Meet the Press Prez Pi$$es Pants

It’s Monday. There are 148 days until the midterm elections. Scott Pelley spills, a loser loses in Los Angeles and Meet the Press meets the president.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t go all the way to Wisconsin for this.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! It’s been a crazy few days since we last saw you. The U.S. switched sides on the Normandy invasion, the Pentagon said Mormons aren’t a real religion and the Middle East is still very much in flames. But the thing we can’t get past is that we’ve also managed to royally piss off Albania by having Javanka try to buy an island where Jared can be free to run through the wild wearing nothing but a speedo and nipple clamps as god intended…

Oh hell yes! Get their asses, Albania! As Professor Kevin Kruse pointed out last week, it’s really not great that so many different nations now have personal reasons to despise the United States of America. Like did we have beef with Albania before this? We didn’t think so. And now they fucking hate us because they think we’re cool with these corrupt freaks buying up their land. So if you’ll allow us, we think we have a solution.

We found the perfect island for Jared and Ivanka to buy, where they can build hotels and be awful all the livelong day. It’s called Fuck Off and Eat Shit Island. Beautiful name, don’t you think? We’re not sure what it means, but the locals tell us it’s perfect for the vapid vampire couple. Or they can just go straight to hell. We’re good either way. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: NEW YORK! TONIGHT IS YOUR NIGHT! IF YOU WANT THE KNICKS TO STAY IN THE FAVOR OF THE GODS, YOU MUST BOO THE ORANGE FUCKHEAD! More: HuffPost

Note three: And while we’re talking sports, the World Cup gets underway this week and we are damn eager to see how Trump fucks it up. We’re also pretty excited to watch the games and root for the U.S. because this shit is fun even with an asshole as president. More: BBC

Note four: We wish we were kidding about Pete Hegseth switching sides at Normandy. But it was a total goddamn disgrace and it really happened. What an enormous piece of shit. More: The Guardian

Note five: We’ll talk about it more in the news section, but Trump completely lost his shit on Meet the Press yesterday. This bit really jumped out at us…

Note six: It was a really embarrassing Sunday for Trump (and America) as Trump insisted he would stop Israel from retaliating after an Iranian missile launch and then Israel launched missiles anyway. So yeah, shit is going great over there. It’s almost like all these world leaders aren’t on Truth Social. More: The Guardian

Note seven: Hey so we learned our lesson last week and we’re not saying another fucking word about the Maine Senate race. We wish the good people of Maine good luck with their decision.

Note eight: This one is pretty hilarious. Pete Hegseth decided that the Pentagon was recognizing too many gosh darn religions so he got rid of some of them. Including Mormonism. And Sen. Mike Lee is not taking it well. Guess this is what happens when you hang out with bigoted scum. More: Yahoo News

Note nine: Did you march in a Pride parade this weekend? If so, we know you looked amazing and we hope you had a fucking blast. But we know you did because it’s a Pride parade! More: FOX LA

Note 10: The sexist trolls at Fox News are now coming for Lauren Boebert. We still think she sucks butt but we approve of her response…

Note 11: Gwyneth Paltrow says she’s a centrist who doesn’t really feel anything right now. Whatever you say, rich white lady. Maybe Gwyneth should go goop herself. More: The Independent

Note 12: The Obamas are taking the high road again. After Trump trashed the real president’s new library with some AI slop, the classy people invited orange assface to come take a tour. He declined because his cankles are acting up. More: The Independent

Note 13: Bob Packwood died. If you know who that is, make sure you’re up to date on your colonoscopies. Sorry. We thought of that dude and our minds immediately went to assholes. More: OPB.org

Note 14: We had to double-check this was real. A Trump lawyer told a judge last week that Trump can bulldoze the Statue of Liberty if he wants to. So there goes the Statue of Liberty. She will be missed. More: Politico

