Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. How else are we supposed to talk about a shithead like Howard Lutnick?
Note: Happy Turkey Week, Sexy Patriots! We are so excited to eat like pigs, catch up on sleep and watch holiday movies. But we also know this time of year can be a minefield when you’re dealing with Trump-supporting family members who are always looking to start some shit. Well don’t worry. We got you.
Yeah, we put together this handy guide to help you respond to anything your idiot Trumper relatives might throw at you. You’ll want to print this out and keep it with you at all times…
Relative: Thank goodness that Sleepy Joe guy is gone.
You: You support a fucking pedophile, you sick piece of shit.
Relative: I think we’re really respected around the world again.
You: You support a fucking pedophile, you sick piece of shit.
Relative: I think the tariffs might help the economy in the long run.
You: You support a fucking pedophile, you sick piece of shit.
Relative: I’m just glad he ended that DEI stuff.
You: You support a fucking pedophile, you sick piece of racist shit.
Now feel free to play with those responses and mix it up some. But the bottom line is they should say a goddamn thing to you because you’re not the idiot who voted for a total piece of shit who has wrecked the economy while covering for his pedophile buddies. This is gonna be fun. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: We have to admit something — we think Trump’s nicknames are immature and dumb. But we are so fucking mad at ourselves for not thinking of Marjorie Brown all these years. Goddamnit. Oh well. At least she’s resigning from Congress. More: The Hill
Note three: If you want to clear some extra room for a big Thanksgiving meal, then we’ve got an idea. Read this shit about Olivia Nuzzi and RFK Jr. and you’ll be hurling everywhere. More: HuffPost
Note four: Yeah, today’s opening note was going to be about “felching,” but honestly that’s too far even for us. More: New York Post
Note five: Yeah, America, why the hell won’t you just be like Nutlick here and learn to love tariffs? What’s your fucking problem?
Note six: A new CBS poll finds that seven in 10 Americans don’t want to go to war with Venezuela. That includes more than half of Republicans. We know Trump wants that oil, but surely even he isn’t this goddamn stupid. More: CBS News
Note seven: Some really embarrassing shit went down this weekend as it became clear that the Trump administration was pushing a “peace plan” that was written by Russia. Let’s all pretend to be surprised. More: NBC News
Note eight: Don’t forget we’ve got a special election in Tennessee on Dec. 2. Let’s ruin Republican Christmas. More: Prospect
Note nine: Jair Bolsonaro is in jail because he tried to make a run for it. Damnit why can’t we be like Brazil? More: Associated Press
Note 10: Is this good? Because this does not seem good.
Note 11: RIP to the legend Jimmy Cliff. More: NBC News
Note 12: Candace Owens says the president of France and his wife are trying to kill her. We think that’s stupid, but we also kinda get it. More: Mediaite
Note 13: Bill Cassidy can’t stop embarrassing himself by going to bat for Robert Felching Kennedy. Seriously, man. Just stop. More: HuffPost
Note 14: If you want to read a painful story that is also a searing indictment of Brainworm Felching Butthead, then check this out. But be warned that it will make you cry. More: New Yorker
Note 15: Seriously, America, we’re not well.
Note 16: Want to be even madder about the RFK crap than you thought was possible? Well Krysten Sinema is getting in on his grift. So yeah, MAHA can eat shit, which they probably do to prevent gout or something. More: Politico
Note 17: MTG says she’s not running for president. We frankly don’t care where she runs as long as it’s far, far away. More: Mediaite
Note 18: The funniest fucking thing in the world happened this weekend. Elon Leon turned on the locations for twitter users and it turns out that all the big MAGA accounts are foreign-based. Yeah, so Chad-bunch-of-numbers ain’t real America because he’s been posting from Nigeria. More: NBC News
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going down to Alabama. No, seriously. Former U.S. Senator Doug Jones, a helluva good dude, is running for governor against dumbshit Tommy Tuberville, a hellluva moron. Do the right thing, Alabama! More: AL.com
Note 20: And on that exciting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are ready for a safe and wonderful holiday week. We’re still figuring out our publishing schedule, but we know we’re going to do at least one therapy session. It will give us time to practice telling our relatives to fuck off. Love y’all!
Dead DOGE
Well here’s some good news — Elon Leon’s bullshit agency is no longer. Yeah, the fake agency the drugged-out South African set up when he was taking a chainsaw to the federal government and stealing our data “doesn’t exist,” according to Reuters. Yeah, the news agency is reporting that is no longer a “centralized entity” even though it still has eight months left on its charter. It’s almost like it was a total joke that never had a real purpose in the first place. Now we just need to rebuild everything they broke and throw the DOGE d-bags in prison for a few years. More: Reuters
Impressive
So everyone was wondering how the Trump/Mamdani meeting was gonna go, but we don’t think anyone guess correctly that the meeting would end with Mamdani taking Don Jr.’s place in Trump’s will. Yeah, Zo held firm but polite and charmed the snake in one of the most impressive displays of diplomacy we can remember seeing. Zo didn’t give an inch. He even called Trump a fascist while standing in the Oval Office! We spent quite a bit of time on Friday watching the MAGA people totally lose their shit because Trump is a total starfucker who was totally infatuated with Mamdani. We think NYC is gonna be just fine. More: NBC News, BBC
We’re winning
And you can tell because the orange guy is losing it. Beginning with the November elections and continuing through the shutdown, Democrats have been on offense, and Trump is struggling to play defense. He spent the shutdown demolishing the East Wing and holding Great Gatsby parties at Mar-a-Lago. He was completely caught off-guard that affordability is what Americans care about. He’s seen his party revolt from random Indiana Republicans who don’t want to redistrict to the loss of one of his most loyal footsoldiers in Marjorie Taylor Greene. So he’s doing what he does when he’s losing and losing it — he fantasizes about putting his opponents in jail. That’s why he’s staying focused on Democratic lawmakers who want our troops to disobey illegal orders. That’s why he fell in love with Zo. Because he’s a fucking mess. And because we’re winning. Keep up the heat, Sexy Patriots. More: HuffPost
Today’s clips
A Maryland family is trying to get their loved one back after she was deported from the U.S. to a country they say she had no ties to. Video that’s made international news showed her being dragged by people her family believes worked for Ghana’s government. More: NBC News
The race for California governor features former presidential wannabes, a county sheriff, two women who could become the first female to hold the office, House members current and former, an ex-Cabinet secretary and at least one billionaire with another in the wings. The contest has been singed by scandal and witnessed one campaign nearly melt down. More: Associated Press
Chicago has entered what many consider a new uneasy phase of a Trump administration immigration crackdown that has already led to thousands of arrests. More: Associated Press
Ukrainian citizens told 60 Minutes on Sunday about the “unimaginable” war crimes they have endured during the three years since Russia attacked their country, including the kidnapping of children and the indiscriminate slaughter of civilians in small towns and villages. More: Mediaite
President Donald Trump is reportedly leaning on Oracle CEO Larry Ellison to produce a new entry in the “Rush Hour” film series. More: HuffPost
I want ICE to go to jail and stay there forever, for every illegal act they’ve committed.
Seems like trumps shit is falling apart left & right. Every turn he takes a bitch slap. His own cabinet screwing him over (Rubio) for one.
Isn't life just grand.
And yeah, this Thanksgiving will be GOOD.
THANK YOU, Adam.
Hey, get back to cursing. I miss that. 🤣😂😂😂