It's Tim Time!

It’s Wednesday. There are 76 days until the general election. Harris-Walz put up a giant fundraising number, Ron DeSantis has a bad night and it’s Tim Time in Chicago.

Be advised: This newsletters uses profanity. It allows us to clearly state that Barack Obama made a dick joke at Trump’s expense last night.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We’re gonna have to give our goosebumps next week off because they’re working overtime this week! We have so much to discuss from another wonderful night at the Democratic convention, but first let’s talk about these two assheads…

Gross. That little revelation came just shortly after RFK Jr.’s running mate, Nicole Shanahan, admitted in an interview that Kennedy is thinking about dropping out and endorsing Trump because they don’t want to take voters away from him. We can now add a little breaking news of our own to this corrupt dumbassery and report exclusively that RFK’s brain worm is leaving RFK and endorsing Vice President Kamala Harris. Here is his statement…

I have endured a lot. The grotesque treatment of women, the steroids, the dead bear thing, the endless Putin ass-kissing and all the stupid anti-vaxx shit. I even said nothing when the lunatic whose brain I inhabit decided to run for president. But I can no longer be silent. Endorsing Trump is just too far. I thought that when I leaked the story about my existence, that would end things. But apparently some people are really fucking dumb. I have seen inside what is left of this broken man’s brain, and I can tell you there ain’t much of a meal there. So today, I am proud to endorse VP Harris for president. Harris-Walz 2024! It’s so obvious that even an idiot’s brain worm can see it.

Note two: We have to start things today by saying HUGE congratulations to Kate Cox, who helped announce the Texas delegates for VP Harris while also announcing a baby is due in January. After what Texas did to that poor woman, we couldn’t be happier to hear this. More: NPR

Note three: So how much do we freaking love Doug?! That part where he was talking about leaving a voicemail really hit home to us awkward dudes. More: The Wrap

Note four: Last night the Vice President and Tim Walz did something crazy — they packed two arenas at the same damn time! And one of them was the same arena in Milwaukee where Republicans just had their convention. On the list of shit that must be driving Trump insane(r), we’re guessing this is Top 5. More: ABC

Note five: Michelle Obama might be the best speaker on the planet, and we will literally follow her anywhere. If you didn’t catch her speech last night, we highly recommend watching the whole thing. More: CNN

Note six: And yes, Barack Obama suggested Donald Trump has a tiny pecker…

Note seven: “Hope is making a comeback.” Yes, Mrs. Obama, it sure is!!!

Note eight: Republicans are going after Tim Walz’s military service again. They even have Ronny Jackson involved. So you know it’s serious. LOL. NO LINK

Note nine: Tammy Duckworth was freaking awesome last night. More: MSNBC

Note 10: We hate to share this gross, racist, misogynistic crap with y’all, but we need everyone to remember just what heinous dicks the other side is. Hulk Hogan can eat shit and kiss our asses.

Note 11: Did y’all see Spike Lee at the convention last night?

Note 12: To the DNC peeps who set up that roll call, all we can say is well done. That was brilliant. We were dancing and bopping the whole time. And yes, Georgia won with Lil’ Jon tearing the freaking roof off the joint. More: AP News

Note 13: BIG NEWS — abortion will be on the ballot in Arizona and Montana this year. Then we’ll see if Trump still has “no regrets” about overturning Roe. More: AP News

Note 14: Teamsters President Sean O’Brien wasn’t invited to the DNC because he thought he’d be cute and speak at the RNC. So Sen. Gary Peters invited some real Teamsters to join him at the convention. More: USA Today

Note 15: Who wants to tell him?

Note 16: Are we the only ones crushed to hear JLo and Ben Affleck are getting divorced? We were really rooting for them. More: NBC

Note 17: Jockstrap Dingusface (JD) Vance says Tim Walz lied about his family using IVF to conceive. Except he didn’t. Stop being so fucking weird, Vance! More: Glamour

Note 18: Just in case you missed it, here’s Jimmy Carter’s grandson saying his granddad can’t wait to vote for VP Harris.

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we are staying in Chicago but this isn’t about the convention. We want to wish a happy 105th birthday to Sister Jean of Loyola University. Y’all might remember Sister Jean as one of the biggest March Madness fans on the planet. We hope she has a great day and many happy returns. More: LUC

Note 20: And on that celebratory note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are enjoying this week as much as we are. We can’t remember the last time we shook our booties this much. Love y’all!

Whoa

We don’t have to tell y’all that people are excited for Kamala Harris and Tim Walz. But it seems like every dang day we see some new campaign metric that just blows our minds. And yesterday it was fundraising. Apparently, Harris has raised $500 million in a month! In a month! And her campaign thinks they can make it $600 million before the end of August. Whoa. America, we love you.

More: CNBC

LOLoser

Remember Ron DeSantis? Wears white boots, eats pudding with his fingers and carries a map of poop in his pocket? Yeah, we forgot too. Anyway, Ron had a bad night in Florida where voters decided they didn’t want his Moms for Liberty nutjobs running the school board. All told, only six of DeSantis’s 23 endorsed candidates won. Maybe the fever is breaking and America is finally done with weird assholes.

More: Axios

Tim Time!!!

How do you top a convention that has already seen some of the best speeches in political history? Tim freaking Walz, that’s how. Yeah, tonight is Tim Time at the Democratic convention, and we are so excited to hear from Gov. Walz and his family. It is just impossible not to like this guy unless you’re on of those weird people who just hates happy stuff. Good luck tonight, Governor and Mrs. Walz!

More: The Hill

Today’s clips

The first night of the Democratic National Convention averaged 20 million viewers across 13 networks, surpassing the audience for the initial day of the Republican National Convention, according to Nielsen. More: Deadline

Democratic Rep. Bill Pascrell, whose career in rough-and-tumble New Jersey politics spanned four decades and who in his later years became known for his sharp barbs against Donald Trump, died on Wednesday, according to a statement on his official X account. More: NBC

A telecom company has agreed to pay a $1 million fine for its role in the deepfake robocall that impersonated President Joe Biden’s voice ahead of the New Hampshire Democratic primary, federal authorities plan to announce Wednesday. More: NBC

Former Rep. Debbie Mucarsel-Powell (D-Fla.) has won the Democratic primary to face off against Florida Sen. Rick Scott (R) for his Senate seat, according to Decision Desk HQ. More: The Hill