Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it doesn’t fold like the wusses at Google.
Note: Sexy Patriots! We sure missed you this weekend. We hope you caused some good trouble or got the lawn mowed, whichever struck your fancy. We both spent the weekend sick as dogs. Adam caught an actual virus and Sam made the mistake of learning what Kash Patel is doing to the FBI and can’t stop throwing up…
Hey so um what the effing fuck?! Seriously. What is happening at the FBI and which four-legged friend is Kash doing sex to? If the B in FBI is gonna stand for bestiality now, then the F and the I have to stand for “fucking insane.” And how the hell is this not a bigger news story? For decades we’ve heard that J. Edgar Hoover dressed in women’s clothes, but we barely get a peep when we learn that Kash wants to put his pecker in pets? At least RFK Jr. waits until the raccoon is dead before he starts playing with its tallywhacker.
We have a lot of questions. How many animal-fuckers are applying to the FBI? How long has Kash been fucking animals? Does he fuck all animals or is there a special one he has been in love with for a very long time and he tries to cover it up by having a fake relationship with a country singer while his heart and tiny penis pine for a giraffe named Esmerelda? Sigh. If only we had a real press corps to ask these questions.
Regardless, this is another wild and unsettling disgrace from the Trump administration that the people should know about. If for no other reason, they should know to hide their pets if the FBI comes to their homes. And we thought Kristi Noem was fucked up. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: If you missed it, we did a much-needed therapy session on Friday. You can get caught up here…
Note three: The gutless cowardly scum at Google changed Lake Ontario on Google Maps. They already made their search function suck butt, and now they’re making the rest of the company match. Fucking wanks. More: NBC News
Note four: Brad Lander is one of the politicians we admire most these days. The scum who were yelling in his face this weekend can get fucked. It’s hard to describe how badly this person hurt their cause by going after such a thoughtful and righteous dude. More: CNN
Note five: So this is the crazy fucking shit the president of the United States was posting on Sunday night. Guess there was no family dinner this week. All hail President Slop Bucket…
Note six: You know how Scott Bessent goes around acting like a tough guy while the economy takes a dump on his face? Well it turns out that he’s such a wimp that he can’t even handle being around mainstream media reporters. More: AP
Note seven: Maybe some of the beltway Democrats who can’t stop attacking El-Sayed could take a break and focus on Mike Rogers lying about seeing Osama bin Laden’s body. Or just keep crapping on your own candidates and voters. More: The Guardian
Note eight: Presidential advisor Laura Loomer launched an unhinged and insanely racist attack against Florida Senate candidate Angie Nixon yesterday. For some reason, it didn’t get the same coverage as Hassan Piker. And for some other reasons, Marjorie Taylor Fucking Greene condemned it before Democrats did. What the hell? More: The Hill
Note nine: It was very predictable that Bill Maher would be a total asshole about Dolly Parton. He will never understand her or why we loved her. What a sad old loser. More: HuffPost
Note 10: Speaking of Dolly, y’all have to see this…
Note 11: While we’re talking Hollywood, Sam saw Coyote vs. Acme this weekend and loved every second of it. If you can get to a theater to see this movie, you definitely should. More: AP
Note 12: And human garbage Randy Quaid, best known for playing Uncle Eddie in real life, had a total crashout over the news that Anne Hathaway will star in the sequel to Days of Thunder. We are far more concerned about the Robert Duvall angle. More: HuffPost
Note 13: This man recently met with RFK Jr. And then this happened.
Note 14: Mike Little Johnson and his band of dumbshit losers are back in town. We’ll see if they can keep the government open or really do anything other than kiss orange ass. More: NBC News
Note 15: We’re sending love to the folks who found themselves dealing with a flash flood at the Grand Canyon. This is some scary shit that immediately had us thinking of Nepal. And we figured we’d better say something since the president of the United States probably has no fucking idea this happened. More: The Guardian
Note 16: Trump said yesterday he is reporting Kristin Welker to the FCC “for rebuke or punishment.” Is that how the First Amendment works now? If so, we’d like to report her for being a shit journalist. More: MS Now
Note 17: Remember the assholes who told us we were supposed to be afraid of this guy? Maybe we should always ignore them from now on.
