Making War Crimes Great Again

It’s Tuesday. There are 399 days until the midterm elections. Trump trolls Democratic leadership, ‘Women for Trump’ get a wake-up call and a draft-dodging coward declares war on America.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t spend the morning rambling like an idiot lunatic in front of the military brass.

Note: We have seen some shit, Sexy Patriots. All of us. In all these years of Trumpism, we have seen some crazy, crazy shit. We’ve seen a grown man stare at an eclipse, we’ve seen Kanye take a shit in the Oval Office and we’ve seen a gameshow host attack the goddamn Capitol and then win re-election a few years later. So we’re pretty used to bonkers at this point. Or so we thought…

What a fucking asshole. It’s like he doesn’t even know about the future restraining order his dirtbag son is definitely gonna have. Yeah, the drunken SecDef who was accused of sexual assault and domestic violence spent the morning addressing our nation’s military leadership and lecturing them about “females” and having beards and being “fat.” It was like watching American Psycho join McHale’s Navy. It was really something to watch someone who spent the last several years pissing his pants on Fox weekend hosting duties lecture and cuss a roomful of people who have dedicated their lives to defending us and our country.

So on behalf of the U.S. Military, we’d like to invite Pete Hegseth to drink a great big glass of our ass sweat. He can follow that up by eating shit and fucking all the way off. We’d rather have honorable soldiers who fight for what’s right than freakshow fuckhead lunatics who get off on killing civilians. Enjoy your cheap Patton impression, Pete. Maybe the memory will keep you warm someday when you’re making toilet wine in the Hague. Y’all have a blessed day. Except Hegseth. Fuck that piece of shit.

Note two: A second Mexican detainee has died after the shooting in Dallas last week. He wasn’t trans or a white Republican so the media and the GOP don’t give a shit. Cue up the Lee Greenwood. More: NBC News

Note three: Remember that asshole ICE guy who assaulted that woman the other day in front of Brad Lander? Well he was put on leave. For about five minutes. We’d like to thank these goons for making very clear what is at stake in this country. And then we’d like them to go straight to hell. More: CBS News

Note four: Serial sexual harasser Mark Halperin, who liked to jerk off in front of women without their consent, is telling author Ta-Nehisi Coates to fuck off. Can we please get Coates some keychain mace? More: Mediaite

Note five: Trump wanted to look like Patton today and instead he just sounds like Jeb fucking Bush. What a loser.

Note six: HuffPo’s Jen Bendery is one of our favorite reporters working these days, and she was instrumental in getting a commutation for Leonard Peltier. Today, Jen has an interview with the long-incarcerated Native American activist. More: HuffPost

Note seven: JK Rowling is human garbage. We’re Team Hermione. You really have to wonder why Rowling is so hyper-focused on being anti-trans. What’s he trying to hide?! More: NBC News

Note eight: We really love the way Zohran Mamdani has excited and energized our young voters. But the thing we love the most is how much he ain’t afraid of Trump or Trump’s threats. Fuck him up, Zo! More: Mediaite

Note nine: JFC. The White House is fighting with Ariana Grande. And you thought the Hegseth rally would be the dumbest thing you’d see today. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Oof. The Onion is too real for this one. Except we don’t think Trump can count.

Note 11: We obviously don’t watch Piers Morgan because fuck that. But we are howling at this dude who went on there and called Trump Bibi’s “personal cuck.” LOL! More: Mediaite

Note 12: Hey so we don’t want to be harsh, but Trump looked like 10 pounds of shit in a five-pound bag this morning. We sure hope he’s ok and that the bruise is spreading all over his gross goddamn body.

Note 13: Eric Trump says that Democrats tried to break up his dad’s marriage to Melania. Yeah, we’re the ones who made him not satisfy Stormy Daniels. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Sam saw “One Battle After Another” last night and holy shit what a movie. Viva la revolución. More: Variety

Note 15: Stephen Miller’s goons are terrorizing Chicago. Thank you to Gov. JB Pritzker for continuing to fight back with moral clarity.

