Kamala makes Trump tremble

Today’s Big Stuff. September 22, 2024. Surprise Sunday Edition!

It’s Sunday. There are 44 days until the general election. Elon Leon is a wimp, Kamala makes Trump tremble and America really likes the Democratic nominee. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Even on Sunday. Especially on Sunday. 

Note: Hey, Sexy Patriots. Hell yeah we’re doing a special Sunday edition. Because we love hanging out with your hot asses and the defense of democracy doesn’t take days off. Ok it does sometimes. Anyway what makes this edition extra special is today’s TBS is for our women readers. Guys, you can take the day off. Or keep reading. It’s a free-ish country. 

Ok now that we’re alone, we just wanted to tell you the good news. We know this seems unlikely coming from us, but it turns out that Donald Trump knows how depressed you are and you aren’t going to have to think about anything anymore, including abortion, because he’s gonna totally fix everything for you. Yeah, so great news, right? Try not to notice that he keeps shouting that at you. But don’t you feel totally comforted and not at all freaked the fuck out? 

What the… Seriously what the hell is wrong with this fucking guy? He literally turned his demented all-caps serial killer midnight Truth Social rant into a part of his goddamn stump speech. That’s not hyperbole, folks. He really did. He thought that unsettling crazy shit sounded so good that he thought he should say it out loud and with everybody watching. So yeah, we were totally kidding about this being good news for women because that is some alarming Ted Bundy shit. And we probably shouldn’t make Ted Bundy president. Right? Y’all have a blessed day. 

Note two: We hope all the dude Sexy Patriots didn’t leave. We were just kidding. We’ve still got a lot of news to do like how Democrats are seizing on the Black Nazi KKK slavery dude who likes to be peed on by his sister’s wife. Jesus. The shit that comes out of our keyboards these days… More: NBC News

Note three: The MyPillow guy appears to be getting in on the nazi scene too. But it’s not like that ride was heading for a happy or honorable ending. If ever there was a candidate to die of autoerotic-asphyxiation at a McDonald’s playground… More: Huff Post

Note four: Nobody is really talking about it, but we still get a VP debate, right? Because we are damn eager to watch Coach Walz give Jumpshot Dookiebreath (JD) Vance a proper spanking. More: ABC News

Note five: So yeah, this fucked up shit is getting even more fucked up. We think what Nuzzi did stinks for a million reasons, but it’s horseshit to give a pass to the dog-eating brainworm asshole who was apparently bragging about getting nude photos from a woman. You’d think a roided out anti-vaxx freak who desecrates bear and whale corpses would have more class than that. More: The Daily Beast

Note six: Did you get your Trump coin? Or your Melania Christmas ornament? Sure seems like a going-out-of-business sale for the Trumps, don’t it? We’ve been cooking up a scheme for years to sell locks of (not Trump’s) hair to all his rubes and rob them blind, but he beat us to it. And if you want to know, we actually got the hair from mountain goats who died of natural causes. They smell horrible. More: Independent

Note seven: It should have been bigger news that right after his unhinged screed about women Friday night, Trump called Stephanie Ruhle a “bimbo.” And since the mainstream media has largely given up, we’re pointing it out for a second day in a row. More: Huff Post

Note eight: Sigh. Janet Jackson broke our hearts this weekend. Like we know we shouldn’t be surprised that someone who grew up with Michael and LaToya going QAnon, but it still sucks. Let’s hope someone shows her some actual news. More: NBC News

Note nine: We know you’re gonna be shocked about this but it turns out that Republicans were full of shit when they said they’d pass legislation to help women and children after Roe came down. More: CNN

Note 10: We’re sorry we missed this yesterday. But here’s a little something to get your feet and booty moving on this Sunday. We love y’all, and we’ll see you tomorrow. 

So tough
Mr. Free Speech Elon “Leon” Musk finally gave in and agreed to Brazil’s demands, quietly surrendering after weeks of attacking the Brazilian government after they shut down Twitter. It’s nice to see a country stand up to this lunatic, and we’re really hoping this is the start of more to come. But let’s not forget this mega dork is still trying to buy our elections. Let’s all go Brazilian and stand up to him. lol More: The Guardian

Orange face; yellow pants
Donald Trump is a chickenshit coward. Yeah, we know you already know that, but Kamala Harris proved it again on Saturday by agreeing to an Oct. 23 debate on CNN and daring Trump to join her. Almost immediately Trump began peeing himself wildly, ruining two pairs of pants, three giant red ties and his shoes. Kamala damn near scared him to the point of dehydration. So there he was in North Carolina a couple hours later, telling everyone it’s “too late” to debate. If you need us to translate, that’s chickenshit for “I’m scared and urinating on myself.” So now it’s our job to keep calling that gutless wimp a chickenshit every chance we get. Sound like a plan? More: CNBC

Rolling!
It’s been a while since we got a new poll from NBC, but it was worth the wait. In a head-to-head, MVP is beating Trump 49-44. But perhaps more importantly, Harris’s favorability ratings have jumped 16 points. According to NBC, that’s the biggest jump for any politician since George W. Bush in the days after 9/11. And it’s not just her. Coach Walz is +7 favorability (40-33). The other side ain’t doing so hot. Trump is underwater (40-53) and the couch-fucking racist asshead has a 32 percent(!!!) favorability rating while 45 percent hold an unfavorable view. Yikes. It’s almost like loving couches more than women makes you a shitty candidate. Just a heads up that CBS polled the battleground states, and we are still very much in for the fight of our lives. All gas, no brakes. More: NBC News, CBS News

Today’s clips
Springfield Mayor Ron Rue has spent over a week scrambling to respond to a wave of bomb threats while subtly noting how the tab to keep people safe is growing daily.

“This is costing the city. We’re definitely in the hundreds of thousands of dollars in expense. We haven’t calculated the overtime, the contracts that need to be secured to be able to secure and communicate… take care of our city,” Rue told CNN’s Boris Sanchez earlier this week. More: CNN

The nation’s wealthy opened their wallets in August with a focus on election season, donating millions to the super PACs backing Vice President Kamala Harris, former President Donald Trump and Democrats and Republicans throughout the country, according to monthly reports filed with the Federal Election Commission on Friday. More: NBC News

Birmingham police said multiple people fired multiple shots on a group of people just after 11 p.m. Saturday night in Birmingham Five Points South. It happened outside Hush, a hookah and cigar lounge on Magnolia Avenue. More: WVTM13