KKKJD

It’s Monday. There are 316 days until the midterm elections. 60 Minutes falls, the VP goes full KKK and the cover-up continues.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It allows us to tell Nicki Minaj to go eat her cousin’s balls.

Note: Now, Sexy Patriots, y’all know how much we hate political violence. We really hate it. We hate it almost as much as we hate Trump. We condemn it in all its forms. That’s why we’re including a trigger warning ahead of this very violent video. You should definitely not watch it if you have a weak stomach. Or if you don’t want to see a big time Trump supporter get his jaw broken in two places…

LOL. Goddayum. Did you eat breakfast today? If you said yes, then you are not the dumb piece of shit in the video who just got his mouth jacked. Because you know that jaw is wired shut. Mouths aren’t supposed to move like that! Now we know what you’re thinking. Sam and Adam, you’re so hot but why would you celebrate this dude getting rocked if you oppose violence so much? Well thank you for that question.

The man in the video getting punched to hell and back is named Jake Paul. He’s an asshole. He and his brother were obnoxious YouTube streamers who got rich and then Jake decided to become a boxer. He’s more like a circus attraction though. He fights people like Mike Tyson. They all make money, but it ain’t really boxing. Until this weekend when Jake met a real boxer and came away with fewer teeth. Jake Paul is also a huge Trump supporter. In fact, Trump put out a statement praising a hospitalized Logan while completely ignoring the Black Olympic gold medalist who broke the great white dope. That’s Jake Paul. And that’s why we’ve been smiling ever since he got his smile removed.

Yeah, it’s not that we love violence. It’s just that we love metaphors. And also we love watching asshole big-mouth Trump supporters get their jaws broke. So anyway, ENJOY EATING CHRISTMAS DINNER THROUGH A STRAW, MOTHERFUCKER!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Let’s hope more of these Trump guys get into boxing. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It’s Christmas week! So everyone definitely needs some therapy. Join us today at 2 p.m. ET/11 a.m. PT to blow off a little steam. And if you missed last Friday’s, you can catch up here. Oh and since we’re self-plugging (that’s not as dirty as it sounds), here’s a piece we did on the Epstein cover-up.

2 PM ET/11 AM PT on YouTube here or on the Substack app!

Note three: Hey while we’re celebrating bad things happening to bad people, a Russian general was killed by a car bomb in Moscow. It must suck to not know if it was Ukraine or his own government. Oh well. More: NBC News

Note four: Seriously, Nicki Minaj is human garbage. And she’s human garbage who is married to a sex offender. So she probably means all this horseshit and isn’t just angling for a pardon for her creeper scumbag hubby. More: Associated Press

Note five: True story — the New York Times headline on the story here is “Vance Refuses to Take Sides in G.O.P. Fight Over Bigotry.” Now watch this clip…

Note six: For today’s holiday movie recommendations, we’re going with Die Hard and Hot Frosty. Oh and Elise Stefanik dropped out of the New York governor’s race on Friday after Trump fucked her over. This is almost as funny as Hot Frosty. More: NBC News

Note seven: The governor of Louisiana is a Trump-blowing butthead. So of course Trump just named him to be the U.S. envoy to Greenland. We’re so sorry, Denmark. More: NBC News

Note eight: Want to hear a shocking story about the Trump economy? Jim Beam is shutting down production for 2026. It’s surprising for a number of reasons, but mostly because we thought this fucking guy would be driving more people to drink. More: The Guardian

Note nine: We did not win the Powerball this weekend. But if we had, you probably wouldn’t have gotten a newsletter today. More: Forbes

Note 10: Even before Bari’s bullshit last night, it was pretty obvious that CBS has fallen. Here’s Margaret Brennan running interference for child rapists…

Note 11: All the dirtbags gathered in Phoenix this weekend for a Turning Point Klan rally. Well almost all of them. Trump couldn’t make it because he was playing golf. So he phoned it in and threatened to fire his idiot son. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Yeah, those Turning Point freaks are tearing each other apart. It seems that some of them were shocked to learn there are racists and neo-nazis among them and the rest are racists and neo-nazis. If only we could reassure them that they’re all fucking awful. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Over the weekend, Trump fired all our diplomats. Remember Benghazi when Republicans pretended to care about shit like this? More: Associated Press

Note 14: Great news, everyone! Kash Patel is living large in brand-new BMWs thanks to our money. This doesn’t fill us with rage at all. More: MSNOW

Note 15: Like seriously, the New York Times didn’t see any racism at all? And btw, does this motherfucker with eight different names really want to have a fight over authenticity?

