The attacks are ramping up even as Trump and his party keep telling us that this war will not last much longer. Yesterday Trump called up a reporter and said the war is almost over. His SecDef said it’s just starting. Those two should probably talk to each other. But it’s pretty obvious they have no idea what they’re doing beyond using the most technologically advanced military in history to kill lots and lots of people. We don’t know why this war started, and we don’t know what the goal is. But other than that it’s going great.

Today’s clips
DORAL, Fla. (AP) — President Donald Trump said his vice president, JD Vance, was “philosophically a little bit different than me” at the outset of the war in Iran even as he dismissed the notion of a disagreement between the two. More: Associated Press

PORTLAND, Ore. — A federal judge in Oregon on Monday restricted federal officers from using tear gas at protests at the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement building in Portland, in response to a lawsuit filed by the ACLU of Oregon on behalf of protesters and freelance journalists. More: NBC News

Voters are worried about AI and don’t trust either political party to handle the rapidly evolving technology, according to a new national NBC News survey. More: NBC News

Axios reported Tuesday that the United States turned down a deal last year for technology from Ukraine designed to down Iranian drones.

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy presented an offer for the technology during a meeting with President Donald Trump on August 18, Axios reports. More: HuffPost

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