Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it needs a shortcut key for “Fuck John Fetterman.”
Note: Hello, Sexy Patriots, and congratulations on making it to the weekend. While we normally like to open this cussing newsletter with a joke or an extended riff about putting concrete rat dicks on the Supreme Court building, today we’d like to take a more serious tone and talk to you about the dangers of AI. We are proud to say that this newsletter and everything else we publish is 100 percent human made. We think that other shit is lazy and dishonest and we just saw Terminator too many times as kids to ever trust AI.
And just as there are fates worse than death, it turns out there are AI consequences worse than what happened in the Terminator franchise. This fact was proven conclusively yesterday afternoon when the most fucked up and unsettling slop in the history of mankind was posted on twitter…
THESE FREAKS ARE SO WEIRD!!! If this was the Terminator, we’d send John Conner back in time to pluck out our fucking eyes so we don’t ever have to see that shit again. Maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger can help us stop hurling. We don’t think even Skynet would hand feed couch boy while Marco jerks off with a pop tart. Hell, that’s the kind of evil you saw if you ate the brown acid at the original Woodstock.
If our warnings about the dangers of AI have fallen flat so far, we hope whatever the hell that gross shit is will convey how serious this situation really is. We know we’ll never use it. And we’re not ever eating sauerkraut again either. Now excuse us while we go throw up some more. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: We were planning to do therapy today, but the storms in Northern Virginia have Adam and his family living all Amish. He had to send out today’s newsletter from a coffee shop. We’re so sorry. We’ll try to do one over this Labor Day weekend.
Note three: LOLOL!!! This is our favorite story of the day. Former Kentucky Gov. Matt Bevin was arrested yesterday. Sam covered politicians for two decades, and Bevin was the biggest asshole of the bunch. We hope he rots. More: WLWT
Note four: A stunning story from the Wall Street Journal reveals that John “Fuckhead” Fetterman has been blowing off paralyzed veterans, police officers’ funerals and state lawmakers worried about Medicaid cuts. Instead he likes to go on Fox and meet with hardcore Israeli government supporters. We cannot fucking wait for this asshole to be out of a job. More: Wall Street Journal, Yahoo News
Note five: We need more questions like this from the assholes who are taking money from a super racist. Also, we better not see anymore talk about how Troy Jackson lacks charisma because seriously…
Note six: Diesel prices set a record high of $5.85 a gallon yesterday. Just hours earlier, JD Vance was in the White House briefing room telling us all how lucky we are that those prices aren’t higher. Fuck off, JD. More: AP
Note seven: Trump is going ahead with that stupid fucking arch. We can’t wait to give that ugly shit the Saddam Statue treatment. More: The Guardian
Note eight: What’s happening in Springfield, Ohio right now is the kind of evil shit we read about in history books. We need to see some Democrats on the ground there stat! More: Zeteo
Note nine: We don’t believe today’s jobs report for shit. So we won’t be shocked when the number is revised down two months from now. More: HuffPost
Note 10: Fucking couches isn’t even the weirdest or grossest thing about this fucking weirdo. Look at this d-bag. Just a black hole of charm and decency.
Note 11: James Comer says that Mitch McConnell is in fact a live and will return to work on Sept. 15. They’re really gonna make Weekend at Bernie’s a documentary. More: HuffPost
Note 12: History was made yesterday as Stephen A. Smith defended a Black woman from racists for the first time ever. More: HuffPost
Note 13: We don’t know who did this, but we freaking love it…
Note 14: Now this is some dirty politics. A candidate in Missouri was gonna plant blow and adderall on his opponent. When told about this news, Don Jr said it was a total waste of good blow and adderall. More: AP
Note 15: Trump is asking SCOTUS to let him rig the midterms. If they don’t, it’ll be a goddamn miracle. More: NBC News
Note 16: House Republicans are spending money to keep Max Miller in office. How the fuck is this not a bigger story than some twitch streamer? More: Yahoo
Note 17: James Talarico ain’t fucking around and we are very much here for it. Git ‘em, James.
