‘Jealous, Bad People or Stupid’
It’s Thursday. There are 138 days until the midterm elections. A real president brings presidents together, Iran exposes orangey and everyone blames couch boy.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it knows better than to sign a goddamn surrender treaty at Versailles.
Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to see you today. You’re looking like $300 billion! Ya know, the amount that Trump’s dumb loser ass is giving to Iran. We have much to discuss today, including a big parade in New York City and this hilarious Treaty of Versailles stuff, but first we want to take a second to celebrate fire. To be more specific, we want to take a second to celebrate that Moscow is on fire…
LOL!!! Burn, baby, burn!!! Anyone wanna piss on them to help put it out? No? Yeah, us neither. It’s been over four years now since the whole world thought Russia would roll right over Ukraine and man did everyone get that shit wrong. From the jump, Ukrainians told the Russian warships to go fuck themselves, and then they backed it up with blood and badassery. It’s really damn inspiring and the kind of spirit that the United States used to get behind. You know Trump is anger pooping himself over Zelensky’s success and Putin’s failures. Or he would be if he knew any of this was going on.
So today we just wanted to take a second to celebrate Moscow burning and the message that Ukraine has gifted the world — might doesn’t always make right, bullies aren’t that tough and nothing is inevitable. Now please burn the rest of that country down and finish off Putin once and for all. We want to see Trump cry. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: A couple of housekeeping notes — first, we did some therapy yesterday and if you missed it, you can get caught up at the link below. Second, we hope you’ll forgive us but we’re gonna take the day off tomorrow. It’s the last day of Sam’s summer break and he wants to be a lazy piece of shit.
Note three: Joe Rogan thinks we should “shut the fuck up” about the UFC disgrace at the White House. We think Joe should take his own advice and then go shove some livestock medicine up his ass. More: HuffPost
Note four: Washington, D.C. is getting a Democratic Socialist mayor. First Russian burns and now this. Poor Trump is having a bad morning. More: NBC News
Note five: Holy fucking shit there is actual video of Trump’s surrender at Versailles. No way he allows this to be recorded if he had ever once in his life picked up a history book. Dumb sonofabitch.
Note six: If you’re not a history buff and want to know why this is so embarrassing, we got you. More: Britannica, HuffPost
Note seven: Yozer. Marist has Trump’s approval rating at 36 percent. Butt rot is more popular. More: Marist
Note eight: Trump endorsed an Oklahoma megachurch pastor for Congress. Dude advanced to the run-off and then dropped out the next day after it came out that he was cheating on his wife. Yeah, we can’t believe it either. More: AP
Note nine: The Reflecting Pool is still green. But at least the war in Iran is going… oh right. More: HuffPost
Note 10: Our psycho loser president made it clear yesterday that he doesn’t give a shit that he’s responsible for the murder of 168 little girls. Seems like this should be a scandal to us, but only because we’re not complete fucking monsters.
Note 11: New York City is gonna be insane today. The city is celebrating its first Knicks championship in 53 years. That bad news is that scumbag owner James Dolan says the team will go to the White House to meet the man who jinxed them. We really hate rich assholes, but we love New York and we hope they have an awesome day. More: ABC7 NY
Note 12: Jesse Watters’s mom sounds like a nice person, but we’re still trying to figure out if she drank heavily during the pregnancy or if she didn’t but should have. More: HuffPost
Note 13: We’re a broken record on this, but man Jon Ossoff is really, really good at kicking Republican ass…
Note 14: SCOTUS dropped some rulings this morning but nothing on the big shit we’re still waiting on. They really enjoy twisting the knife, don’t they? More: AP
Note 15: Since we won’t be with you tomorrow to celebrate Juneteenth, we wanted to share this AP quiz that will help folks learn more about it. Or you can watch the Juneteenth episode of Blackish, which is extremely informative. More: AP
Note 16: So it turns out that a lot of baseball players are bigoted assholes. May their lives be filled with strikeouts and angry umpires. More: NBC News
Note 17: Seriously what the effing fuck is wrong with this guy’s hands and why is it taking so long to spread to the rest of his gross body?
