Let’s hit the streets

It’s Monday. There are 386 days until the midterm elections. Good news in Israel, Trump gets his trade war and it’s almost time to hit the streets.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s only appropriate in a world without Diane Keaton.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell are ya? We have much to discuss today as it was another long and fucked up weekend. And as usual, the Sunday news shows totally failed to ask hard questions and hold corrupt politicians to account. Except one. Thank you, George Snuffleupagus!

Yessssssssss. Oh goddamn that feels so good. We’re gonna watch it again. We used to have a concept here at the newsletter we called “news horny.” Basically the idea was stuff in the news that was such good news that it was flat out pornographic. We would put this clip of VP Couchfuck getting shut down for his lies in that category. It was even more satisfying when we saw that Vance ran to twitter to cry like someone stole his sofa.

Most people in positions of authority have turned into pudding in pissy pants. So when we see someone do the right thing, we get excited. So thanks, George. And don’t worry. We discontinued the use of “news horny” after it freaked everyone out. Y’all have a blessed day. More: New Republic

Note two: We’re not kidding about how much we cussed about losing Diane Keaton. A Hollywood legend, an American original and a Top Five all-time crush for Sam. Rest easy. (Sorry. But we’re just not gonna talk about the gross Woody Allen shit.) More: NPR

Note three: If America feels smarter today, it’s because Trump ain’t here. He’s in Israel and then Egypt being an asshole. (Sorry for this link, but it’s the only one we could find that had what we were looking for) More: India Today

Note four: The shutdown has entered Week Three, and Democrats are holding the line. We’re surprised, but we’re grateful. Hold the line! More: MSNBC

Note five: So what did Trump do this weekend? He played golf with his grifting grandkid and told rich assholes they’re getting a tax cut. Fuck him.

Note six: We’ve got elections coming up! What are you doing to win in California, Virginia, New Jersey and Pennsylvania?

Note seven: Maine Gov. Janet Mills got in the U.S. Senate race. We’re not really sure why. It seemed to us like there were already good candidates running. We stay out of primaries. Maybe Washington should do the same. More: HuffPost

Note eight: There is some gnarly weather out there. Y’all be safe. More: NBC News

Note nine: Thank you to everyone who showed up in Portland to get naked and resist. We fucking love that city. More: Associated Press

Note 10: And we’re damn glad to see reinforcements have made it to Chicago…

Note 11: Pam Bondi and Kristi Noem aren’t mad about being mocked on Saturday Night Live. In fact, they think it’s funny. But they’re definitely not mad. More: HuffPost

Note 12: On Friday night, the Trump administration fired hundreds of people from the CDC. Then they started rehiring them. Yeah, it’s a well-oiled machine over there these days. More: NBC News

Note 13: Oh the Trump administration is big scared of us…

Note 14: Congrats to Marc Maron on the end of his podcast. His last guest? A real president. More: NBC News

Note 15: John Oliver ate Bari Weiss’s lunch last night, and it was delicious. More: Mediaite

Note 16: We want to send some love to Joe Biden, who started radiation therapy for cancer. It’s a really easy thing to do unless you’re a total fucking asshole. More: NBC News

Note 17: No, seriously. They are big, big scared of us…

Note 18: Let’s all hold our breaths and hope the corrupt Republican operatives on the Supreme Court don’t finish off free and fair elections in America. More: Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, Tay has a doc coming out in December. This is pretty exciting, but also we were kinda struggling to find a good one today.

Note 20: And on that exciting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. Unless you’re JD Vance. He can eat shit like the lying dirtbag he is. Love y’all!

Note 21: Ok here’s an extra Happy Ending since that one was kinda weak. Here’s a Politico Trump kiss-ass having to remind Trump who she is. Sure it’s gross, but it’s also pretty fucking hilarious to see someone give up their self-respect for Trump and he still doesn’t know who the fuck she is. LOLOL!!!

Good news
The real Happy Ending today is that the surviving Israeli hostages have been released. It’s tempting to be dismissive of this because Trump is doing a grotesque victory lap in which he trashes American presidents and calls for Bibi to be pardoned for corruption. It’s also tempting to think about how many lives and hostages could have been saved if Trump hadn’t derailed a similar peace deal that Biden and Harris put forth just so he could win a goddamn election. But we’re not gonna focus on any of that. Instead we’re going to say that we’re happy that the hostages are free and that, for now, the bombs have stopped. More: NBC News

This what he wanted?
Trump has been playing games with China, and China has apparently had enough. Last week, China responded to Trump’s dumb shit by restricting rare earth minerals. Trump clearly didn’t see this coming, but he decided to act tough and threaten China some more. Then he doubled down and said that 100 percent tariffs are still coming. As you might guess, the markets did not like this. And so Trump had to spend part of his Sunday backing down. We’re sure he and his gross friends got richer from the market manipulation. This is all really, really terrible for the economy. Be glad you’re not a soybean farmer. More: The Guardian, Fox Business

Let’s fucking go
As you can see from the notes section, the Trump administration is terrified of us. Because they know we’re all hitting the streets this weekend for the second big No Kings rally. Last week, we heard Mike Little Johnson say this was going to be a terrorist gathering of the “pro-Hamas” wing of the Democratic Party. Jesus, Mike. Worried much? In fact, Republicans seem to be doing all they can to hype this thing up for us. It’s obvious that they want us to be violent or they are going to send in some outside agitators to make us seem violent. Trump wants to use the Insurrection Act so badly. Oh well, fuck them. We’re marching, and those assholes can’t stop us. Who’s ready? More: MSNBC

Today’s clips
Six months into President Donald Trump’s unprecedented gambit to impose sizable tariffs on imports, U.S. consumers are already shouldering as much as 55% of their costs, according to a new report from Goldman Sachs analysts. More: NBC News

A mass shooting early Sunday at a crowded bar on an idyllic island considered to be the largest Gullah community on the South Carolina coast has left four people dead and at least 20 injured, officials said. More: Associated Press

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent warned that China’s attempt to “overshadow” President Donald Trump’s Gaza peace deal with its export control announcement was “highly inappropriate” and a “miscalculation.” More: Mediaite

Former Trump White House chief strategist and influential far-right commentator Steve Bannon reportedly compared Congress’s role in the second Trump administration to that of the Russian Duma under dictator Vladmir Putin. More: Mediaite

Donald Trump was slammed on Sunday for trying to rewrite yet another part of U.S. history, for his own ends. More: Huff Post