Note 18: Republicans don’t want Trump to campaign for them. He’s probably going to do it anyway. And that, folks, is some high comedy. More: Politico
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’d like to thank the brave Ohioans who did this. Eat shit, Vivek. More: Instagram
Note 20: And on that trolling note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing Labor Day weekend. And we’re very sorry if the image in the opening note ruined your day and destroyed your appetite. Please forgive us. Love y’all!
BONUS NOTE: Since Labor Day is the traditional election season kick-off, here’s some Rage Against the Machine to get you all fired up! More: YouTube
Able-Bodied Adults
The House just came back into session and now it’s out again. Mike Little Johnson and his party are asking voters to let them control the lower chamber for another two years even though they have barely showed up the last two years. Why are they leaving so soon? Thomas Massie was pushing another Epstein vote, and we know that makes Little Mikey sweat. These fuckers literally just came back from a two-month vacation and now they’re taking another two-month vacation. Remember when they were lecturing us about working from home?
More: The Independent
How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?
It is really goddamn hard to get fired from Fox News. But drunken fraggle Maria Bartiromo has managed to do the impossible. Maria, one of Trump’s top kiss-asses at Fox, was fired yesterday after a multi-week investigation into her leaks about Fox business to the White House. Fox has been refusing to indulge some of Trump’s election denialism because they don’t want to get sued again, and this was apparently not ok with Maria. So now she’s out of a job, and Fox News is slightly smarter. How long until she’s working for Trump (officially)?
More: People
The Show Me (Winning) State
Some huge and unexpected news out of Missouri yesterday. The Show Me State was one of several red states where Republicans redrew maps to get rid of a Democratic seat. But yesterday, the state Supreme Court called bullshit and said the state has to use the old maps with two blue seats. Fuck yeah. Trump was furious to see it. We were mostly just shocked. That’s one less seat we’re probably gonna have to worry about. Let’s fucking go!!!
More: New Republic
Today’s clips
KATHMANDU, Nepal (AP) — Rescuers in Nepal pulled two workers alive from an underground tunnel at a hydropower plant Friday, raising hopes of reaching dozens of others believed to be trapped nine days after deadly floods swept away villages and submerged the Himalayan region in mud and debris. More: AP
NEW YORK (AP) — Former Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer oversaw a “toxic, intimidating and humiliating” work environment and engaged in numerous violations of department policy, according to a new report from the department’s Office of Inspector General. More: AP
Kamala Harris, Hillary Clinton and Oprah Winfrey are among a slew of politicians, celebrities, writers and activists who are lauding Gloria Steinem as a revolutionary and inspiring figure. More: AP
RICHMOND, Va. (AP) — Wisconsin’s candidates for governor want to limit them, while Pennsylvania’s say they support a ban. A Michigan congressional candidate called them “un-American.” A Florida Senate candidate is selling merch opposing them. More: AP
Britain’s populist Reform UK said two senior aides to leader Nigel Farage stepped down on Friday after an undercover investigation alleged the party had broken electoral law by arranging for a foreign donor to pay for political polling. More: NBC News
BUENOS AIRES, Argentina — President Donald Trump raised doubts about whether the United States would support Britain in another conflict over the Falkland Islands in an interview with a British broadcaster aired Thursday, injecting new tension into the long-standing dispute over the British-controlled archipelago also claimed by Argentina. More: NBC News
WASHINGTON, Sept 3 (Reuters) - The Pentagon is temporarily rescinding recently published clinical guidance for a new, mandatory testosterone deficiency screening policy for service members aged 30 and older, a U.S. official told Reuters on Thursday. More: HuffPost
Note Seven: how about the Saddam Statue treatment for all of this regime’s horrific changes? #notjustthearch
What a rundown- eye popping, expected, sad, and many other adjectives. Thank you!