Mad Melania

It’s Thursday. There are 446 days until the midterm elections. O talks to Zo, Trump’s stormtroopers do traffic duty and Trumpflation ain’t going nowhere.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. That might be a felony now.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it has been an exciting morning here at AltMedia HQ. We spent hours putting together an opening note about Markwayne Mullin’s new gig as the spokesman for Depends for Republicans. Yeah, we were gonna devote this whole space to making fun of big tough Republican men who can’t stop pissing and shitting themselves when they enter a major metropolitan city. But then Melania got mad.

Yeah, we had to pivot from Markwayne’s messy shorts because Melania Trump, who somehow came here on an Einstein visa, has decided to do us all a big favor and keep her husband and his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein in the news. How? We’re so glad you asked. The vapid dipshit has decided to sue Hunter Biden because he brought her into the scandal by bringing up her relationship with Epstein. Oops.

So Melania’s dumb ass is suing Hunter for $1 billion and an apology. Now you might be asking why we moved this ahead of a long screed about Republican men ruining their underwear with the fear poops. The answer is simple — we saw Hunter’s response and couldn’t stop laughing. So please check out this video and enjoy Hunter Biden’s response to the Worst Lady. And Melania, dear, please keep doing what you’re doing. Fucking moron lol.

* YouTube has taken this video down since we sent out. If you find a new copy before we do share in the comments!

LOLOL! Y’all have a blessed day. Especially Hunter Biden.

Note two: Hey remember that unqualified boot-licking dunce Trump nominated to lead the Bureau of Labor Statistics? Well he was at Jan. 6. Yeah, who could’ve guessed the asshole who wants to cook the books for Trump would be an insurrectionist piece of shit? More: NBC

Note three: Trump is trying to talk tough ahead of his surrender to Putin tomorrow. We’re really gonna miss Alaska. And possibly the Pacific Northwest. More: HuffPost

Note four: We almost didn’t share this story about Kristi Noem and Corey Lewandowski. But only because the thought of the two of them together makes us want to hurl chunks. More: Mediaite

Note five: Oh and here’s ol’ Markwayne peeing himself until he’s dehydrated. What a fucking wuss. We sure hope he doesn’t hit a concrete barrier and get thrown through the windshield into a wall. That would be awful.

Note six: Speaking of Markwayne — and we really hate doing so — the racist fuck was on cable news last night confusing two different Black mayors while accusing them of being racist. We really expect better from someone whose name was the product of two cousins fucking. More: Mediaite

Note seven: We’re not gonna spend much time on Trump and the Kennedy Center bullshit. It’s gross, and it makes our stomachs turn and we don’t even want to make fun of it. So here’s a link. More: The Hill

Note eight: We’re a day late on this, but we are so happy to see Sherrod Brown is running to get back in the U.S. Senate. This is a guy who actually cares about working Americans. Now let’s find out if they care about themselves. More: NBC

Note nine: Gavin Newsom is announcing he’s going ahead with redistricting California today. Or at least that’s what we think he’s announcing. He’s really been on his troll game lately, and we respect it. More: The Guardian

Note 10: Our other idea for the opening note today was going to be a campaign to encourage this guy to suck on tailpipes. And while he’s at it, his dumb ass can suck on our tailpipes too.

Note 11: This one went largely unnoticed, but a New Mexico Republican who ran for a statehouse seat and got his ass kicked was sentenced to 80 years in prison for arranging a “shooting spree” against four Democrats. We’re starting to think these sonsofbitches don’t really care about law and order. More: NBC

Note 12: Sen. Dick Blumenthal is furious. One of RFK Jr’s idiot vaccine advisers was posting violent shit even after an anti-vaxx gunman killed a cop after opening fire at the CDC. Blumenthal wants the guy fired. We all do. More: HSGAC

Note 13: While we’re talking letters, House Judiciary Committee Democrats fired one off to Pam Bondi yesterday demanding to know why the effing fuck Ghislaine Maxwell is getting cush treatment and ordering DOJ to keep all records. If we win the House next year, the victims might actually get some answers. More: The Hill

Note 14: USDA spent thousands of our dollars on banners of Trump’s fugly orange face. They did this while starving kids in Africa. What a bunch of scumbags. More: The Independent

Note 15: They’re actually charging that sandwich guy in D.C. with a felony. And you can tell it’s super serious because they sent out this drunken little clown to tell us about it.

