JD Vance is a Hall of Fame Loser

It’s Thursday. There are 47 days until the general election. The Fed comes through (finally), the Teamsters need a new leader and Harris schedules an important trip to Georgia.

Be advised: This note uses profanity. But it’s better than using whatever the hell Don Jr. is on.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, Justa Damndisgrace (JD) Vance continues to be a Hall of Fame piece of shit. And someone who clearly has sex with couches. No, we didn’t expect him to suddenly become a better person or stop doing couches overnight. But you would think the shame of being busted by the Wall Street Journal for lying and being thrown out of an Ashley’s would change a man. But no, he was still at it yesterday. Even after we learned that the cat that led Vance to start this mess is just fine…

Well hallelujah! Y’all already know where we’re going with this. Here now, for her first interview since being thrust into the national spotlight, please welcome Miss Sassy…

TBS: Miss Sassy, thank you for joining us.

Miss Sassy: Hey guys. Big fan. Love the newsletter.

TBS: That’s so nice. Thank you. So what do you make of all this mess?

Miss Sassy: It’s been fucking crazy. That JD Vance is a real psycho. Nobody ate me. Nobody even licked me.

TBS: Oh we see what you did there. So you were actually just in the basement?

Miss Sassy: Totally. I was in the basement, smoking some nip and listening to Pink Floyd and I got a text from my homie Morris telling me that everyone is talking about how I was eaten by Haitians. Which is crazy because the Haitians who live here are cool as fuck.

TBS: Wow. So the whole thing was just a misunderstanding.

Miss Sassy: Well at first it was. Until that weird asshole started lying about us. Seriously, JD, leave us alone and go fuck a couch.

TBS: So cats heard about the couch thing too?

Miss Sassy: Oh definitely. So fucking weird. Don’t you think it could be true?

Well a big thanks to Miss Sassy for calling out JD’s bullshit. The rest of us should keep doing the same. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Yesterday after we had finished writing, Melania put out a video defending her nude modeling. We’re not even joking. What an absolute idiot. Someone should tell her we can still see her ass. Yesterday he was in Long Island. More: Salon

Note three: Donald Trump is still demanding his party shut down the government in two weeks if they don’t pass a bill that has no chance of passing. Hannity had on Mike Johnson last night and was basically goading him in to shutting it all down. As we’ve said many, many times — go ahead and shut it down, Republicans. Show everyone you can’t govern. We fucking dare you. More: CNN

Note four: We’re not gonna link to it because it’s really stupid but Trump said yesterday that he’s going to win New York. We assume he meant in something other than the presidential election. Because that orange ass is getting whooped in New York.

Note five: LOL! Trump accidentally confessed last night that he ain’t read Melania’s book. That might be the first thing we have in common with that asshole.

Note six: We really hope someone told Trump that VP Harris has taken the lead from him in the Fox poll. Even his dumb ass must know on some level what is happening in this race. More: Fox

Note seven: The reality is we’ve seen a whole lot of good polls for MVP over the last few days, but we’re trying not to get too excited. We still have a lot of work to do, and the truth is that it’s still a close race in the states we need to win. So let’s keep mixing joy with work. It seems to be a good damn recipe. More: The Hill

Note eight: The funniest shit happened last night when Trump was telling the crowd to buy his idiot wife’s book and he admitted he hasn’t read it. You know how you feel when you think about the Obamas as a couple? The Trumps are literally the opposite of that. More: Daily Beast

Note nine: The orange anus also said last night that he’s going to Springfield, Ohio and Aurora, Colorado. As if he hasn’t already made those poor towns suffer enough. More: NBC

Note 10: You can stand with Trump and army of assheads or you can stand with these folks. Yeah, it’s not a tough call…

Note 11: We mentioned this story yesterday, but we want to point it out again because we think it is a massive win for the Biden administration — drug overdoses are down by at least 10 percent. Freaking huge. Well done, Joe. More: NPR

Note 12: Anybody watch the Bear? Of course you do. Well new Emmy winner Liza Colón-Zayas is joining Tim Walz to rally with Latino voters. More: Variety