Note 16: You won’t be shocked to hear this, but a new year-long study reveals that nazis love Elon’s twitter. What? We told you that you wouldn’t be shocked to hear it! More: CNN

Note 17: The White House is saying that one of the first things to go in a government shutdown will be Friday’s jobs report. LOLOL!!! Gosh. Why don’t they want it coming out? Sure is a mystery. More: CNBC

Note 18: Just a reminder that Mike Little Johnson is covering up the Epstein files and the media largely don’t give a shit. More: Axios

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to show you more from Passed Out Pete Hegseth’s deranged speech this morning. Just kidding. Here he is hitting himself in the nuts with a skateboard.

Note 20: And on that perfect note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a great start. Unless you’re the Secretary of Defense. Because that guy is a psycho who sucks. Love y’all!

Shut it down
Yesterday Schumer and Jeffries went to the White House to meet with Trump. Tomorrow the federal government will shut down. It’s been obvious for a while that Schumer is looking for a way to surrender and too much of his party won’t let him. It’s so embarrassing watching our leadership get rolled over and over again. And Trump knows how weak they are so he put out a video last night of Jeffries wearing a sombrero and Schumer saying how much Democrats suck. It was trashy and gross and stupid and we’re sure the Democratic response will be to just take it. We are fucking sick of this. It’s time for real courage and real strength. Shut the government down and explain to the American people that we are doing this because a crazy dictator is out of control. Get tough, Democrats. Or get new jobs. More: CNN

Oopsie
We just had to put this in the news section. Amy Kremer, the self-loathing trash who started “Women for Trump,” has suddenly discovered how much her hero was full of shit about lowering prices. In a twitter post this week, Kremer wrote that “the cost of living is out of control.” While still too cowardly to call out Trump’s country club ass, Kremer tweeted about grocery prices being “out of control.” “Families are struggling and can’t afford to eat. Our elderly are hurting and too prideful to say anything. Something has gotta give.” Yeah, no shit. Maybe she shouldn’t have voted for the dumbfuck who thinks groceries is a new word he just discovered. Shoulda voted Kamala, Amy! More: Newsweek

Well that was fucking terrifying
We talked at length about Hegseth’s deranged remarks this morning, but holy shit Trump’s remarks were on a whole ‘nother level. When not talking about tariffs and how ugly stealth ships are, Trump focused his remarks on “the invasion from within.” Trump made clear that he believes part of the mission of the Department of War is to go after Americans and cities he doesn’t like. Trump spent a great deal of time attacking Joe Biden and the Democratic Party, and he continued his lies about cities like Portland and Seattle. Honestly, it was pretty goddamn horrifying. We have a president who sees us as the enemy. Well fuck him and his bone spurred cankles. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
With weeks to go in New Jersey’s high-stakes governor’s race, key members of Democrats’ diverse coalition, including union and Black leaders, have been raising concerns — even when they’re not supposed to. More: Associated Press

Louisiana’s Republican governor asked for National Guard deployments to New Orleans and other cities, saying Monday that his state needs help fighting crime and praising President Donald Trump’s decision to send troops to Washington and Memphis. More: Associated Press

Both Zohran Mamdani and Andrew Cuomo argued that they’d defend New York City from President Donald Trump’s threats while speaking at a mayoral forum focused on issues affecting Black women on Monday. More: HuffPost

FBI Director Kash Patel presented some of New Zealand’s top law enforcement officials with gifts of 3D-printed firearms, which were later disposed of because they violated the country’s gun laws, the Associated Press revealed Tuesday. More: Mediaite

Federal prosecutors say Sean “Diddy” Combs should serve more than 11 years in prison after he was found guilty of two counts of transportation to engage in prostitution, ahead of his sentencing on Friday. More: NBC News

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