Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s ready to kick some serious ass.
Note: Huddle up, Sexy Patriots. It’s pep talk time. Thanks to our union brothers and sisters, we are celebrating Labor Day today. But we’re also putting on our game faces. This is the traditional kick-off to the campaign season, and we figured it’s a good time to come together and get all fired up. This year, we’ve come up with a motto to help guide you down the homestretch. And that motto is fuck ‘em.
Are some of your fellow Democrats acting like Republicans because their primary candidates didn’t win? Fuck ‘em. Is Meet the Press ignoring actual goddaman nazis while asking every Democrat about a twitch streamer? Fuck ‘em. Are Republicans lying to your face while sucking dictator? Fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em all. Of course we don’t want you to literally fuck any of these people. Especially the Republicans. That would be really gross. No, we mean stay focused, ignore the haters and work so hard that on Election Night all these assholes say “oh no we’re fucked.”
We simply cannot afford stupid distractions right now. If we don’t stop Trump now, we will not get another chance. And while it’s tempting to lose our shit over the online idiots who don’t seem to get that or don’t seem to care, we don’t have time for those assheads either. So let’s rock n roll, Sexy Patriots. Pick your races, get involved, contribute where and how you can. Make the calls, knock the doors, do the work. We’ve got 57 days to fuck up some fascists at the polls. Let’s make them count. And as always, fuck Donald Trump. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: To keep with this pep talk theme, we’re going to do a surprise therapy session today at 1 p.m. ET/10 a.m. PT. Join us if you can!
Note three: Every time we see this dunce on tv crapping his pants, we just assume this administration has basically given up. Oh and btw remember when Obama got a deal without getting any soldiers killed or driving the price of gas to record highs?
Note four: LOL. Doodie Pooliani says Mayor Mamdani should stay away from the 9/11 ceremony. Yeah and Doodie should stay away from young girls in Borat movies, Four Seasons landscaping, any and all hair dye and anyplace where you have to be a licensed attorney. What a piece of shit. The people of New York elected Mayor Mamdani. He is the mayor, and he should and will be there. More: ABC7 NY
Note five: Sam got his covid and flu shots Friday, and he only had mild side-effects. His crazy ass even paddled out in the L.A. hurricane waves this weekend. We don’t think the vaccines caused that kind of stupid recklessness. Please get your shots. More: AP
Note six: Meet the Press still wants to talk about Hasan Piker. Remember that picture of Kristen Welker laughing it up with Stephen Miller? Well our Democratic officials should remember it any time they’re gonna go on that GOP show.
NO GODDAMN LINK
Note seven: Everyone enjoying those record-high fuel prices? Thanks, Trump. More: HuffPost
Note eight: John Fetterman says the reason we keep seeing so many reports of him sucking is because of disgruntled staffers. Ok but why are there so many disgruntled staffers? Maybe he should go blow Hannity some more while he’s trying to figure it out. More: CNN
Note nine: Please take note of who is attending Trump’s Texas poo-step this week and punish them accordingly…
Note 10: Remember last week when brainworm felcher fuckhead was trying to raise doubts about whether an unvaccinated person in Pennsylvania died of measles? Well it turns out he was lying because he’s a goddamn liar. More: The Hill
Note 11: In another embarrassing display of submission to Russia, Trump sent his pets to Moscow this weekend to kiss Putin’s taint. They’re headed to Ukraine today. After that, we’re hoping they go fuck themselves. More: HuffPost
Note 12: Trump really doesn’t want to spend his PAC money on Republican candidates this year, and they’ve had to beg him to do so. So it’s newsworthy that he’s putting $10 million into Texas. Pro-tip — If Republicans are worried about losing in Texas, then they are really fucking worried. More: NBC News
Note 13: Hey so what the hell is going on in New Hampshire? Do we need to be worried about this Senate seat? More: PBS
Note 14: We delight in Kyrsten Sinema’s misery, and we won’t apologize for it. Eat shit, Kyrsten. More: NBC News
Note 15: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to congratulate the folks at South Park on their Emmy win. We also want to thank them for using the occasion to troll Trump.
Note 16: And on that victorious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great Labor Day. And if anyone gives you any grief today, fuck ‘em. Love y’all!
Ugly Ohio
An armed man assaulted some people and came damn close to Democratic gubernatorial candidate Amy Acton while she was on the trail yesterday. The alleged assailant is apparently the brother of an ally of Vivek Ramaswamy who was also caught up in some gross child rape shit. Vivek of course spent his weekend at the U.S. Open. We’re so glad Amy and her husband are ok, and we hope Ohio voters remember all this heinous shit in 57 days.
Nazi Salute
So this is pretty scary. Germany’s far right party had a shocking victory yesterday even though they didn’t win a majority, as many had feared. And of course the neo-nazis are thanking Elon and Elon is thanking the neo-nazis. And all of this is happening while Russia is testing the Germans. We don’t mind telling y’all that this stuff scares the living hell out of us. If only we had some kind of press corps that could ask tough questions about the richest man in the world being a nazi. But they save that for streamers.
President Shit-for-brains
We had to make this a news item because the big news organizations are pretending like it didn’t happen. Instead of spending Sunday with his family lol, Trump spent the day on Truth Social posting AI slop and proposing to change the name of New Mexico to New America. The New York Times actually wrote about that one, but they skipped all the rest. Here is a post from Aaron Rupar to give you a real sense of just how fucking nuts Trump (and Natalie) are these days… More: Dispatch, Yahoo News
Today’s clips
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court granted an emergency appeal from Republicans in a dispute over campaign ad prices on Friday, clearing a legal roadblock to political parties getting cheaper TV ad time ahead of the midterm elections. More: AP
Five people are dead and five others are injured after an Amazon-branded cargo plane crashed just outside Miami International Airport on Sunday afternoon, officials said. More: NBC News
President Donald Trump on Sunday unveiled a potential redesign of U.S. Space Force uniforms, and it’s giving sci-fi fans a bad feeling. More: HuffPost
Stella Parton, the sister of Dolly Parton, spoke out against AI-generated slop involving the late country music legend on Friday after President Donald Trump shared a sketch of him and the “Jolene” singer in the wake of her death. More: HuffPost
Yay, woo-hoo and congratulations to South Park! Well deserved Emmy! I eagerly await Sept 16 and the next series of South Park!!!
Stella Parton💪👏👏👏