Merry Ep-smas

Happy Friday. There are 319 days until the midterm elections. Erika backs couch boy, a slimy shell game with the troops and today’s E-Day.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it’s not trying to name the goddamn Kennedy Center after itself.

Note: Where does the time go, Sexy Patriots? It seems like just yesterday that a drugged out South African white supremacist was taking a chainsaw to the federal government, bragging about destroying USAID while some asshole named Big Balls went through our Social Security data. So much dumb and awful shit has happened since then that it can be easy to forget Elon Leon’s reign of terror. But it turns out people remembered…

Well that’s just the funniest fucking thing we’ve seen all year. As we wrap up the year and think about the losers and the assholes and the freaks who really tormented us, we have to show some special love to the guy who gets pegged by Grok every night. This year, Elon Leon has been exposed as a ketamine addict, a murderer and the son of a gross incestuous rapist. And you thought you had a rough 2025.

And while we don’t endorse every message being sent Leon’s way, we are damn relieved that no one is letting him off the hook. He even had to have Space X buy all his fugly Cybertrucks because you get the finger from children and nuns when you drive one. So while there is much to mourn and lament here at the end of the year, we can also celebrate the destruction of a real asshole’s reputation. Of course he mostly did it on his own. Good job, Leon. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Electrek.co

Note two: We’ve got a fever. And the only prescription is more therapy. And more cowbell. We’re going to do a second session this week today at 2 p.m. ET/11 a.m. PT. Join us! Watch and join the conversation on YouTube here or join on Substack at 2 PM PT!

Note three: After the FBI dropped the ball, the guy who murdered those people at Brown University and MIT killed himself. But don’t worry. Trump still found a way to be a racist shithead about the whole thing. More: HuffPost

Note four: While we’re waiting for the Epstein files today, we can peruse the photos that House Democrats dropped yesterday. Our favorite? David Brooks, who just last month wrote a column saying “count me out” on the Epstein discussion. LOL. Naw, Dave, we’re gonna count you in. You sick fuck. More: HuffPost, The Guardian

Note five: Trump is trying to name the Kennedy Center after himself. But he got caught lying about the vote being unanimous. Thanks to these two badass Democrats for telling the truth…

Note six: If you’re having a hard time this holiday season, watch the Muppets Christmas Carol. Trust us on this. Not only is it a faithful telling of the Dickens tale, but it’s also freaking hilarious.

Note seven: We don’t often say nice things about CNN, but we’re damn grateful they did this piece on Michele Reiner. We’ve talked so much about Rob and his legacy, but Michele was a star in her own right. More: CNN

Note eight: In this truly pathetic interview of Trump, NBC reports that he’s not ruling out a ground war with Venezuela. If there were tough follow-up questions, the reporters chose not to share them. But the big news, which is buried in this story, is that Trump says he’s already offered his healthcare plan. LOL. More: NBC News

Note nine: This one sucks. Judge Hannah Dugan was found guilty of trying to help an undocumented immigrant evade authorities. Seemed to us like she was just doing the right thing. More: NBC News

Note 10: It’s a Christmas fucking miracle! Jake Tapper is finally asking questions about Trump’s health. Is it possible shame is making a comeback?

Note 11: Most folks don’t realize it, but there is a race happening to replace Mitch McConnell. You will not be surprised to learn that the Republican candidates are lying suck-asses. More: NBC News

Note 12: According to a new AP poll, healthcare has become a top issue for Americans. Probably because some rich fuckhead is trying to take it away from us. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Remember that free speech university Bari Weiss started in Austin, Texas? Well it’s doing great. Just kidding. It’s a goddamn disaster. Who could’ve guessed? More: Houston Chronicle

Note 14: We fucked up, and we need to acknowlege it. We’ve talked a lot about Trump’s invasions of L.A., NYC, Chicago, Portland and Charlotte. But we have not talked nearly enough about what he and his goons are doing to Memphis. This is a sad and beautiful city of major historical significance, and right now it’s being terrorized by Trump’s thugs and Elon Leon’s data centers. We’re genuinely sorry to just now be talking about it. More: Mother Jones

Note 15: Why would anyone spend $150,000 on a dick and balls when you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer for free and make the same stupid decisions? Also, this guy is a fucking weirdo.

