Killer Kristi strikes again

It’s Thursday. There are 481 days until the midterm elections. Trump makes coffee more expensive like an idiot, RIP to America’s space program and Kristi Noem got people killed.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t kill NASA.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How are you handling the heat and the stupid? They’re both pretty overwhelming these days. It really blows our minds just how fast America has become the dystopian hellhole we used to see in the futuristic movies of our youth. Except way dumber. We get the Terminator, but he says a lot of nazi shit and then bursts into flames. They even got McDonald’s…

Ok first of all the password thing is fucking hilarious. It’s literally a joke from Spaceballs where they say that’s the combination “an idiot puts on his luggage.” Second of all, why the hell is a burger joint using AI? Well, we have a whistleblower on the inside to get the full scoop. Please welcome R. McDonald. No wait that’s too obvious. Please welcome Ronald M.

Us: Hey Ronald!

Ronald McDonald: Hey guys! Love the newsletter!

Us: Thanks! We love your fries. So what the fuck is happening at McDonald’s?

RM: It’s a damn mess. And I know what went wrong. Everything was going fine until we let some orange clown work for us for a day. Since then, the whole damn chain has gone to shit.

Us: Oh wait. We know who you’re talking about.

RM: Yep, the dumb motherfucker who is screwing up the country is also bringing down McDonald’s. And what’s with all that make-up? He looks ridiculous!

Us: No argument there. Was he the one who changed the password to 12345.

RM: No, I can’t blame him for that. He wanted it to be PASSWORD.

Us: Yeah, that tracks. Well thanks for joining us and tell Grimace we said hi.

RM: Grimace is dead. Trump killed him. And he pardoned the Hamburglar. Everything has gone to shit.

Yikes! That was far more depressing than we anticipated. We knew Trump was a chaos machine, but we had no idea he was wreaking such havoc in the world of fast food mascots. What an asshole. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Who needs some therapy? Trick question. We all do. So get ready for our Thursday Therapy session today at 4 p.m. ET / 1 p.m. PT. We will notify you when we go live!

Note three: Not only is Los Angeles being occupied and terrorized by federal troops, but Trump is refusing to give the state relief money from this year’s fires. We’re getting closer and closer to launching a Cali secessionist movement. It’s their damn money and Trump is acting like it’s his. More: Washington Post

Note four: The FEMA director has been totally missing since the floods hit Texas, and it’s a non-story. Can someone please tell the New York Times and CNN that Biden did this so they’ll actually talk about it? More: The Hand Basket

Note five: So we don’t want to alarm y’all, but this is pretty fucking alarming…

Note six: It’s pretty darn insane that the richest man in the world turned his AI bot into a rapey Hitler and it was barely a story. Apparently rich white dudes get a pass for antisemitism like they do everything else. More: CBS News

Note seven: Yesterday Linda Yaccarino, the so-called normie who Elon Leon brought in to keep advertisers from jumping ship, announced she’s leaving twitter. We wish her luck in finding her next gig spreading child abuse material and nazi shit. See you in hell, Linda. More: CNBC

Note eight: The Trump cult has suddenly decided that Epstein ain’t so bad and that raping and trafficking children is no biggie. Keep your kids away from these fucking degenerates. More: Mediate Matters, Mediate Matters II

Note nine: A DOJ whistleblower gave emails to Congress that show how the Trump administration destroyed Kilmar Abrego Garcia’s life, lying and smearing him at every turn despite a lack of evidence. More: New Republic

Note 10: The biggest difference between Zohran Mamdani and Dean Phillips is that we know who Mamdani is and we forgot Dean existed. But at least he got himself on television and that’s the important part. It’s stunning how many people in our party are allergic to winning.

