‘Just Sit Back and Relax’

It’s Monday. There are 155 days until the midterm elections. A tough call in Maine, Kevin says the economy is doing great and Trump’s dumb war goes on.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it’s not the asshole who let Tina Peters out.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it was another rough weekend for the Trump kids as their father once again opted to spend his free time crashing out on Truth Social instead of throwing a ball around with them. But that’s ok. It’s too late to save Don Jr. anyway. And for the first time in maybe ever, we actually enjoyed one of Trump’s social media freakouts. Because they confirmed for the billionth time that ol’ cankles is a big goddamn loser…

LOLOL!!! Well this is just the funniest, most pathetic shit ever. America is turning 250 and we can even get C+C fucking Music Factory to perform because the president of the United States is a radioactive pud. Like are we supposed to believe that Trump is doing great with the Iranians but lost a negotiation with Milli Vanilli? This ain’t just embarrassing for President Pisspants. This is embarrassing for all of us. America is basically the Starlight Lounge in Reno and even the Oak Ridge Boys are telling us they’re busy washing their hair.

The good news is they did find a replacement. The new lineup is The Fabulous JD and His Seven Sofa Sirens, Stephen Miller playing the triangle, Susie Wiles is gonna riverdance and Scott Bessent will be performing the National Anthem with a kazoo in his anus. We know it sounds awful, but it’s the best they could do. But don’t worry. They’re probably handling all the important shit just fine. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: California! We need y’all to step up this week. The primaries are tomorrow. We’re not telling you who to vote for, but we are telling you that Chad Bianco, Steve Hylton and Spencer Pratt are worthless pig-fucking shitbags. More: AP

Note three: And it ain’t just the Golden State. We’ve got a busy month of elections all over the freakin’ place. And as always, our friends at Bolts Mag have us covered with a comprehensive preview. More: Bolts Mag

Note four: The NBA finals are set! We’re not picking sides unless Trump starts claiming the Knicks. And then we’ll be Spurs fans for life.

Note five: Happy Pride Month!!! Piss off the bigots by embracing and loving your LGBTQ+ friends. Because what kind of fucking loser is still homophobic in the year 2026?

Note six: We did a bonus therapy session Friday. You can get caught up here if you missed it. We’re gonna try to do two or three of them this week.

Note seven: This story is fucking hilarious. Greg “Little Bitch Nazi” Bovino is trying like hell to stay relevant and start shit. Unfortunately, everywhere he goes has a sign that said “You Must Be This Tall to Start a Race Riot.” Poor Greg. More: Mother Jones

Note eight: We got some great news on Friday as a judge told Trump to get his fucking dirty ass name off our Kennedy Center. Trump took it really well. Just kidding. More: Yahoo News

Note nine: Trump’s slush fund for cop–beaters and pedophiles is on life support because even his own party is horrified by it. Or at least they claim to be. More: The Hill, NBC News

Note 10: We know we’re a broken record on this, but goddamn this guy is good…

Note 11: Tina Peters gets out of prison today. We sure hope Jared Polis spends the day eating shit. Fucking asshole. More: The Hill

Note 12: John Oliver brought the heat this week, laying out just how corrupt Trump’s pardons have been. We think this should be one of the Democratic House’s first non-ICE investigations. Because this is some of the most corrupt shit we’ve ever seen. More: HuffPost

Note 13: If you’re like us, you’ve been demanding House leadership get their asses on the ground where facism is flaring. So thank you to Hakeem Jeffries for doing exactly that…

Note 14: We don’t know what the hell Gov. Mikie Sherrill is thinking, but the riot cops outside Delaney aren’t the good guys. The protesters are. More: WHYY

Note 15: The MSM don’t care, but we think it’s actually a pretty big deal that the Minnesota Republican Party held a moment of silence for the piece of shit who murdered George Floyd. More: The Independent

Note 16: The Trump presidency is bad for everyone’s health. Including Trump’s. Yeah, on Friday his fake doctors released a bullshit report about his health. And ol’ boy has put on 14 pounds in the last year. Maybe his ample orange ass should stop calling other people fat. More: The Independent

Note 17: What the effing fuck even is this gibberish? He left the Iranian military alone? What?