Note 16: How egregious is Trump’s dumbshit math? Even Fox News has had enough. More: HuffPost

Note 17: We’re doing the Hunger Games. And we have to admit that we got to this point a little faster than we’d anticipated. More: HuffPost

Note 18: TikTok is now owned by rich Trump buddies. So we’re now the only media left that isn’t owned by rich assholes. Nope, we’re just owned by regular assholes. More: Mediaite

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, get ready to see the awesomest shit you’ve seen in a while. All the love in the world to these two drunk Minnesota bros and their delicious drunken righteousness…

Note 20: And on that beautiful bro note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing weekend full of holiday cheer. And if not, we at least hope you’re having a better year than Leon. What a fucking loser. Love y’all!

Sofa, so good
This week all the scary kids have been gathering in Phoenix for the first Turning Point USA conference since Charlie Kirk was murdered. And last night, Charlie’s widow, Erika, endorsed Jilted Davenportdicker (JD) Vance in the 2028 presidential election. Yeah, we’re thinking the same thing you are. So does this mean Vance has this thing locked up already? Of course not. But it does mean we’re gonna keep trolling him over his marriage. More: NBC News

‘Suckers and losers’
So yesterday we said we had some big questions about Trump’s promise to send the troops $1,776 bonus checks, and the answers were about what we expected. Despite his lying, Trump isn’t sending this money from tariff revenue. Nope. It’s coming from a housing allowance for troops that was included in the One Fugly Bill. So basically he’s taking money they were already getting but giving it to them in a different way. If you know anyone who wears this country’s uniform or has relatives who do, make sure they know the truth. Fucking with the troops ain’t cool. More: DefenseOne

Release the files
Well today is the day. Thanks to the law pushed by the Epstein survivors and Reps. Thomas Massie and Ro Khanna, Trump is legally obligated to release the Epstein files today. So naturally we started seeing stories yesterday about how DOJ was scrambling to redact the victims’ names. Our guess is that they think rich white scumbags are the victims. We’ve already seen Trump henchman Todd Blanche, the guy who gave a sweetheart deal to Ghislaine Maxwell, say the files will be released over coming weeks. Nope. That ain’t how this works, Todd. We have to give credit to Massie. He’s made clear he knows who is in the files, and if he doesn’t see those names there, then he’ll be going to war. Brace yourselves, SPs. More: CNN

Today’s clips
Turning Point USA’s AmericaFest conference turned into a war between Ben Shapiro and Tucker Carlson on Thursday as the two men spent much of their speeches trading blows. More: Mediaite

A Maryland woman has spent days in immigration detention despite being a U.S. citizen with a valid birth certificate and other documentation — documents ICE claims aren’t authentic, her attorneys told HuffPost Thursday. More: HuffPost

European Union leaders agreed on Friday to provide a massive interest-free loan to Ukraine to meet its military and economic needs for the next two years, EU Council President Antonio Costa said, but they failed to agree to use frozen Russian assets to raise the funds. More: NBC News

Ahead of President Donald Trump’s Friday evening visit to Rocky Mount, some residents say they are feeling an economic squeeze that seems hard to escape. The uneasy feeling spans political affiliation in the town, which is split between two largely rural and somewhat impoverished counties, although some were more hopeful than others that there are signs of reprieve on the horizon. More: Associated Press

Most people in the country know someone who currently has, or just had, the flu. More: HuffPost

They say a prosecutor can indict a ham sandwich, but the criminal cases brought by the prosecutors at President Donald Trump’s Department of Justice are ending up toast with embarrassing frequency. More: Mediaite