JD is definitely not mad

Happy Friday. There are 452 days until the midterm elections. The Epstein conspiracy meeting that wasn’t canceled, DOJ’s dangerous hire and Trump is Putin’s beotch.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Because fuck Trump.

Note: You made it, Sexy Patriots! Friday is here. And while things remain royally fucked up, we have a special treat for you today that should keep you laughing well into the weekend. Y’all know how much we’ve been enjoying South Park’s roasting of Trump and his administration. But what we’re enjoying even more is watching the reactions of the assholes getting roasted. It’s somehow ever funnier than the show.

Poor Kristi Noem is now hiding behind her gender, saying the show shouldn’t make fun of the way women look (it’s apparently fine for Trump to do this, however). Trump is quietly seething that the whole world saw his teeny weenie. But our favorite is ol’ Jowls Dickface (JD) Vance pretending like he’s not mad…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Yeah, you made it alright. God we love it when people get under these freaks’ skin. As we all know, Vance’s response makes clear that he is seething. Dude has spent years losing weight and shoe-horning himself into skinny jeans, so you know he is filled with rage over that chubby-cheeked photo South Park has smearing baby oil on Satan’s anus. His attempt to play it off is pure comedy gold. He’s so mad you can feel it. He’s probably gonna go on another vacation or just blow off some steam at a Bob’s Discount Furniture.

If he wants the whole world to stop making fun of him then maybe he should just stop being such a weird creepy asshole loser. But we all know that ain’t happening. So fuck off, JD. We’re all laughing AT you, and don’t you forget it. Y’all have a blessed day. More: HuffPost

Note two: We had a Thursday Therapy Session yesterday. So if you need your own version of Bob’s Discount Furniture or you just want to see what we look like, check it out here:

Note three: Trump’s military has decided to do more shitty things to trans service members. These people signed up to serve their country, and their country told them to eat shit. Not cool. More: NBC News

Note four: Just a reminder that while Stephen Colbert is facing the consequences of speaking truth to power, Jimmy Fallon is a gutless little bitch who hugged Greg Gutfield on his show. Jimmy, who famously tussled Trump’s hair, has to lick taint because he’s not actually funny. Eat shit, Jimmy. More: Mediaite

Note five: And thanks to Lawrence O’Donnell for calling out the White House press corps as often as he does. It’s good to know we’re not the only ones seeing their serious suckitude.

Note six: We are not anti-Israel. We never have been. But we are sure as shit anti-Bibi and anti-killing-babies. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Holy shit. Dinosaur doodie James Carville seems to have found reality, and even he is seeing how serious Democrats will have to be if we ever retake power. More: The Hill

Note eight: Remember how we told you about that nobody Georgia Republican who became a Democrat? Well we should have known it would make Trump lose his shit. And so now we think it’s hilarious. More: HuffPost

Note nine: It’s not all bad news today. Deaths from flesh-eating bacteria are on the rise. We just assume it’s because the RFK people have started drinking from sewers or some shit. More: NBC News

Note 10: So we will never ever have real economic data we can believe ever again. Why do we say that? Well, did you see this fucking idiot and his fucking charts?

Note 11: Earlier this week, we said that Nancy Mace was crazier than a shithouse rat. We would like to apologize to all the shithouse rats out there. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Trump has destroyed PBS and the Department of Education. But our kids won’t be fully stupid until the next phase kicks in. Future generations will need Canadians to tie their fucking shoes for them. More: Vox

Note 13: We thought this was a fake story. Mostly because it talked about NASA head Sean Duffy. But it’s real. He’s going to destroy a satellite that tracks carbon dioxide and plant health. We can’t have pesky facts about climate change fucking up Trump’s lies. More: NPR

Note 14: Trump says that federal officers are now going to patrol D.C. because Big Balls got his narrow ass whooped. It’s a sign that Trump has never seen D.C. outside of the White House because there are literally federal fucking troops every five feet in that city. More: Politico

Note 15: Jake Tapper had no problem calling Hunter Biden “sleazy.” So we’re really goddamn excited to hear him condemn this gross shit.

Note 16: The idiot actor who said being a Republican is like being a Jew in the Holocaust won a settlement from Disney, and it looks like they’re going to cast her again. So Mickey Mouse has no balls. Probably why his voice is so high like Ben Shapiro's. More: BBC

Note 17: The New York Times is reporting that Andrew Cuomo told business leaders that he doesn’t “personally” want to fight Trump. And neither does Eric Adams. That’s why we’re Team Mamdani! More: New York Times

Note 18: Donald Trump wants to resegregate America. It’s obvious in everything he does. And now he wants colleges’ data to make sure they’re not admitting too many Brown or Black people. Because it needs to be said, Trump is a fucking racist. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to the Onion’s vault. They posted this yesterday after so-called actor Dan or Dean Cain announced he is becoming an honorary ICE officer. Enjoy.

Note 20: And on that savage note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great weekend. Remember to unplug and watch something funny to get your mind off all the crazy. We know a show you might like. As long as you’re not a Trump official. Love y’all!

A conspiracy
Remember how Vice President Couchfuck said that reports of him hosting a cover-up meeting of Trump officials to discuss the Epstein scandal was “fake news?” Well you won’t be shocked to learn that he was lying. Reports are murky, but it appears that they did go ahead with the meeting. They just held it at the White House instead of the VP’s residence. That sure makes it better. As the cover-up continues, Epstein’s victims and Virginia Giuffre’s family are saying that they haven’t heard a peep from DOJ or the White House. Normally we’d condemn this, but we kinda want to keep Trump far away from them. More: CNN

DOJoke
The cop-killers are in the building. NPR got body-cam footage of a man who called cops
“Nazi” and “gestapo” during the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol while also screaming for the terrorists to “kill” the police. That man is now working as a senior advisor to the Justice Department. When asked about the totally fucked up hire, a DOJ spokesperson told NPR that the fucking asshole is a “valued member of the Justice Department.” Just a reminder that four cops later died from the after-effects of that horrible day. DOJ is apparently fine with that. More: NPR

Putin’s bitch
The most predictable thing about Donald Trump is that he will do whatever Putin wants him to do. Probably because of the pee tape. We’re mostly kidding, but despite saying over and over again how “disappointed” he is with Putin, Trump continues to give the Russian murderer whatever he wants, including a sit-down that excludes Ukraine. The BBC found this week that Putin has doubled his attacks on Ukraine since Trump took office. Probably because Trump is Putin’s bitch. More: HuffPost

Today’s clips
Federal prosecutors are in the early stages of an investigation into the office of New York Attorney General Letitia James, who brought a civil fraud case against President Donald Trump, according to three people familiar with the matter. More: NBC News

Candace Owens sounded off on President Donald Trump and his administration for not defending her as she plays the part of defendant in a defamation lawsuit filed against her by French President Emmanuel Macron. More: Mediaite

CNN’s Kaitlan Collins was shocked to hear Jeffrey Epstein accuser Annie Farmer reveal she has not heard anything from Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche after she reached out. More: Mediaite

Germany will not authorize any exports of military equipment that could be used in Gaza “until further notice,” Chancellor Friedrich Merz announced Friday, in a strikingly quick response by one of Israel’s strongest international backers to a decision by Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s Cabinet to take over Gaza City. More: HuffPost

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott vowed to call “special session after special session after special session” in response to Democratic lawmakers who have fled the state to block redistricting legislation, saying they’ll have to stay out of Texas for years to prevent it becoming law. More: NBC News