Note 13: Iran sent the emails they hacked from the Trump campaign to some Biden people. Wouldn’t it be wild if those Biden folks sent them to us? Gosh, we’d probably have to print every word. And add the occasional f-bomb. So that’s two reasons we’re better than the New York Times. More: CNN

Note 14: Yesterday Jealousy Dickenvy (JD) Vance was reminded by a reporter that the Haitians who are in Springfield are there legally. His response was to say he’s “still gonna call them an illegal alien.” So yeah, that’s messed up in about a dozen different ways. More: NPR

Note 15: We don’t know who organized this, but dog bless them…

Note 16: Just Dangerous (JD) Vance wants to go back to letting insurance companies charge more for preexisting conditions. This should be campaign-ending considering there are 100 million of us with preexisting conditions. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Lindsey Graham was almost indicted for interfering with Georgia’s election results in 2020. But that hasn’t stopped him and other Republicans from pressuring Nebraska officials to change how they award their electoral votes. The fuckery is endless with these scumbags. More: NBC

Note 18: Just a reminder that Steve Bannon is in prison right now. We think about that when we need to smile.

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, congratulations to Billie Jean King who will receive the Congressional Gold Medal after Congress voted yesterday. It is well-deserved for such an iconic trailblazer. Just try not to think about the 87 dickhead Republicans who voted against it. More: Axios

Note 20: And on that long overdue note, let’s go do some news! We’re sorry for the extra long intro note today, but we knew you’d want to hear from Miss Sassy, and we’re grateful to her for clearing up the record. Love y’all!

Finally!

So yesterday we hit send before the Fed announced its interest rate cut, and it turned out they went with a half-a-point cut, which is great freaking news. In fact, it was such good news that Trump and his merry band of dumbshits immediately started saying the Fed must be trying to rig the election by juicing the economy. You actually had Republicans arguing that Americans should continue to pay more until the election is over. So yeah, they’ve lost their goddamn minds. Stop rooting against America to help Trump, Republicans. It’s gross.

More: The Hill

Eat shit, Sean

So yesterday the Teamster union — the same union who benefitted the most when the Biden-Harris administration bailed out union pensions — decided not to endorse in the presidential race. And it was a shitty fucking thing to do. Then they put out a bullshit poll that showed their membership supporting Trump. You might remember their president, Sean O’Brien, speaking at the Republican National Convention and then whining when he wasn’t invited to the Democratic National Convention. So obviously Sean can kiss our asses. But what’s awesome is what happened after Sean made an ass of himself yesterday. Various Teamsters locals around the country, including in Wisconsin, Nevada (along with Hawaii, Guam and California), Michigan and Western Pennsylvania all endorsed MVP. So maybe Sean and his garbage poll are out of touch with the membership. And if that’s the case, then maybe it’s time for Sean to step down. And kiss our asses.

More: Politico

This is why

Kamala Harris is good at a lot of things. She’s good at raising money, organizing people, bringing the party together, prosecuting the case against Trump and promoting and defending the Biden-Harris record. But the thing she does maybe the best is make us proud to support her. She did it again yesterday when she announced that she will be going to Georgia Friday to talk about the preventable death of Amber Thurman and the other woman whose death from Trump abortion laws was recently confirmed. Friday’s trip is a powerful but painful reminder of the stakes of this election, and we are enormously grateful that our candidate is going there to remind the country of that. She has a spotlight, and she’s taking it where it is needed.

More: AJC

Today’s clips

Walkie-talkies and solar equipment exploded in Beirut and other parts of Lebanon on Wednesday in an apparent second wave of attacks targeting devices a day after pagers used by Hezbollah blew up, state media and officials for the militant group said. At least 20 people were killed and more than 450 wounded in the second wave, the Health Ministry said. More: HuffPost

Investigators believe they have found the body of a man they say shot five people and a dozen cars on an interstate highway in Kentucky this month, state police said Wednesday – ending an 11-day manhunt that stretched deep into the sprawling Daniel Boone National Forest and put surrounding communities on edge. More: CNN

The Uncommitted Movement of pro-Palestinian Democrats is withholding its endorsement from Vice President Kamala Harris after she rebuffed its latest request, the group announced Thursday, while also making clear its opposition to former President Donald Trump and the third-party candidates who might inadvertently help elect him. More: NBC