Killing grannies; slapping fannies

It’s Thursday. There are 474 days until the midterm elections. Republicans kill PBS and lots of humans, more news about Trump and his best friend Epstein and America doesn’t like the president.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it’s not Don Jr. Can you fucking imagine?

Note: Are we having fun, Sexy Patriots? After months of endless hell and bullshit, Trump is finally and actually sweating over something, and it has been reinvigorating to watch him sweat like the guilty pig he is. But what has been even more fun — and frankly shocking to watch — is the army of QAnon loser freaks who are turning on their orange daddy…

Whoa! And that guy was the first person to ever tell Trump about how Sasquatch abducted him onto a spaceship where he learned about how Tom Hanks molested a talking yorkie. Yeah, he’s an OG Trump Nutjob, and even he has flipped. Sorta. Since this is coming as such a painful blow to the legions of people who had their heads stuck up the flatulating ass of a gameshow host, we thought we would offer some more mind-blowing facts for them to take in that might help ease the transition to reality…

• Water is wet

• The sky is blue

• Donald Trump is orange

• Donald Trump lied about everything

• Donald Trump is a rapist

• Donald Trump is an asshole

• Donald Trump is a fucking moron

• Donald Trump is a racist piece of shit

• Donald Trump was Jeffrey Epstein’s best friend

• Donald Trump talked about having sex with his own goddamn daughter

• Donald Trump hates you and thinks you’re an idiot and he’s kinda right

• Donald Trump sucks. Seriously, he just sucks in a billion different ways.

There. That oughta get them started. It’s gonna be tough for them to adjust to a world where one of history’s most embarrassing dumbfucks doesn’t tell them what to think and do, but we have faith they can do it. Sorta. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Let’s start with some news you can laugh at today. Yesterday Don Jr. rang the opening bell at the New York stock exchange to kick off public trading of some gun company. An hour later, the company’s stock was in the shitter. LOL! Great work, Don! More: CNBC

Note three: And while we’re talking presidential sons who should probably take some time off, Hunter Biden is offering his thoughts on why Democrats lost last year. Dude, we’ve been supportive, but you need to fuck off with this shit. More: HuffPost

Note four: How desperate is Trump for a distraction right now? He’s telling wild lies about Coke bringing back cane sugar. Imagine if Biden had oh fuck it. More: NBC News

Note five: And while we’re questioning the cognitive abilities of an obviously deranged moron, here he is not remembering he was the one who appointed Jerome Powell. Someone get Tapper on the phone! Try calling Lara Trump’s ass!

Note six: Trump henchman Emil Bove is getting his confirmation vote today. Cory Booker is asking if Bove was involved in the Epstein shit. Are Democrats actually learning how to fight? More: The Hill

Note seven: LOLOL! Need a laugh? Trump said he obliterated Iran’s nuclear program. But the U.S. intel community says he only took out one of three sites. Mission accomplished, dumbass! More: NBC News

Note eight: Need another laugh? Elon Leon’s favorable rating is at 23 percent, according to a new CNN poll. Syphilis has better numbers. More: Mediaite

Note nine: Theo Von, a bro podcaster, wants to know why Jelly Donut (JD) Vance has changed his tune on Epstein. Git him, Theo. Whoever you are. More: Politico

Note 10: This is Curtis Sliwa. He’s a nutjob who is running for mayor of NYC. We’re all in on Mamdani, but this is some top-notch rhyming…

Note 11: Bullshit Bondi is going to Alcatraz today. Maybe that’s where she’s going to bury the Epstein files. More: ABC7

Note 12: This is a hard fucking read. Rumeysa Ozturk wrote a piece in Vanity Fair about being detained by ICE for 45 days for writing an op-ed. This is America’s shame. More: Vanity Fair

Note 13: LOLOL! Even Mike Pence is calling for Trump to release the Epstein files! Pence sucks, but he sure is good for comic relief these days. More: CBS News

Note 14: There’s been a lot of chatter about the Obamas’ marriage. We’ve successfully ignored almost of it. But they say they’re good, and that makes us happy. More: ABC News

Note 15: DO NOT eat the ground bork. We don’t know what it is, but we’re pretty sure it’s some gross RFK shit.