Note 18: This weekend, Trump announced a plan to steal Venezuela’s oil. We’re sure this pillaging will never have unforeseen consequences that someday hurt the American people. More: AP
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we have got to put some respect on Olivia Rodrigo’s name. This weekend, she brought together some real stars to raise $20 million for Planned Parenthood and other crucial organizations. And y’all know how we feel about Stevie Nicks…
Note 20: And on that absolutely gorgeous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an amazing weekend and didn’t catch Kash canoodling with a coyote. What the hell is wrong with that dude? Love y’all!
Pentagon Propadandists
The Pentagon has been secretly paying right-wing freaks on twitter to push their lies and try and make Pete Hegseth look like something other than a total fucking failure. The Washington Post reported this week that several big right-wing accounts are actually being funded by the Defense Department. Can you imagine what a scandal this would have been if Biden or Obama had done it? This all comes as NBC reported this weekend that Hegseth is considering a 2028 run. He really is delusional. And a total fucking asshole to boot.
More: Washington Post
And That Ain’t All
We also learned from leaks this weekend that military leaders are warning Hegseth that the U.S. can’t keep doing Trump’s Iran quagmire because it has left us vulnerable everywhere else, including here at home. Yeah, months of bragging about “maximum lethality” also meant that dipshit was depleting all of our military hardware. So we are officially less safe because of Trump and Hegseth. But at least we’re winning in AI slop world. Great work, assholes.
More: The Independent
Damnit, Jim!
He didn’t do anything wrong, but we’ve always wanted to use that Star Trek line. Yesterday on Meet the Press, Democratic elder Jim Clyburn came out in favor of expanding the court to 12 or 13 seats. Hell fucking yes. The base has been calling for this for a while now, so it’s pretty huge to see Democratic leadership get on board before the midterms. We’re going to ignore the congressman pouring cold water on impeachment talk because this court stuff is the whole ballgame and we are damn glad to see Clyburn on board. Let’s go!
More: The Hill
Today’s clips
MIAMI — Hurricane Karina strengthened Monday into a powerful Category 4 storm in the Pacific Ocean but isn’t threatening land, forecasters said. More: NBC News
Abdul El-Sayed, the Democratic nominee for the Senate in Michigan, apologized to the state’s Jewish Democratic Caucus on Saturday for comments he made after an attack on a synagogue in March, which he tied to Israel’s actions in the Middle East. More: NBC News
A teleprompter operator for President Donald Trump who made online prediction trades based on information from upcoming speeches has been ordered to pay $172,000, a federal agency said Friday night. More: NBC News
It has been touted by the manufacturer as the ballistic missile of the future: lethal, long-range and pinpoint. Lockheed Martin’s Precision Strike Missile has the U.S. military investing billions to update its arsenal.
But a close look at what is believed to be its first use in combat — on the first day of the Iran war — highlights the potential peril of deploying this weapon near population centers because it appears to spray pellets over a wide area, according to a review by the conflict monitor Airwars and interviews with weapons experts and former defense officials. More: AP
NEW YORK (AP) — The Metropolitan Museum of Art is canceling its planned exhibit honoring British designer John Galliano, which had led to severe backlash in the Jewish community and beyond because of the designer’s past antisemitic and racist statements. More: AP
DUBAI, United Arab Emirates (AP) — The United Arab Emirates said that it intercepted an Iranian drone over its waters Monday, an attack that comes after the United States and Iran exchanged fire over the weekend for the first time in a month. More: AP
WASHINGTON (AP) — Massachusetts Democrats will decide the latest head-to-head matchup between the party’s moderate and progressive wings in a state primary Tuesday, but this time, top progressives are backing the incumbent against a more moderate challenger. More: AP
A Republican who called into C-SPAN earlier this month gave President Donald Trump hell over his handling of the economy in his second term. More: HuffPost
They're f***ing the cats. They're f***ing the dogs.
They are insane and Kash Patel is beyond creepy he's a leach.
The whole administration is full of creeps. They all need to be removed and locked up