Note 18: The only thing we have ever liked about Trump is the way he makes Republicans miserable. So we quite enjoyed this story about whining GOP senators. Guess they should have convicted him for attempting a coup when they had the chance. Losers. More: NBC News
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to sweet home Chicago, the city of big shoulders, where the Obama Presidential Library is opening today. We’ll talk more about it in a second, but we wanted to make sure you saw this…
Note 20: And on that goosebumps-inducing note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. You should probably avoid Moscow. LOLOL!!! Love y’all!
Presidents Assemble!
As we just mentioned, today is the opening of the Barack Obama Presidential Library. We are thrilled for the former president and his family and staff. We also think it’s cool that President Bush and President Biden will be there too. We love when everyone is reminded that Trump is an asshole who everyone hates. Anyway, we’re sure he’ll do something to try and grab the attention back today because he’s a desperate loser, but we’re sending love and well wishes to the Obamas and everyone attending the opening.
More: The Hill
Iran Beats Orange
Donald Trump is in an all-caps kinda mood this morning as he rages against everyone who keeps pointing out that his MOU with Iran is a total surrender and proves that this was a stupid fucking war that achieved absolutely nothing except for killing 13 U.S. soldiers and a bunch of little girls. In fact, he says that anyone trashing the deal is “jealous, bad people or stupid.” LOL. Trump is now arguing that Iran can have ballistic missiles and nuclear material and hardline leadership, and in exchange they will let ships pass through the Strait of Hormuz (at a fee). Great job, Art of the Deal Guy. Not only are we not more respected around the world, now every bad actor knows that they can bring down Trump by threatening the economy. This is why you don’t make a dumbfuck president.
More: AP
Sleeping on the Sofa
There’s nothing funny about this Iran shit except for Trump’s total humiliation. And the fact that Republicans are all blaming it on JD Vance. Yeah, in the last few days, Trump and his Republican allies have totally tried to shift blame for the surrender to JD, with Trump even explicitly saying yesterday that he will “blame JD” if the so-called deal doesn’t work out. We’re sorry but this is fucking hilarious. JD is trying to sell some fucking book and instead he has spent all week being the Iran and Epstein guy. Too funny. Looks like Trump is all in on Marco 2028.
More: The Hill, Yahoo News
Today’s clips
A new poll shows President Trump’s handling of the economy received its lowest approval rating yet, sitting 3 points lower than former President Biden’s worst marks during his administration. More: The Hill
Former President Obama is viewed more favorably by Americans than President Trump and former President Biden, according to a new CNN pollreleased Thursday that found Obama remains the most popular living president by a wide margin. More: The Hill
Sen. Roger Marshall (R-Kan.) on Wednesday said Iran should be able to “defend themselves,” weighing in on the fallout over text in the U.S.-Iran memorandum of understanding (MOU) that would allow Tehran to keep its arsenal of ballistic missiles. More: The Hill
Georgia lawmakers will not redraw the state’s political maps this month after GOP Gov. Brian Kemp called them into a special session to do so. More: NBC News
A new ad from Graham Platner’s Senate campaign attacks GOP Sen. Susan Collins over her vote to confirm Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court and tries to capitalize on Collins’ insistence she does not regret it, even given Kavanaugh’s role in overturning Roe v. Wade. More: HuffPost
The internal Republican fighting that led to former Speaker Kevin McCarthy’s ouster in 2023 kept the House of Representatives in suspense for weeks and marked one of the most tumultuous periods in Congress. More: NOTUS
Do folks remember, way back a million years ago (over 60 for me) 1st grade penmanship? Teachers always had the letters pinned up above the chalkboard, you had that weird lined paper and that giant pencil? Now look at the orange felon holding his Sharpie. It's a fat one (the Sharpie) and has the big tip (also the Sharpie). He holds it in the middle - not near the tip. I experimented with my own Sharpies and it's not easy to sign things holding the Sharpie that way.. Now, I know he doesn't really have any recognizable letters, just something that looks like a 6 year old's version of mountains. He's also very slow with his little mountains. Like he's had to practice signing his name when he can't use an autopen. All he needs is his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth to complete the picture of a first grader trying to make his letters.
When Trump is having a bad day, it means a good day for us. He's eaten alive with jealousy. I'm glad that the Ukrainian people got this close to Russia. We need to support them. The orange buffoon certainly isn't.