Note 16: One of the guys Trump pardoned for Jan. 6 was just convicted by a jury for child porn. Trump certainly has a type. More: KCRA

Note 17: And while we’re talking California, the state is going to provide an LGBTQ suicide hotline after Trump got rid of it. It’s nice that at least some Americans aren’t total assholes. More: KTVU

Note 18: We were excited to see Gavin Newsom is going to fight fire with fire by redistricting the state’s congressional seats to combat what Trump is doing in Texas. We should have known there are people in our own party who would rather claim the high road and get their asses kicked. More: Politico

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Bill O’Reilly. Oh those jokes just write themselves, don’t they? Anyway, here is the loofah guy making a total fool of himself. Again.

Note 20: And on that delicious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is going ok. And since you weren’t best friends with Jeffrey Epstein, you’re probably doing better than Trump. Love y’all!

Goodbye to some greats
While you were asleep, Senate Republicans voted to take back $9 billion in federal spending, gutting public broadcasting and killing off more foreign aid. Collins and Murkowski voted against, but nobody gives a shit. Republicans even killed amendments that would have preserved public broadcasting for rural areas that depend on public radio for weather alerts. So yeah, Senate Republicans just voted to kill more people because Trump thinks the cowards at NPR are too mean to him. The bill now goes to the House where we’re sure it will pass after a bunch of assholes claim they don’t like it but will vote for it anyway. More: HuffPost

Another Comey?!
After spending his day totally crashing out over the Epstein stuff, Donald Trump decided to make the situation worse. So he and Bondi fired James Comey’s daughter, who was a prosecutor in New York and who helped convict Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell. So we now believe that Trump personally had Epstein killed. Because if he’s innocent, then he has handled this worse than anyone has ever handled anything. Anyway, the American people want answers, and nobody is believing Trump’s bullshit. A Reuters poll found that almost 70 percent of Americans think Trump is pulling a cover-up. Keep hitting him with this gross shit, Democrats. More: Reuters, Associated Press

Poopy poll numbers
We have some good news and some bad news. The good news is Americans really don’t like Trump or what he’s doing in office. The bad news is they still fucking elected him. This week we got new poll numbers that make clear Trump’s approval ratings are in the pooper. CNN has him at 42/58, Civiqs has it at 42/55, Quinnipiac is 41/54 and YouGov is 41/55. Seems pretty damn consistent to us. There is actually more bad news though. While Trump is sucking butt, so are Democrats. The Q poll has congressional Democrats’ approval at 19/72 percent. 19 fucking percent! We’re gonna have to do a lot better if we want to save this country. More: Rolling Stone

Today’s clips
Britain will lower the voting age from 18 to 16 by the next national election as part of measures to increase democratic participation, the government announced Thursday. More: NBC News

Protests and events against President Donald Trump's controversial policies that include mass deportations and cuts to Medicaid and other safety nets for poor people are planned Thursday at more than 1,600 locations around the country. More: NBC News

Jack O’Donnell, the former president of Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City, told CNN on Wednesday that he once reprimanded President Donald Trump in the 80s for bringing a 19-year-old into the casino with Jeffrey Epstein in the early hours of the morning. More: Mediaite

An awkward moment shown on the big screen at a Coldplay concert has led many to believe a couple was caught in the middle of an affair. More: Mediaite

In a stunning rebuke of President Donald Trump’s judicial nominee Emil Bove, more than 900 former Justice Department attorneys on Wednesday condemned Bove’s “assault” on DOJ employees and urged senators to “rigorously examine” his record before considering voting for him. More: HuffPost

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