Note 15: Call us crazy, but this should have been much, much bigger news…

Note 16: It really does suck for Knicks fans that Trump is fucking up their big moment and making it all about himself. No wonder that city hates him so much. Btw, it’s going to be hilarious if the Knicks’ win streak ends the night Trump shows up. Just sayin’. More: NBC News

Note 17: You know how we all hate JD Vance? Well England does too. Just like a salesman at Ashley’s Furniture. More: HuffPost

Note 18: And if all that news didn’t have you pouring cough syrup in your coffee, here’s the latest on the flesh-eating screwworm. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to the Tony Awards. Rosie O’Donnell is back. She’s looking fabulous and firing away at her old orange nemesis. Get his ass, Rosie. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that throwback note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an amazing weekend. Unless you pissed off our Albanian friends. In which case you can fuck all the way off. Love y’all!

Scott Spills

Scott Pelley sat down for an interview this weekend with the New York Times and holy shit the stuff he revealed should be the end of CBSNews. According to Pelley, Bari Weiss was repeatedly intervening to make news stories more friendly to Trump. When Renee Good and Alex Pretti were killed, Weiss wanted the stories to show more aggression from the protesters. Given everything Scott is saying, we really don’t get how the remaining 60 Minutes correspondents can stay there. Unless they just really don’t give a shit about their reputations.

More: USA Today

We Love L.A.!

Phew. The City of Angels had us a little worried for a moment. And then sanity came through. Yesterday, Councilwoman Nithya Raman surpassed shithead Spencer Pratt to take second place in the mayoral race. If these numbers hold — and they will — Raman will take on incumbent Mayor Karen Bass in the fall. But because Pratt is MAGA garbage, the right is in a full-on meltdown over his loss. They have no idea how L.A. counts votes, so they’ve decided it must be a conspiracy. It has never occurred to them that this blue city doesn’t want to be ruled by a red douchebag.

More: NBC Los Angeles

Meet the Pressasdfaefewflnln

If it’s Sunday, oh look the president of the United States just blew a gasket and ruined some nice suit pants! A bloated and angry Trump sat down with Kristen Welker this weekend for an interview and it didn’t go great. Pressed on his election lies in like the first time in fucking forever, Trump got mad, turned red, stepped on NBC’s mic and lumbered out of the interview. It was the first time in a long time he was actually kinda, sorta challenged in an interview and he did not take it well. Unfortunately, NBC and Welker seemed embarrassed that they did their jobs and followed up the good questions with groveling. Trump is weak and getting weaker. Smart reporters would seize this moment. At least until their corporate overlords fire them.

More: bsky.app

Today’s clips

President Donald Trump has pardoned Stephen Buyer, a former Republican congressman from Indiana who served nearly two years in prison for making illegal stock trades based on inside information after he left office. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon is increasingly concerned about Israel ramping up its spying on the U.S., recently raising the counterintelligence threat level from America’s top ally in the Middle East to the highest level, according to two U.S. officials and one former U.S. official. More: NBC News

Former Health and Human Services Secretary Xavier Becerra has advanced to the general election in the California governor’s race, NBC News projects. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — Dozens of mayors and other city leaders gathered in the ballroom of a Washington hotel on a snowy January morning this year gripped by anger and anxiety about the federal government’s increasingly aggressive immigration enforcement operation that included the killings of two U.S. citizens in Minneapolis.

And then FIFA President Gianni Infantino took the stage. More: AP

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Rob Sand rallied a crowd for the first time as the official Democratic nominee for Iowa governor on Sunday, kicking off a countdown to November with the support of Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — After Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth cut nine Navy officers, including all the women, from a promotion list, several female officers say they see the unusual intervention as a sign that their careers now have a ceiling and worry for the future generation of female military leaders. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — A federal lawsuit seeks to halt the upcoming UFC fight card on the White House South Lawn in a mixed martial arts show timed for President Donald Trump’s 80th birthday and part of the celebration of the nation’s 250th anniversary. More: HuffPost