Minnesota, Nice!

It’s Wednesday. There are 83 days until the midterm elections. Couch Boy asks Zelensky for a favor, an upset in Wisconsin and Trump tortures the Navy.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it has never used electric gloves to shock anyone like some kind of goddamn psycho.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We did it! We (mostly) made it through primary season! And we’re all still here and only kinda hate each other! Hooray! These last few months have been bruising, but we did it and we really, really like our candidates. Especially Peggy Flanagan. We obviously stay out of primaries, but it was tough in this one because one of the candidates voted to fund ICE. Still, we were good boys and let Minnesotans sort it out. And you know what else they sorted out? That Donald Trump and his fucked up friends are losers with a capital L…

LOLOLOL!!!!!!! Everyone pretend to be shocked that the MyPillow nutjob got trounced and then refused to concede. Remember when we found out his dumbfuck ass wasn’t even registered to vote in Minnesota? God this is so fucking funny. Because not only is Lindell a giant goddamn loser, but so is the orange catering cart cuck who endorsed him over and over again. Donald Trump is officially a limp dick lame duck.

It seems to us that there are basically two paths that people in politics who used to smoke crack can go. You can be a Hunter Biden or you can be a MyPillow shit-for-brains. It’s better to be a Hunter. Or just avoid crack and politics altogether. Your choice. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: You’re not gonna believe this, but Trump still hasn’t beat inflation. It’s almost like all those day naps aren’t working. More: HuffPost

Note three: We’re gonna talk more about this race in a second, but we do want to thank Rep. Angie Craig for her service and for conceding so graciously last night. Thank goodness the MyPillow madness is all on the other side.

Note four: Lindsey Graham’s sister advanced to a run-off, and she will debate Ralph Norman next week. Loser couldn’t even get a majority. The Palmetto State might not be the Pal-Nepo state, right? We’ll be here all week, folks. More: NBC News

Note five: We were gonna save this for the Happy Ending, but fuck it. LET’S MAKE THIS FUCKING BADASS A UNITED STATES SENATOR!!!

Note six: We also have a governor’s race to win in Minnesota as Amy Klobuchar is our gubernatorial candidate. This one seems like a no-brainer, right? More: MPR News

Note seven: Jack Reacher is back. And we were excited about this before we even saw Alan Ritchson go off on Trump. More: Forbes

Note eight: The white kids who were last seen with Nolan Wells went on a right-wing sellout’s podcast to proclaim their innocence and trash Nolan’s mom. That’s pretty fucked up. Like really fucked up. More: Yahoo News

Note nine: The Trump White House is now against women dancing. Only the commander-in-chief and his double-jerk-off moves are allowed to dance. More: HuffPost

Note 10: It took way too fucking long, but the press corps seem actually pretty pissed off about being used a decoys for Iranian missiles. Look how seriously the New York Times is taking it!

Note 11: We want to wish the best to Rep. John Larson, who lost his primary last night. We hate to see older liberal badasses like this lose. But we also understand the party wanting to get younger. More: HuffPost

Note 12: President Obama made fun of Trump’s golden Oval Office. We love this shit so much. More: HuffPost

Note 13: This is what’s happening in America while the mainstream media worries about DSA candidates. We never saw Hasan Piker do some fucked up shit like this…

Note 14: Oh and those sick fucks are giving their officers gloves that can shock people. This had to be Stephen Miller’s idea, right? More: NBC News

Note 15: We don’t know shit about British politics, but we are rooting for someone named Count Binface to beat Nigel Farage. More: NBC News

Note 16: The weather in America has been pretty damn scary. If you’re battling tornadoes or floods, we’re sending love. And that’s more than the president of the United States is sending. More: AP

Note 17: Trump wants us to see this shit and be scared. But keep in mind that this is the same dude who just ate shit in Minnesota and got his ass kicked by the Reflecting Pool.

Note 18: Despite being embarrassed in front of the whole world, Trump is still pushing DOJ to go after Davey Hearn. This dude is gonna sue the United States for soooooooo much money. More: The Guardian

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Texas. Our favorite people in the world right now are Red State Democrats who troll the living shit out of their scumbag politicians. Let’s hope these next few months are the worst of Ken Paxton’s miserable goddamn life…

Note 20: And on that really funny note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And if not, just remember that you’re having a better week than that MyPillow asshole. LOL. Love y’all!

Did He Even Say Thank You?

So Zelensky and Ukraine have been giving Russia hell, and we’re loving every second of it. But Ukraine’s payback for the Russkies is putting an additional squeeze on the oil market that Trump fucked up when he attacked Iran. So Vice President Couch Fuck asked Zelensky for a favor and begged him to cool it with the attacks on Russia’s tankers in the Black Sea. We sure hope JD was wearing a suit when he asked. God this is so rich. Remember how arrogant these fuckers were when they were attacking Zelensky in the Oval? Let’s hope he tells JD the same thing those Snake Island folks told the Russian warship at the beginning of this cruel war.

More: Yahoo

Ignore the Polls

Congratulations to Democrat David Crowley on becoming Wisconsin’s Democratic gubernatorial nominee. Going into the race, we all thought Francesca Hong was gonna win this thing in a landslide and then spend the next few months explaining to shitty reporters that she doesn’t actually hate Thanksgiving. Instead, Crowley shocked the pollsters by narrowly pulling off the win. We’re seeing lots of hot takes and big conclusions about what this all means. But it was a super close race, so maybe it doesn’t mean shit. Especially when you remember that neither Bernie nor AOC were supporting Hong. Anyway, congrats to Fran Hong on raising some important issues. Now let’s get David Crowley elected governor.

More: WBAY

Remember the Lincoln

While Donald Trump plays golfs and says “we’ll see what happens” with the stupid goddamn war he started, our sailors are paying the price. Conditions are so bad on the USS Lincoln, that our sailors have been trying to jump overboard. Their families are begging for help. And Pete Hegseth and Donald Trump don’t give a shit. The deployment was supposed to end in May, but instead they’ve been at sea for eight months. This should be a bigger story than it is. We’re sending love to the Lincoln. Because unlike Republicans, we actually support the troops.

More: Military Times

Today’s clips

Ukrainian anti-ship missiles, jet-powered aerial drones and sea drones blitzed a major Russian naval base on the Black Sea coast in a “unique” nighttime operation, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy said Wednesday. More: NBC News

WEST KELOWNA, British Columbia — A deadly wildfire in western Canada that has forced some 20,000 people to flee, grew overnight even without strong winds, challenging efforts to contain it and fully assess the damage, authorities said Tuesday. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — A judge ordered the Kennedy Center to pay $250,000 in legal fees to musician Chuck Redd, whom the arts center sued for canceling a Christmas Eve concert after President Donald Trump’s name was added to the building’s facade. More: NBC News

PEREIRA, Colombia (AP) — The search for survivors in the rubble of Colombia’spowerful earthquake grew more desperate on Wednesday, two days after the quake brought down buildings, buckled roads and crushed cars. More: AP

Doctors say President Donald Trump’s new executive order on vaccines is misguided and likely to stoke fear and confusion among parents at a time when measles is raging, immunization rates are falling and children are heading back to school. More: AP

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) — Sorry, North America. After winning the cosmic lottery with a pair of coast-to-coast total solar eclipses, now it’s Europe’s turn. More: AP