Note 16: Colorado Gov. Jared Polis thought he could reason with Trump. He’s learning that ain’t how any of this works. More: Associated Press

Note 17: This is a wild WSJ story from this weekend about Steve Witkoff, the amateur diplomat that Putin requested. Witkoff is working hard to sell out Ukraine. He is even refusing CIA briefings on Russia. So yeah, the fix is in and it always has been. More: Wall Street Journal

Note 18: Remember Rob Schneider? Don’t feel bad. Nobody else does either. He was the “making copies” guy on SNL and later he did Deuce Bigalow. He’s also an asshole Trump guy. And even he thinks Trump’s response to Rob Reiner’s murder was shitty. So congrats to Trump on being more classless than Deuce fucking Bigalow. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going back to our opening theme of Trump tough guys getting knocked the fuck out. Jake Paul wasn’t the only right-wing influence who spent the weekend eating knuckle sandwiches. Accused rapist, trafficker and Barron Trump buddy Andrew Tate had a rough weekend too. LOL.

Note 20: And on that beautiful note of schadenfreud, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an awesome weekend and are about to have an even awesomer holiday week. We also hope that you’re not such a turd that the whole damn world celebrates when you get your face broken. Love y’all!

RIP 60 Minutes
And really we should be saying that for the whole CBS News team. Because they are finished. Last night, 60 Minutes was supposed to run a deeply reported piece about the innocent men that Trump and the U.S. government shipped to an El Salvadoran concentration camp where they were beaten and raped and left for dead. But at the last minute, new CBS head honcho Bari Weiss pulled the piece because it didn’t have a response from Stephen Miller. However the correspondent who made the piece also made clear that it had already passed through the networks’ legal team and was good to go. The obvious truth is that Bari Weiss, who is not and has never been a journalist, spiked this story because it was going to make Trump look like shit. And that’s pretty rich coming from a self-proclaimed free speech warrior. So yeah, this is the end of CBS News and 60 Minutes. What a fucking shame. If you subscribe to Paramount+, today would be a good day to cancel it. More: NBC News, Mediaite

KKK JD
What if a guy had sex with furniture and that wasn’t the grossest or weirdest thing about him? Well that’s Jalopy Dickmouth (JD) Vance. At the Turning Point rally this weekend, Vance made a big show of making clear that he is fine with neo-nazis and racists making up the base of his party. Vance blew all the dog whistles like he was blowing Trump. Normally this kind of thing would be disqualifying and a major scandal. But Republicans and the mainstream media are totally cool with overt white nationalism these days. Vance did finally stand up for his wife, but only as a way to get in a dig at Jen Psaki. More: Associated Press, HuffPost

Cover-up
By now it is very obvious that Trump and his DOJ are covering up for Epstein’s friends who raped children. It’s also very obvious that they’re doing this because Donald Trump was one of those friends. Over the weekend, we saw as White House spokespeople tried to lie on twitter only to get fact-checked with community notes over and over again. DOJ even got caught taking down photos of Trump before redacting his face and putting them back up. This is the most obvious and evil cover-up in American political history, and the press needs to act like it. Thank you to Reps. Massie and Khanna for continuing the fight for the survivors and the truth. More: The Guardian

Today’s clips
Erika Kirk had an ironic slip of the tongue during Turning Point USA’s AmericaFest this weekend. More: HuffPost

As Washington state residents take stock of widespread damage, officials say the recent succession of storms highlights why proactive work to protect communities from flooding is so essential. But the Trump administration has delayed or attempted to cut federal funding for some of those projects, leaving a slate of the state’s major initiatives in limbo. More: NBC News

The Republican-led House and Senate adjourned Thursday until the new year with no solution on expiring health care subsidies under the Affordable Care Act, meaning insurance premiums for about 22 million Americans will rise next month. More: NBC News

Late-night host Jimmy Kimmel will warn the UK of rising “fascism” on Christmas Day as he becomes the chosen face of Channel 4’s 2025 “alternative” speech that will air at the same time King Charles addresses the British citizens on the BBC. More: Mediaite

The leaders of Denmark and Greenland insisted Monday that the U.S. won’t take over Greenland and demanded respect for their territorial integrity after President Donald Trump ‍announced the appointment of a ‌special envoy to Greenland. More: Mediaite