It’s Scandal Summer!

It’s Thursday. There are 467 days until the midterm elections. House Democrats force some action, Columbia goes coward and some shocking news about Epstein’s best friend.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it is sure as shit not in the Epstein files.

Note: Whoa, Sexy Patriots. Shit has officially gotten real. Yesterday we got the news that we all already knew that Trump is in the Epstein files multiple times. He’s also orange and smells like wide-open ass, if we’re gonna start saying obvious shit. But this is a bombshell. It is a massive scandal. And it is super fucking gross.

But we wanted more. So we reached out to some of our sources in the deepest pits of hell and asked them to put us in contact with what remains of Jeffrey Epstein. Here now is that interview…

Us: What’s up, scumbag?

Jeffrey Epstein: Hey guys! Love…

Us: Yeah, we know what you love. Keep it to yourself, you sick fuck. So tell us how close you and Trump really were.

JE: Our penises accidentally touched more than five times.

Us: Ok that’s pretty close. And pretty gross.

JE: Yeah, well I’m a fucking monster who deserves to be rotting where I am. I just miss my friend, and I’m excited for him to join me down here.

Us: That sounds about right. Ok well thanks for the interview and go fuck yourself.

Note two: Remember a few days ago when the New York Times and Politico told us the Epstein scandal was over? LOL. Great work, everybody!

Note three: The White House is now openly threatening The View because Joy Behar said that Trump is jealous of Obama. Of course Trump is jealous of Obama. That and being orange are his whole fucking personality! More: Variety

Note four: Trump is visiting the Federal Reserve today. We don’t know why, and we’re guessing he doesn’t either. Hey, if Trump’s economic policies are so great, then why does he have to beg the Fed to lower rates? More: HuffPost

Note five: Everyone be sure to send thoughts and prayers to Pam Bondi’s eye. We doubt it’s really hurt, but given the evil shit it has seen, you never know.

Note six: CBS has made Stephen Colbert a very, very dangerous man. And we’re loving every damn second of it. More: Mediaite

Note seven: We were pretty surprised some of y’all were offended by our Melania piece yesterday. We’re not gonna apologize, but we will continue to be offended by Melania. Liberals are so nice. Goddamnit.

Note eight: How bad is the Epstein scandal for Trump? He’s even lost the QAnon Shaman idiot who took part in the Trump coup. More: Mediaite

Note nine: Lisa Murkowski really, really sucks. But even she can see that Trump’s attacks on Obama and Hillary are an obvious distraction from the Epstein scandal. More: HuffPost

Note 10: If Tulski and Trump wanted people to believe their distraction bullshit, then they should have made it sound less crazy and stupid.

Note 11: While most of us are grossed out and demanding answers about Trump and Epstein, Fox News is doing what it’s told and trying like hell to put Barack Obama in prison. So that makes them part of the cover-up. More: Media Matters

Note 12: Trump’s personal attorney who now works at the Department of Justice is supposed to meet with Ghislaine Maxwell today. It sure is hard to imagine what they’re gonna talk about other than making a deal to cover for Trump’s slimy ass. More: NBC News

Note 13: Speaking of Maxwell, the racist freakshow who hosts Newsmax has decided that Maxwell is actually a victim who shouldn’t be in prison. Weren’t all these fuckers supposed to be against child sex trafficking? More: Media Matters

Note 14: The Venezuelans we sent to a concentration camp are getting out and telling the world what the United States is doing. It’s evil, it’s embarrassing, and it needs to be told. More: The Atlantic

Note 15: Y’all, this is SOOOOOOOO fucked up…

Note 16: Emmanuel Macron and his wife are suing Candace Owens. We’re surprised they know who her grifting ass is, but we hope they take her to the cleaners. More: Associated Press

Note 17: There are so many Trumpland scandals right now that it’s almost easy to miss that Passed Out Pete Hegseth lied about not sharing classified information on Signal. We’re sure Trump will hold him accountable for this egregious incompetence any second now. More: Yahoo

Note 18: Thank you to everyone in Nantucket who showed up to invite Justadamn Disgrace (JD) Vance to kiss their asses. We’re proud of y’all. Also, can you imagine the coverage if Kamala had taken this many vacations? More: The Independent

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going on down to South Park. Holy freaking shit! The show returned last night after two-and-a-half-years away and they immediately went to a small-peckered Trump having sex with Satan. The funniest part? The South Park guys just signed a $1.5 billion streaming deal with Paramount. LOLOLOL!!!!

Note 20: And on that amazing note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And if it’s been a rough one, just remember that you’re not in the Epstein files like a gross ick monster. Love y’all!

Summer time!
House Democrats kicked some serious ass yesterday. Following Rep. Summer Lee, Democrats on a House subcommittee got three Republicans to join them to subpoena the Epstein records that DOJ is sitting on. House Oversight also voted to subpoena Maxwell (and a shitload of other people) who will presumably visit Congress at some point to tell everyone how innocent Trump is right before she gets her pardon. Well done to Lee and Oversight Ranking Member Robert Garcia on forcing some action on this shocking coverup. Keep going! More: HuffPost

RIP Columbia
Columbia University had completely folded, turning over admissions info to the Trump administration and promising to pay a $200 million bribe. Why? Well it’s supposed to be because of antisemitism, but Education Secretary Linda McMahon was on Fox News this morning giving away the game by calling the settlement a “monumental victory for conservatives who wanted to do things on these elite campuses for a long time because we had such far left-leaning professors." Oh. So it wasn’t about antisemitism. This is a tragedy for America as one of our great universities has now fallen to Orbanization. Might as well go to a fucking college in Florida now. More: CNN

Guess who!
So the big news yesterday and for the rest of time is that Donald J. Trump was told in May by Pam Bondi that he is in the Epstein files many, many times. This is not surprising, but it is shocking. It also makes this the very definition of a coverup. They knew he was in there, and they waited until a tragedy struck in Texas to try and sneak out the fake news that there were no files. Of course the larger issue is that our sex creep president was best friends with a child sex trafficker and apparently close enough to him that the Justice Department feels they need to cover it up. Even the chumps at Politico are writing about this, so you know it’s bad. We can’t wait to see how President Cankles spends the day making this shit worse for himself. Also, kudos to the Wall Street Journal for staying on this story. Where the fuck has the New York Times been? More: Independent

Today’s clips
Republican National Committee Chair Michael Whatley intends to run for Senate in North Carolina, a source familiar with the matter told NBC News. More: NBC News

A federal appeals court in San Francisco ruled Wednesday that President Donald Trump’s order seeking to end birthright citizenship is unconstitutional, affirming a lower-court decision that blocked its enforcement nationwide. More: HuffPost

Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. accused Israeli Holocaust professor Omer Bartov of peddling a “blood libel” after Bartov penned a New York Times op-ed arguing the war in Gaza is “genocide.” More: Mediaite

Senate Republicans handed President Donald Trump a win on Tuesday by confirming one of his first judicial nominees, Josh Divine, an archconservative from Missouri. But they had help from a surprising source: Sen. Angus King (I-Maine), who caucuses with Democrats. More: HuffPost

Conservative pundit Meghan McCain attacked CNN anchor and reporter Kaitlan Collins, suggesting she be barred from covering the White House after she aggressively questioned press secretary Karoline Leavitt on Wednesday about President Trump’s view on Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard. More: The Hill