Note 18: It should be a much bigger story that Trump is so close to the Epstein files that he is literally purging his party of anyone who tried to get the truth out. But also, Nancy Mace can eat a big pile of shit and we enjoy laughing at her misfortune. More: The Hill

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to CNN. Hey they need the viewers and we felt like doing some charity work. But we wanted to highlight both-sides weasel Harry Enten’s take on where Democrats stand going into the midterms. We’ve got this, Sexy Patriots. Now let’s run it up! More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that promising note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an amazing weekend and didn’t spend it getting told to fuck off by Milli Vanilli. Because that would be so pathetic it might make us cry. Love y’all!

Our Maine Man

Phew. This is a tough one, Sexy Patriots. Over the weekend, a former staffer for Graham Platner went public to the NYT and WSJ about Platner sexting with multiple women who aren’t his wife. Add this to the nazi tattoo stuff and horrifying Reddit posts, and it’s really not hard to see why so many Democrats are squeamish about this dude. But that ain’t our call. Frankly, we thought about this all weekend and our main takeaway is that we’re glad we don’t live in Maine and have to decide between an obviously and deeply flawed candidate (and human) and Susan fucking Collins. We tend to think Susan has done a hell of a lot more damage than Graham has, so we’re sure as not gonna give anyone any shit for supporting Graham. But we’re not gonna attack people who don’t either. Good luck, Mainers.

More: HuffPost

So long, 60!

So last week Bari Weiss fired the good journalists at 60 Minutes and replaced them with a lazy tech guy who has no broadcast experience. So surely it can’t get any worse, right? Wrong!

More like Kevin Asshead

Shit-eating grin guy Kevin Hassett hit the Sunday shows this weekend to tell us the economy is actually doing great. No one can afford gas or ground beef, but sure things are great. Now none of this is exactly breaking news, so why are we sharing this in the news section? Because we want you to see the video of this bitch making clear that the Trump administration is more worried about credit card companies than regular Americans. In a Democratic administration, this would be called a gaffe and a scandal. But with these fuckers, it’s just another Sunday…

More: bsky.app

About that Arrangement

We regret to inform you that Axios and their friends in the MSM got it wrong again. Despite telling us all on Friday that Trump and the Iranians were close to a deal, the missiles are still flying, the hardliners have taken power in Tehran and Trump is still stuck. Around 1 a.m. last night, Trump once again claimed that Iran is desperate to make a deal, and he blamed his American critics for constantly telling the truth about his weak (and bruised) hands. “Just sit back and relax,” he said. Sorry, but there is no universe where a rapist warmonger telling people to relax is actually gonna help people relax. Fucking creep. Maybe this week, Axios and other other beltway butt-smoochers should try confirming some shit before reporting it. Just an idea.

More: The Guardian

Today’s clips

The progressive political commentators Cenk Uygur and Hasan Piker said Monday they had been barred from entering the United Kingdom to speak at events. More: NBC News

Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear said Sunday that “Texas is in play” for Democrats in this year’s Senate race after state Attorney General Ken Paxton beat Sen. John Cornyn in last week’s Republican primary. More: NBC News

An experimental vaccine from Moderna shows promise in keeping deadly skin cancer from returning for years, according to new clinical trial results. More: NBC News

NEW YORK (AP) — New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani did not attend an annual parade honoring Israel on Sunday, breaking with a decades-long political custom because of his support of Palestinian rights. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The world is getting more uptight about lending money to President Donald Trump’s government — causing interest rates to climb in ways that are worsening affordability pressures, hampering economic growth and creating a new risk for Republicans in November’s midterm elections. More: AP

Graham Platner’s wife called the media reports that her husband had previously exchanged sexually explicit text messages with several women “shameful” over the weekend, the latest controversy to hit the Maine Democrat’s whirlwind Senate campaign. More: AP

Serena Williams is officially making her comeback to professional tennis.

Williams, 44, first teased her return on Monday morning with a social media video from longtime sponsor Nike. In the 17-second clip, Williams can be seen on the tennis court walking over to her buzzing phone while text reading “Guess everybody heard the news” is then shown. More: ESPN