Love for Brandon

It’s Monday. There are 533 days until the midterm elections. A Sunday night deficit-busting Medicaid massacre, Trump’s cognitive decline and a word about Dark Brandon.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s how we can tell Don Jr. to eat shit.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We missed you this weekend. We hope you’ll forgive us, but we needed a recharge after staring into the butthole of insanity every damn day. We hope y’all had a lovely weekend too. Or at least better than Jiminy Doodaadipshit (JD) Vance. Look at this cold shoulder. We know the pope loves everyone. But does he?

Brrrrrrrrrrr. You get chills just watching that ice cold shit. And it got worse. While largely ignoring Vice President Couchfuck, the pope did invite the Zelenskys to join him for a private meeting. They even put out some photos and stuff. And here, exclusively, is a partial transcript of that meeting…

Zelensky: Thanks for meeting us, Your Holiness. Congrats on the new gig. Did you shake Vance’s hand?

Pope: Yeah. Why was it wet?!

Zelensky: Right?! How fucking gross is that? He’s a grown man! Why are his hands always wet?!

Pope: Totally! And did you hear that thing about him and the couch?

Z: Of course! I have ears, don’t I? Do you think it’s true?

Pope: I didn’t until I met him, but there’s some real depravity behind those heavily made-up eyes. I was worried he was going to kill me with his weirdness. Or fuck my couch!

Z: Hahahaha! We were worried for you. That dude is a freak.

Pope: And just a total asshole.

Z: Yep. Nailed it. He’s a couch-fucking freak asshole.

Pope: Yep. Agreed. So shall we pray?

Ouch. That’s gotta hurt. But it continues to be a universal truth that nobody likes Jerknuts Doodiefries (JD) Vance. But hey, at least we’re respected around the world again, right? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Since we’re kicking things off this week by making fun of Jilted Davenportdoer (JD) Vance, his preferred candidate in Romania got beat this weekend. We’re tempted to thank him for taking out all these right-wing d-bags with his cooties. Keep being a loser, JD! More: BBC

Note three: We’re gonna talk about Joe Biden in the news section, but we did want to be sure to tell Don Jr. to eat shit, fuck off, eat some more shit and then kiss our asses. What a fucking scumbag. He must’ve been raised by human garbage. More: The Independent

Note four: We’re sending big love to Kentucky and Missouri. They’ve been hit hard by tornadoes and cuts to the weather service, and their president doesn’t seem to give two shits. More: AP News

Note five: We had missed this video of Kristi Noem getting handed a resignation letter, but it made us laugh so hard a little pee came out.

Note six: Trump is supposed to be talking to Putin today. We’re sure he’ll bring an end to Putin’s illegal war on Day One of his presidency. Oh wait. More: ABC News

Note seven: It’s hard to believe but our broken and corrupt Supreme Court actually ruled against the way Trump has been deporting Venezuelans. Trump is so mad he’s now threatening the justices. This was not a big leap for him. More: Daily Beast, USA Today

Note eight: We’re gonna say this as nicely as we know how — no Senate Democrats should be helping out Trump with his crypto scams, and we will all be watching to see who does. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Snoop Dogg says we can all fuck off and can’t cancel him because he got paid to hang out with Trump scum at the inauguration. We’re not trying to cancel him. We’re just very sad to see him sell out and no longer fans after 30 years. Fuck you, Snoop. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Remember when the White House press weren’t the actual scum of the earth? What the hell is wrong with these ghouls?

Note 11: Some good news as Sesame Street appears to have found a home at Netflix. Maybe now Oscar the Grouch can start cussing like he’s always wanted to. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 12: ICE put out a post today saying they are not the Gestapo. Yeah, and Trump is 6’3” 220.

Note 13: If there’s one thing that really brings us joy these days, it’s watching Elon Leon’s fugly cybertrucks eat the big one. Nobody wants to drive around in a dumpster except trash. More: Electrek

Note 14: Walmart is going to raise its prices because of tariffs. So Trump and the White House are threatening them. Remember when Republicans pretended to believe in free markets? More: CNN

Note 15: It sure looks like Trump had Epstein murdered and then hired these guys to be his own deep state. Do we have that right? Do we sound crazy enough? WHAT ARE THESE GUYS HIDING?!

Note 16: Trump has decided to be the pro-gun violence president. He really does want lots and lots of Americans to die. Seems like a bad quality in a president. More: AP News

Note 17: It looks like Britain is sorta, kinda undoing Brexit. How do we sorta, kinda undo Trump? More: AP News

Note 18: We don’t know how to handle Mike Pence constantly going after Trump. He’s a total chode who sucks, but at least he ain’t fucking couches and killing popes. So welcome to the resistance, Mikey. More: NBC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Louisiana where the state’s largest plantation burned to the ground. Our only regret is that we weren’t there to roast marshmallows and piss on the ashes.

Note 20: And on that hot note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an awesome weekend. Let’s see just how stupid this country can get this week. Love y’all!

Big Bullshit Bill

So Trump’s massive wealth transfer got moving last night after Republicans voted Trump’s Medicaid cuts and tax breaks for Elon out of committee. This still has a ways to go, but the way Mike Johnson won over the House holdouts last night was to make the bill even more cruel to Medicaid recipients than it already was. Frankly, we are astonished and somewhat flummoxed by Republicans taking such a massively unpopular vote, but we were also shocked those fuckers won after stripping basic human rights from women so what the fuck do we know. The good news is this fight ain’t over yet. We can still pressure the Senate to push back on this shit.

More: HuffPost

Trump’s melting brain

While the beltway media has spun themselves into a ghoulish tizzy over the mental state of the last president, maybe they should be checking in on the cognitive abilities of the current president. Last night, Trump spent quite a bit of time on Truth Social firing off all-caps attacks on Bruce Springsteen, Beyonce and others who endorsed Kamala Harris. Trump even said he wants the stars investigated by DOJ. This follows Trump pushing QAnon shit and calling for a military tribunal for Obama. So where are the fucking headlines? Where is the Jake Tapper book? Why the fuck are these reporters only interested in going after Biden when an actual lunatic moron is sitting in office fucking things up as we speak?

More: The New Republic

Love to Joe

So obviously by now you’ve heard that Joe Biden has prostate cancer. It appears to be treatable, and we are thankful for that. We are also thankful for Joe. Was he the perfect president? Of course not. That doesn’t exist. But he brought us out of a once-in-a-century pandemic and rebuilt the economy while focusing on the middle class. He was decent and good, and we will forever be grateful for his decades of public service. It’s damn upsetting to see this family have to endure more sadness, and it’s even more upsetting to see the beltway media following Don Jr.’s lead in pushing more conspiracy theories. We hope that folks at Morning Joe eat shit.

More: The Independent

Today’s clips

The father of a 25-year-old man suspected of a car bombing attack outside a California fertility clinic said he feels "terrible" and is "heartbroken" over the incident. More: NBC

Stocks slipped on Monday after Moody’s downgraded the U.S. credit rating late Friday, causing Treasury yields to spike. More: CNBC

U.S. Treasury yields spiked on Monday after Moody’s downgraded the U.S.′ credit rating, causing investors to dump bonds. Rates hit key levels that have pressured financial markets recently. More: CNBC

Pedro Pascal had a strong message about the current political chaos in the U.S. at the Cannes press conference for Ari Aster’s “Eddington,” telling journalists: “Fuck the people who try to make you scared.” More: Variety