Lake of despair

It’s Tuesday. There are 692 days until the midterm elections. We’re totally going to war with Mexico, Republicans warm to a rapist and some good news in the Senate.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. We promise to stop forever if Kari Lake will just go the eff away.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we’ve been so occupied with the other scum Trump has nominated for his cabinet that we’ve almost slept on what an absolute disaster RFK Jr. would be at HHS. And we’re not alone. Basically everyone who has ever won a Nobel is speaking out…

A-men. Believe it or not, TBS has never won the Nobel, but we’re still grateful to be on their team. And also HOLY FUCKING SHIT MAYBE WE SHOULD LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE!!! We don’t normally do this, but we thought we’d give Senate Democrats a hand and show them what a hearing for RFK should look like…

Senator: So you’re an anti-vaxxer, you don’t deny groping your kid’s baby sitter, you’re an ex-heroin addict, you cut the head off of a whale, ate a grilled dog and have a dead worm in your brain?

RFK Jr.: Thank you, Father. Umbrella palm tree belly button. My pee burns when I go pee pee.

Senate: Jesus. Can we maybe talk to the worm instead?

RFK: I am very excited to rule over Oceania, governor. Now excuse me while I eat my own buttcheek because it’s organic and chemical-free. Pineapple nipple chicken coop.

Senator: God help us all.

It does seem like the worm would have answered better. And it’s dead inside some asshole’s brain! Let’s hope our people in the Senate are ready to do some battle. Otherwise we’re gonna start asking for brain worms too. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Rupert Murdoch had a bad day yesterday. It would sure be a shame if that guy ate shit, fucked off and then rotted in hell for eternity. But we’d get over it. More: AP News

Note three: Rest in Power to a voice that will be truly missed. More: NPR

Note four: They caught the hot guy who killed that CEO and everyone is confused because he was a rich Elon/Rogan tech bro until he had back surgery and disappeared for months and then reemerged to take vengeance on an out-of-touch villain. Sounds like America, don’t it? Also, is the first real life Luigi any of us have ever seen? More: ABC

Note five: Remember when Terminator 2 came out and decent people everywhere were like oh gosh can it really happen and a bunch of psycho nerds were like fuck yeah it’s gonna really happen…

Note six: Want some good news? Trump might have gotten away with a coup, but about 45 of his fellow conspirators are still hung up on state charges that orangey can’t save them from. So that’s fun. More: CNN

Note seven: The New York Times has a story today on all the Bernie bros who became Trump supporters. Everyone pretend to be shocked. More: NY Times

Note eight: We only learned yesterday that Baron Trump is 6-foot-9. So we probably shouldn’t make fun of him since Donald obviously ain’t his daddy.

Note nine: Joe Biden did a good thing yesterday when he made the Carlisle School a national monument. This country did horrible things to Native America kids. It’s nice to have a president who feels bad about it. More: AP News

Note 10: It’s kinda weird to say, but Matt Gaetz has found the perfect job. Hey at least it keeps him away from Chuck E. Cheese.

Note 11: Trump made a lot of money scamming people while he was president. He’s about to put that corruption on steroids. More: NBC

Note 12: Remember how DOJ had a Civil Rights Division that fought to make sure people could vote? Well Trump just announced his choice to lead that office, and it’s about to become anti-civil rights. More: Politico

Note 13: Fox News yesterday accused Jill Biden of being attracted to Trump. Simply because she was nice to him at a public event. These people are sick assholes, and the Biden White House was way too fucking nice to them. More: Media Matters

Note 14: Republicans were cheering the acquittal of one murderous vigilante yesterday while hailing the arrest of another. We’ll let you guess what the difference is.

Two 26-Year-Olds: One Killed a Homeless Man, Another is Suspected of Killing a Healthcare CEO

Note 15: Sigh. America, you fucked up.

Note 16: Every time we get so sad and angry we just want to throw up our hands, we’re reminded that Doodie Pooliani’s humiliating punishment is public and ongoing and that makes us smile and keeps us going. More: Independent

Note 17: Taylor Swift gave everyone who worked on her Eras Tour a bonus. All told, she gave them about $200 million. See, Elon Leon? You can be rich as fuck and not a total piece of shit. More: People

Note 18: If you’re on the dating scene these days, we suggest you follow Hope Walz’s guide to dating. She and her friends have a test — if someone follows Joe Rogan on social media, then you probably shouldn’t go out with them. Makes sense to us! More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to twitter. Yeah, that place is super gross these days, but E. Jean Carroll is still there and she had us crying laughing yesterday…

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a great start. We also hope you’re stocking up on vaccines before RFK Jr. replaces them with magic beans. Love y’all!

Lake of despair

We had forgotten that one of the main traits of a Trump administration is that he is constantly reminding us that shit can and will get worse and the parade of idiots who join him in embarrassing us will be long and ridiculous. You’re horrified by Pete Hegseth one minute, and the next minute you’re reading that he’s thinking about nominating KARI FUCKING LAKE AS AMBASSADOR TO MEXICO. So yeah, America is totally going to war with Mexico. And frankly we’ll understand if Mexico strikes first considering this grotesque insult from us Americans. What a freaking clown show.

More: Semafor

The Pentagon Rapist

After an intense pressure campaign by Fox News and Trump, Senate Republicans look like they will approve credibly accused rapist and problem drinker Pete Hegseth to be Secretary of Defense. Holdout Sen. Joni Ernst, who was sexually assaulted while serving in the military, has decided she’s just fine with Hegseth after MAGA people repeatedly threatened her. What a totally cool and normal way to run a country. Anyway, we hope we’re wrong but it looks increasingly likely that a total fuck-up lunatic sexist is gonna lead the Pentagon.

More: Axios

Yay?

We’re desperate for good news in DC these days, so we’re going with this — yesterday VP Harris swore in some new senators and among them were two really good dudes. Adam Schiff and Andy Kim are now officially United States Senators. We know Schiff will fight and we know Kim might be the best human being in politics, so this was really a welcome sight. Don’t miss it today when Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema are sworn in at they-can-fuck-off o-clock.

More: C-SPAN

Today’s clips

President-elect Donald Trump on Monday appeared to mock Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau after the latter warned that the tariffs Trump has threatened to impose on goods imported from Canada would hurt everyday Americans. More: HuffPost

President-elect Donald Trump talked up daughter-in-law Lara Trump to Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis in an effort to make her Florida’s next U.S. senator, The Wall Street Journal reported Monday. More: HuffPost

Tulsi Gabbard, Donald Trump’s choice to be the country’s top intelligence official, began meeting with key lawmakers this week as the president-elect’s other Cabinet picks returned to the Capitol for additional grilling from senators. More: NBC

The Franklin Fire in Malibu Canyon exploded to nearly 2,000 acres overnight as much of Southern California was under red flag warnings and high risk of dangerous fire spread, prompting evacuations and shelter-in-place protocols at Pepperdine University. More: NBC