Note 16: We’re behind and don’t even know if there was a South Park episode last night, but we are thrilled to see their first two episodes have been the show’s most highly-rated in 25 years. We’re sure Trump is thrilled too. More: Vulture

Note 17: The Taylor Swift appearance on Travis Kelce’s podcast is freaking amazing, and we highly recommend it for any Swifties out there. More: NBC

Note 18: We were gonna save this for the Happy Ending but then we remembered it’s actually pretty fucking stupid. Ivanka is going back to work with her daddy. We had kinda hoped she just fell off the face of the earth. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For the actual Happy Ending, well, we got nothin’. But we do have the Thursday Therapy session today at 4pm ET/1 pm PT. Please join us so we can cuss and cry together!

Note 20: And on that self-promotional note, let’s go do some news. We sure hope your week is going well. Unless you’re Melania. She can eat shit. Love y’all!

O and Zo

The NYT dropped an interesting story yesterday about how Barack Obama reached out to Zohran Mamdani for a long chat while other establishment Democrats were being total dicks to him. Obama knows a thing or two about young political superstars who are dismissed because of their names or some bullshit allegations. If Obama can get behind this guy, why can’t the rest of the party? If we want young men and excitement and victory, then shouldn’t we welcome those things when they actually show up? We tried to find a story about this with no paywall, but google just spit out a bunch of shit about socialism.

More: NY Times

DC don’t play

It ain’t just dudes throwing Subway sandwiches at cops. Last night, Trump’s federal stormtroopers set up traffic checkpoints in DC, and the folks there were not having it. Not only is is it stupid and pointless to have federal fucking officers doing traffic duty, but it’s also a great way to encourage the American people to mock and make fun of those federal troops. We were so proud to see our fellow Americans in occupied DC taking to the streets to cuss and lampoon these brave traffic cops. Keep the insults and the laughs coming!

Trumpflation

Oh boy! Remember how we had a whole fucking presidential campaign about high prices and how Americans pissed away their democracy and dignity to elect an asshole who said he would bring prices down? Well you’ll never believe it but it didn’t work. Yeah, we got more inflation data this morning and wholesale inflation surged last month. Why? Because of fuckhead’s tariffs. Yeah, that thing that every economist warned us would happen is happening. The next step is those producers raising prices on consumers, and that’ll come soon. So thanks, Trump. Fucking asshole.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

Russia's Vladimir Putin sounded positive Thursday on the eve of his talks with President Donald Trump in Alaska, saying he believed the American leader was making "quite energetic and sincere efforts" toward peace in Ukraine. More: NBC

Rep. Anna Paulina Luna (R-FL) has called for more “transparency” from the government as she described evidence of “interdimensional beings” to Joe Rogan. More: Mediaite

Fitness influencer and Trump defender Jillian Michaels stunned CNN anchor Abby Phillip with her argument about White people and slavery during a heated exchange on President Donald Trump’s push to “review” history in museums. More: Mediaite

President Donald Trump warned Wednesday during a press conference that he doesn’t need congressional approval to extend the federal takeover of Washington, D.C., and claimed local crime is so bad that it could constitute a national emergency if he says so. More: HuffPost

Despite being American citizens, three children — a 4-year-old boy with Stage 4 kidney cancer, his 7-year-old sister and a 2-year-old girl — were swept up along with their families by immigration authorities in Louisiana and quickly sent to Honduras, according to a lawsuit filed on behalf of the families. More: NBC

The mother of a 15-year-old California boy who was briefly detained by federal agents at gunpoint in a case of mistaken identity recalled the terrifying interaction in an interview Wednesday. More: NBC