Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Because that Ides of March stuff turned out to be bullshit.
Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots, and welcome to another week of stupid and deadly shit courtesy of the dumbest world leader in the history of this globe. But we’re not doing history lessons today. No, today we’re doing a journalism lesson. Trump has continued his habit of calling reporters on their cell phones to make them feel special and bad at their jobs. In exchange, those reporters make the incompetent and idiotic look, well, still incompetent and idiotic. But it makes the reporters look that way too.
This weekend, Trump did a phone call with Kristen Welker and NBC News. He told his usual lies about how great the Epstein War is going and bragged about how totally demolished Iran’s Kharg Island is. Then he said — “We may hit it a few more times just for fun.”
JUST FOR FUN?! WHAT THE EFFING FUCK?! The president ain’t just a moron; he’s a goddamn psycho. And NBC put this in the fourth paragraph! THAT SHOULD BE THE GODDAMN LEDE!!! And it got worse from there, last night on Air Force One, Trump lost his shit at reporters, ignored questions about fallen soldiers and then retreated to write some Truth Social novels that suggest he was wearing warpaint on his face he made out of his own doodie.
Our point is this — Donald Trump has lost what little of his fucking mind he had left to begin with and the goddamn media need to start acting like it. Yes, the beltway media are all so precious and smart that they keep getting exclusively lied to, but maybe they could think about the rest of the country and the world on occasion. Or just wait until Trump starts listening to this fucking nutjob and we’re all dead…
Jesus. Anyone vote we nuke Newt instead? Yeah, us too. Y’all have a blessed day. More: NBC News
Note two: And yes that soulless motherfucker really did send out a fundraising email with a picture of him and a dead soldier at Dover. Hell ain’t hot enough. More: HuffPost
Note three: The crazy weather ain’t slowing down, so y’all be careful out there. It’s almost like the goddamn climate is changing. More: NBC News
Note four: Here’s an AP story about how you should change the way you drive when gas prices go up after the president of the United States starts a stupid war. This is some obvious Golden Age shit. More: Associated Press
Note five: We’re gonna talk about this in the news section, but we wanted to make sure you saw this first…
Note six: We got choked up twice watching the Oscars last night. It got dusty when Michael B. Jordan won for Sinners… More: Mediaite
Note seven: And we straight up lost it at the tributes for Diane Keaton, Robert Redford, Katherine O’Hara and, of course, Rob Reiner. More: Mediaite
Note eight: We also thought Conan was pretty great. We were glad he didn’t try to avoid Trump like some kind of wuss. More: Yahoo News
Note nine: Some more troubling news from our Israelis allies. What in the world is going on here?! More: NBC News
Note 10: You know how we know that Trump is losing it? He keeps letting this sorry bitch on television…
Note 11: Who’s filling out March Madness brackets? We were going to an AltMedia one, but we figured we’d focus on all the war and death and shit instead. More: ESPN
Note 12: Bolsonaro is dying again. Oh well. More: HuffPost
Note 13: Well this ain’t good. We’re now at the point where the Iranian government is more believable than our own. Yikes!
Note 14: It sure looks like ICE murdered someone else. You can’t reform this. So shut it the fuck down. More: NBC News
Note 15: The FCC chairman wants to yank broadcasting licences unless the news starts telling Trump he’s a good boy and his stupid war is actually smart. Eat shit, Brendan. More: CNN
Note 16: Hey so it turns out that Kyrsten Sinema wasn’t just fucking the rest of us. Associated Press
Note 17: When is the last time you saw Uncle Fester that he wasn’t on Fox News cheering for more bloodshed and shitting all over the people who stood with him when he had his health challenges? What a fucking asshole.
Note 18: We’d like to take a second to wish the worst to Ric Grennell. Even for Trump people, Ric is an asshole and a piece of shit. And now that he’s ruined the Kennedy Center, he’s been fired. We were gonna wish him good luck, but then we remembered we hate him and we don’t give a fuck if he walks into an open sewer and croaks. More: Associated Press
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you back to Milan Cortina one more time to celebrate the men’s Paralympic sled hockey team on their FIFTH straight gold medal. That’s a streak longer than the one in Trump’s undies! Well done! More: NBC
Note 20: And on that petty note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an awesome weekend and that you didn’t murder anyone or start any wars “just for fun.” Because that would be pretty fucked up. Love y’all!
