LOL No Nobel

Happy Friday. There are 389 days until the midterm elections. Trump goes after AG James, a crucial Pennsylvania battle and Trump is a big ol’ loser.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But you don’t hear it bitching about not winning the Nobel Cussing Prize.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, congratulations. For what, you hot motherfuckers? For making it to the end of another week in Trumpland. And for being so damn sexy. But seriously, making it to the weekend these days is nothing to take for granted. Have you seen the crazy sonsofbitches in charge of our health?!

Yiiiiiikes. Oh there’s a lot we’d like to quibble with there. So here’s a fake interview with the freakshow running HHS…

Us: What’s up, numbnuts? We heard you think babies grow in a placenta.

RFK Jr.: That’s not true! I’m not dumb. I know the women folk pee out of their placentas.

Us: Jesus Christ, dude. How have you cheated on your wives so much and still know so little about the female anatomy?

RFK Jr.: I only have sex while wearing a leather hood filled with mayonnaise and red ants. It keeps my heart in rhythm and my joints lubricated. I’ve never actually seen a naked woman.

Us: That tracks. So then why the fuck are you out here talking about women’s health?

RFK Jr.: Because they’re all witches who want to steal my amulet and my Bobby juice. Have you heard me talk about circumcision yet? I do ‘em myself for a nickel. But I get to keep what’s left!

Us: Ummm… If we bought you a straight-jacket, would you wear it?

RFK Jr.: The xylophone mocks me, and I will have her eggs. The boogie woogie wheel of cheese will never catch me!

Us: Ok this isn’t funny anymore. Someone call the police!

Like so much in Trumpland, the brain worm asshole is fun to mock until you remember he’s actually got power to do some of this crazy shit. And then it’s still hilarious but also really, really fucking upsetting. Stay healthy, Sexy Patriots. And have a blessed day. More: HuffPost

Note two: We are very much hoping and praying that the ceasefire in Gaza holds. We want peace. But putting American boots on the ground is a pretty HUGE deal. What happens if they’re fired upon? Does that mean we’re at war too? Don’t worry. We’re sure responsible people are thinking this shit through. More: Mediaite

Note three: A judge temporarily blocked Trump’s efforts to send troops to Chicago based largely on the fact that Trump is lying about what’s happening in Chicago. We’re sure glad these judges have more guts than the White House press pussies. More: AP News

Note four: Trump is getting a physical today. Or so he says. We’re rooting for The Bruise. More: AP News

Note five: We’ve gotta hand it to the Onion. Their Epstein movie is pretty damn funny. And so, so weird.

Note six: Speaking of movies, the John Candy documentary is here!!! Yay!!! We know what we’re doing with our Friday night. More: USA Today

Note seven: And speaking of awesome people who died, RIP to Sister Jean. If you’re a March Madness fan, then you already know who she is. Rest easy, sister. More: ESPN

Note eight: Well this is delicious. The sleaze over at the Daily Mail are reporting that Pete Hegseth is a botox guy. We hear he has fake tits too. More: Daily Mail

Note nine: The right is so mad about Bad Bunny that they’re doing their own Super Bowl halftime show. We are so fucking excited to not watch it. More: HuffPost

Note 10: C-SPAN really is a blast to watch these days. It’s like watching someone get trapped in an elevator with their own farts.

Note 11: The only debate in the Virginia governor’s race was last night, and it got narsty. We need this one, y’all! More: WUSA9

Note 12: In the NYC mayoral race, Cuomo got a 10-point bump after Adams dropped out, but Zo is still almost at 50 percent in a three-way race. His campaign has the momentum of a runaway freight train. More: NY Daily News

Note 13: We have to admit we totally forgot that Tom Steyer exists. But we’re happy to see he’s dropping a big wad of cash to help us win the redistricting election in California. Now maybe he can buy some fucking tv stations. More: LA Times

Note 14: The Republican governor of Oklahoma is criticizing Trump for sending Texas troops into Illinois. Well that’s one. Now we just need every other Republican to remember the shit they used to pretend to believe. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Oh Portland, you are so beautiful. We’re falling in love with you all over again.

Note 16: The Washington Post is officially a right-wing mouthpiece. And that really, really sucks. More: Mediaite

Note 17: Alex Jones is asking for help from a corrupt and broken SCOTUS. Let’s hope like hell they give him the Ghislaine Maxwell treatment. More: NBC

Note 18: Can someone explain to us what exactly is America First about bailing out some asshole in Argentina? Shouldn’t the MAGA folks be pissed about this? Or are they just that full of shit? More: The Hill

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going back to Portland. Here’s an interview with a man in a chicken suit who is standing up to fascism, and we highly recommend you read it. More: WWeek

Note 20: And on that surprisingly inspirational note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing weekend. Please remember to exercise, eat well and stay the fuck away from RFK Jr. Love y’all!

Note 21: Happy Friday, Sexy Patriots!!!

Weaponization

Yesterday Trump’s former personal attorney convinced a grand jury to indict New York AG Letitia James on two counts of fraud. It’s a horseshit indictment, and it is very obviously Trump using the Department of Justice to go after his political enemies. If a Democrat had pulled this shit, CNN anchors would be openly weeping and Fox News would be marching on the White House with torches and pitchforks. Thank you to AG James for making clear she ain’t scared of this bullshit.

More: CNN

Let’s run the table!

While we’re still about a year from the midterms, we have some really big elections we have to win next month. And while there has been a lot of talk about California, New Jersey and Virginia, three crucial battles in Pennsylvania have been a bit overlooked. Three Democratic judges on the state Supreme Court are up for voters to decide if they should be retained. It’s a simple yes-or-no vote. And Republicans are spending big to bring them down. It’s a little confusing, but the bottom line is we have to win all three of these races and keep all three of these judges on the court. So let’s fucking go.

More: NBC, Bolts Mag

Nobel LOL

Donald Trump is a fucking loser. Yeah, despite his open and pathetic begging for the Nobel Peace Prize, he didn’t win. Because he’s a fucking loser. But also because he’s a very violent man who has unleashed hell on countless people, including in his own country. We’re gonna cheer the fact that Trump didn’t win and try not to dwell too much on the fact that Maria Corina Machado, who did win, has cheered on Trump’s bombing of Venezuelan fishing boats and dedicated her win to Trump. Gross. Oh well. At least fuckhead didn’t win.

More: AP News

Today’s clips

National Guard troops were seen patrolling in Memphis for the first time on Friday, as part of President Donald Trump’s federal task force, which faces multiple legal challenges. More: AP News

Tropical Storm Jerry churned Thursday in the Atlantic on its approach to the Leeward Islands as Tropical Storm Priscilla and Tropical Storm Raymond moved along Mexico’s Pacific coast, threatening heavy rain and flooding in their paths, forecasters said. More: NBC

The chair of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, Jørgen Watne Frydnes, pushed back against suggestions that this year’s Nobel Peace Prize decision was made to spite President Donald Trump’s public campaign for the award. More: Mediaite

White House Communications director Stephen Cheung accused the Nobel Committee of “placing politics over peace” on Friday after the Norwegian panel awarded this year’s Peace Prize to Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado instead of his boss, President Donald Trump. More: Mediaite

Voting equipment company Dominion Voting Systems, a target of false conspiracy theories from President Donald Trump and his supporters since the 2020 election, has been bought by a firm run by a former Republican elections official, the new company announced Thursday. More: AP News

More than two decades later, Congress is on the verge of writing a closing chapter to the war in Iraq. More: AP News