Note 11: Wow. One of the biggest Trump twitter kiss-asses just got a nomination to be ambassador to Malaysia. We are going to see a day when CatTurd works for the federal government, aren’t we? More: SCMP

Note 12: We almost didn’t share this one with you because it will melt your brain. A woman that is being detained at one of Trump’s camps says she still supports him. We are vehemently opposed to these deportations except for her. She’s too dumb to be here, and we won’t miss her. More: BBC

Note 13: The Secret Service tailed and bugged James Comey and his wife after he posted that 86 thing. Goddamnit, Trump. Don’t make us defend Comey! More: New York Times

Note 14: If you want to be really, really embarrassed to be an American, then check out this story about Trump being shocked that a native-English speaker from Africa speaks English so well. We would point out that his English is much, much better than Trump’s. More: Huff Post

Note 15: LOL! They’re still talking about locking up Obama. Go ahead, freaks. We fucking dare you.

Note 16: Now that Thom Tillis is retiring, his spine is starting to grow back. He went off on Trump while on CNN. Don’t buy it. He’ll still help his orange daddy however he can. More: The Hill

Note 17: Thank you to Lawrence O’Donnell for calling out Steve Douchey and the most pathetic White House press corps in history. More: Mediaite

Note 18: Los Angeles has really been through it this year. In addition to fires and military occupation, the city saw an industrial tunnel collapse last night with workers trapped inside. Thank goodness all 31 workers made it out safely. More: Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Puerto Rican global superstar Bad Bunny, who has done the impossible — he has imagined Trump apologizing for being such a bigoted dickhead. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that catchy note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there. We also hope the McDonald’s AI bot doesn’t kill us all. Love y’all!

$20 coffee
Remember how the whole fucking 2024 election was about higher prices? Well Trump is about to make coffee and orange juice way more expensive unless Brazil lets his criminal buddy walk free. In a totally unhinged letter to Brazil’s president posted on social media, Trump threatened Brazil with 50 percent tariffs unless they let criminal ex-president Jair Bolsonaro go after his coup attempt. Gosh, we wonder why Trump cares about that. Between this and his efforts to protect Bibi from his corruption charges, it’s quite obvious that Trump is eager to use the power of the United States of America to protect right-wing criminals. Are we great again or what?

Brazil respond to Trump 50% tariff with 'reciprocity'

Speaking of Spaceballs
You might have wondered these last few years if anything could be stupider than farming out our space program to a drugged out South African neo-nazi. It turns out the answer is yes. Trump announced yesterday that Transportation Secretary and former reality television contestant Sean Duffy will be taking over at NASA. Duffy is usually seen on Fox News pissing himself at the thought of riding the big scary New York subway. So he’s a perfect fit for a job that used to be held by astronauts and scientists. But it actually gets worse. More than 2,000 senior staffers at the once-proud agency are being pushed out. So yeah, the American space program is dead, and Trump killed it. More: The Guardian, Politico

Killer Kristi
Kristi Noem has struck again. The infamous dog-killer totally fucked up the response to the floods in Texas. CNN reported yesterday that Noem has a rule requiring her personal sign-off on any expenses more than $100,000 over at FEMA. So that meant a 72-hour delay in dispatching FEMA’s Urban Search and Rescue crews while hundreds of Texans were still missing. We don’t believe it’s a stretch to say our incompetent DHS secretary is responsible for American deaths. Noem was on Fox News this morning attacking CNN and claiming fake news, but it’s true and it should be a major scandal. More: Mediaite

Today’s clips
The Bishop of the Archdiocese of San Bernardino, California, wrote a letter to churchgoers in his region dispensing them of the obligation to attend Sunday mass due to fear of potential immigration operations. More: CBS News

The dismantling of Harvard’s diversity offices arrived at Harvard College on Wednesday as websites for centers serving minority students, LGBTQ students, and women disappeared suddenly and without fanfare. More: The Harvard Crimson

Donald Trump on Wednesday announced plans to impose a 50% tariff on copper imported into the United States, a move that quickly drew heat from critics. More: HuffPost

A former Washington Post columnist has opened up about why his title wasn’t “worth keeping at any cost” after he quit the Jeff Bezos-owned paper and accused editors of killing a column for being “too opinionated.” More: HuffPost

Disgraced former Congressman George Santos assured fans on Wednesday as he headed to prison that if he dies while serving his sentence, that wasn’t his plan. More: Yahoo

The latest from Adam