Good job, chief
We were delighted to see Frankenstein do so well at the Oscars last night. It was a pretty good movie. We figure John Roberts can relate to what Oscar Isaacs’s character went through. You see Roberts created a fucking monster when he said Trump had total immunity and now that monster has turned on him. As part of his Sunday night meltdown, Trump went off on Roberts and our corrupt SCOTUS, making clear he is still in a rage over the tariff ruling. He was also bigly mad that he can’t go after Jerome Powell and that SCOTUS should have given him the 2020 election that he lost. He really does think the Supreme Court works for him, and honestly, we do too. Congrats to Johnny Roberts though. We’re sure this is all going exactly how he planned. More: TIME
Listen up, media
Tech Sgt Tyler Simmons was 28 when he died last week in Trump’s stupid war, and his family is calling out the bullshit. Stephan Douglas, Simmons’ cousin, hit the nail on the head when he told an Ohio outlet that his cousin’s death “could have been prevented.” “We didn’t need to be in this war. This is uncalled for, and this is what we get.” Our hearts are broken for the families saying goodbye to the fallen and wondering what exactly they died for. More: The Guardian
Look who needs friends
After a decade of threatening and insulting our NATO allies, Trump suddenly wants their help. But because he’s a fucking asshole, Trump is threatening them and insulting them some more. Oddly, none of that seems to be working because so far every country is telling Trump thanks but no thanks when it comes to helping him secure the Strait of Hormuz. And you just know that dumb motherfucker thinks it’s spelled “Straight.” George W. Bush rightfully took a lot of shit for not building a real coalition before invading Iraq. But at least he tried. Trump went in by himself, said he didn’t need any help and then found out how wrong he is. This is what it looks like when someone who is even dumber than Dubya starts a fucking war. More: FT, NPR, Bangkok Post
Today’s clips
A federal judge ruled Saturday that a Democratic lawmaker who serves on the Kennedy Center board must be given a chance to participate in an upcoming meeting on plans to temporarily close the performance venue. More: NBC News
American voters’ feelings on Israel and the Palestinian territories have shifted dramatically in recent years, in a sea change that is transforming the Democratic Party and shaping its primaries. More: NBC News
WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump may delay his China trip due to the Iran war, but Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent said Monday it’s not to pressure Beijing on the Strait of Hormuz. More: Associated Press
WASHINGTON (AP) — The United States’ war with Iran is entering its third week, but Congress has yet to publicly test the Trump administration’s case for the conflict.
Republicans in Congress have so far side-stepped public debate over the war, even as Senate Democrats reach for every tool at their disposal to demand hearings with Trump administration officials. Increasingly frustrated, Democrats are threatening this week to force a series of votes on the war, hoping that the effort to gum up the Senate’s voting schedule will prod Republicans to action. More: Associated Press
And the Oscar for can’t take a joke goes to the Trump administration.
White House Communications Director Steven Cheung raged at Jimmy Kimmel’s latest dissof President Donald Trump and first lady Melania Trump’s documentary at the Academy Awards on Sunday. More: HuffPost
Sean Penn won his third Academy Award on Sunday, but he wasn’t on hand to receive his statuette, reportedly due to travel plans that included a visit to Ukraine. More: HuffPost
The Department of Justice is set to receive a formal referral urging an investigation into whether former Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem committed perjury during her Capitol Hill testimony earlier this month, according to congressional Democrats preparing the request. More: Mediaite
So, the American government shits the bed in Iran, slings aforementioned shit all over the room. Treads it into the carpet, smears it all over the walls, and does finger painting on the windows with it. Then DEMANDS the rest of the world acts as it's maid service and cleans up the mess?
When the Iranian foreign minister says, “There are people being killed only because President Trump wants to have fun," how exactly do you respond to that? Everybody but Trump and his cult knows this is a stupid-ass war.